Donald Trump: Could put a casino in the Lincoln bedroom.

The only time Donald Trump seems to tell the truth is in legal depositions when he acknowledges that he may be given to exaggerating just a tiny bit. Otherwise, he inflates everything about himself to match his distended ego. Take, for instance, the ratings of his idiotic TV show. Donald Trump was very happy with the numbers for the premiere episode.

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Additionally, @CelebApprentice ranked as the #1 program in the 9-11 pm time period with adults in the 25-54 age group.

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Reality, however, may be slightly at odds with Trump’s accounting. From TV By The Numbers:

‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Returns Down

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But being trounced by The Good Wife and The Mentalist in key demos can’t get Donald Trump down. He’s excited about putting up one of his tasteful buildings right near the White House. From Conservative Read, that bastion of journalistic excellence:

“A couple of years ago, I saw a major, major state dinner — and it was in tent on the White House lawn. A bad tent. Probably a tent that the guy who owns the tent made a fortune. (He) probably rented it for one night for more than it cost him. I said to myself, ‘Here’s China in a tent.’

I called up the White House, someone I know very well, very high position, and I said, ‘I will offer to build, free of charge, the most beautiful ball room in the country, anywhere. I will do it. It’ll cost anywhere from 50-100 million dollars. You can get the greatest architects. We’ll make it perfectly sympathetic with the White House and the architecture. It’ll be fabulous.’ They said, ‘Thank you very much! What an offer!’ We never heard from them.”

What an amazing building it would be! But Donald Trump still has one problem. He wants to place a fountain out front and he has to work out some details. Perhaps his friend Glenn Beck can help him.

Glenn, it’s Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of classy, golden liquid. What do you suggest?

How about using my urine, Donald?

Great idea. You start knocking back the Snapple. I need a geyser’s worth.

Classy!

Wow, it looks great. And no one would be stupid enough to drink from the fountain.

Obama doesn’t want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I’m gonna.

Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy beverage and I don’t? I’m a very important man.

That’s more like it. Cheers.

Oh, no! I just drank Genn Beck’s whiz. I better call my doctor.

Dr. Morey’s office.

Gloria, It’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It’s an emergency!

Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine wants to speak to you.

Put Trump through, Gloria.

Am I gonna survive, Doc?

I’ve got good news and bad news, dum-dum.

What’s the bad news?

You’re ugly. Oh, and you’ve got six months to live.

That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Think of the situation as a business opportunity.

Morey’s right!

Donald Trump Breath Spray. For times when you’re tongue tastes like Glenn Beck’s piss.

Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. I accidentally drank urine again.

More recent fake, comedy crap:

• Donald Trump sues Bill Maher.

• How the Donald Trump cologne is made.

• How Manti Te’o spent Valentine’s Day.

• Donald Trump purchases the New York Times.

• Donald Trump is honored by Family Feud.

• The Manti Te’o story just got even worse.

• Donald Trump answers fan letters about Celebrity Apprentice.

Donald Trump: Tic Tac Dough still thinks he’s a scumbag.

It’s usually the last person who should be pointing fingers who points them first. Like when Donald Trump scolds other people for adultery or accuses someone else’s restaurant of having bad food. Recently, Donald Trump has been trying to get revenge on Brian Williams because the NBC anchor chided him for his disgraceful Twitter antics on Election Day. He’s been insulting the newsman because of his low-rated primetime show, Rock Center.

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Of course, Brian Williams has consistently had the number one network evening newscast, drawing nearly 10 million viewers a night to a non-primetime show. If only Donald Trump’s show was drawing such numbers for NBC in primetime:

“On NBC, the finale of Celebrity Apprentice was up four-tenths, drawing a 2.2 compared to last week’s 1.8 among adults 18-49. However, this was the lowest-rated finale episode of the series to date.” (TVbythenumbers.com.)

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But there’s some good news for Donald Trump: A major news organization recently conducted a scientific survey and discovered that Donald Trump is the third most envied person in America.

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I myself am feeling a little “nauseas” right now. However, Donald Trump shouldn’t get too excited–the same 100 people who were too dumb to get out of answering that Family Feud survey also gave these responses when asked the following question: “When someone mentions ‘the King,’ to whom might he or she be referring?”

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But Donald Trump is being too modest. He was mentioned on the Family Feud another time. It’s time to play the Feud.

The category is “Things You Would Ingest to Avoid Seeing Donald Trump Naked.” And your answer is “Butt Brownies.” The survey says…

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

Can I get real with you for a minute, woman?

I wish you would.

I mean, can I get very real?

I’ve already stated my preference that you become more real.

What if there was no other option? What if it became an existential nightmare and there was no way for you to avoid looking at Donald Trump naked? What would you do?

Blechh!

If I wasn’t already dead, I’d shoot myself.

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More recent fake, comedy crap:

• How Manti Te’o spent Valentine’s Day.

• Donald Trump sues Bill Maher.

• How the Donald Trump cologne is made.

• Donald Trump purchases the New York Times.

• The Manti Te’o story just got even worse.

• Donald Trump answers fan letters about Celebrity Apprentice.

Donald Trump: It took 66 years to make this mess.

Donald Trump can urinate in a jug three feet from a toilet if he feels like. He has that kind of money. It’s Howard Hughes territory. What the orange-headed racist buffoon lacks, among other things, is happiness. He tries to fill that empty sack where a soul should be by drawing attention to himself at any cost. Often he engages in public feuds with celebrities who’ve never done a thing to him. Sometimes, for instance, he attacks them for doing things he himself has done.

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Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!

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And so can all three of Donald Trump’s wives! But what grandpa really specializes in are large-scale embarrassing ploys, like the racist “business deal” he offered to President Obama during the election. The latest delusional idea hatched by the hideous hotelier is that he may purchase the struggling New York Times, something that will never happen. But what if it did? Of course, it would fail the way Trump’s magazines have always failed. But until then, it would be a classy publication.

Donald Trump’s

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Miss America’s Pussy Smells Good

By PAUL KRUGMAN

Published: January 29, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

I Met A Broad In A Casino. She Was Not Flat.

By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN

Published: January 29, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Poor People Are Losers

By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Published: January 30, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Women Without Breast Implants Need Burqas

By GAIL COLLINS

Published: January 30, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Mr. Cuddles Writes Words Good!!

By MR. CUDDLES

Published: January 29, 2013

Donald Trump: Hypocrisy is a sham.

Perhaps it won’t end for Donald Trump the way it did for Gaddafi. Time will tell. Trump, who receives a lot of fan mail, feels that he can insult whomever he wants and never has to apologize for his boorish behavior. But others who say mean things about him need to beg his forgiveness. 

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If Sheena Monnin apologized for her mistake, as she should have, I would have treated her very nicely.

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Sheena Monin was a contestant in the Miss USA pageant who claimed that the contest was rigged. She was sued for defamation and lost her case. In all fairness, not even someone as dumb as Donald Trump would fix a contest like that. He knows that kind of behavior could get him into a lot of trouble. Of course, Donald Trump recently called a slightly more important competition–the U.S. Presidential election–a “sham” and a “disgusting injustice” when his candidate was defeated fair and square. He has never said he is sorry for defaming that contest.

But Donald Trump was right about the pageant: Sheena Monin should have apologized. In fact, a lot of people should tell Donald Trump they’re sorry.

Sal, Barber: My apologies for making you look like a turd blossom, Mr. Trump. I do it because I hate you.

Dottie, Retired Schoolteacher: I’m sorry I gave you passing grades, you toolbox, but I just couldn’t bear to look anymore at that cunt you call a face.

Dave, Animal Wrangler: I’m sorry I lined my bird’s cage with  your photo, but I didn’t want to get ostrich diarrhea on old newspapers.

Vincent, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men’s cologne to kill roaches. My bad.

Tina, Biologist: I’m sorry I learned how to read, which has made me realize that your TV show, casinos and beauty pageants are all incredibly fucking stupid.

Dr. Benson, Obstetrician: I’m sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother’s crack.

Donald: AIDS charities just a pawn in the game.

Since Donald Trump made an insulting challenge to the President to reveal his passport and college records in return for a donation to charity, we thought it was okay to make such an offer to Trump.

Here goes: There’s a sick boy who can’t walk, and we know how to make him healthy again. If you agree to our proposal, we will help him. If not, we’ll take him to a cliff and push him off. It’s up to you. We also know the cure for AIDS and cancer and we will share them, but only if you do what we say.

What we want is the following: 1) Reveal the documents showing how much money, land and contacts your father handed over to a “self-made man” such as yourself. 2) Explain how much he helped bail you out when you nearly blew all these advantages. 3) Perform oral sex on a racehorse.

The last condition is really important. That horse penis is not going to suck itself. If you accept our humiliating offer, a child will walk again and many sick people will be well. If you don’t do what we say, we have to question your sense of charity.

You might be asking, why wouldn’t they just help sick people if they can? It wouldn’t change their lifestyle at all. Why do they have to denigrate someone else in order to perform a kind act? What kind of people attach embarrassing conditions to good works?

Frankly, we’re puzzled that you can ask so many questions with that horse cock in your mouth. But we understand your point. Anyone who would behave this way, who would so desperately want to reduce others is a hugely unhappy person who realizes down deep how awful they are and feels lonely in that awfulness. Such a person would want to drag other people down to that level, especially a person who is accomplished and dignified.

Think about it, dum-dum. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. A lot of people now know what a racist buffoon you are, so it would be very good publicity for you to help a sick child. It would kind of be like Babe Ruth visiting an ailing kid in the hospital and promising to hit him a home run. You know, if Babe Ruth gargled with horse jizz. We await your decision.•

Jimmy: Please suck off that pony, Mr. Trump.

Butterscotch: Hung like a fire hydrant.