Ideas and technology and politics and journalism and history and humor and some other stuff.
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"I'll be your slave." (Image by MGM.)
I looking for Job
What ever you pay is good for me,ill be your slave on and count on to get it done and done right the first time cause i belive you have to be good at what ever you do and try to make happy the person paying you or dont do it at all.
"It makes me really upset to look at it."
My ex-boyfriend gave me this for my birthday and it makes me really upset to look at it so I’m selling it. If it doesn’t sell within a week or so I’m just going to throw it in the trash and pretend like it never happened (just like he did with our relationship).
"He successfully quelled the great dairy upraising of 1938, averting a desperate ice cream shortage in Chicago." (Image by ChildofMidnight.)
Omer L. Baumgartner had some life. An excerpt from his obituary:
“Born on a dairy farm in Walnut, Ill., Baumgartner was prodigious with the movement of manure from an early age, and exercising these and other talents, earned recognition for his National 4-H Grand Champion Dairy Heifer, Clementine’s Ramona, in 1930 at the age of 10. After this debut, and as the Depression raged, Baumgartner cut his teeth in the livestock industry while attending hundreds of county and state fairs, showing and selling cattle, frying oysters, skinning rabbits, and drinking whiskey. While still a freshman at the University of Illinois, he successfully quelled the great dairy upraising of 1938, averting a desperate ice cream shortage in Chicago, and was immediately recruited, without finishing college, by the state’s Guernsey Breeders Association as a field agent.
Despite never learning to cook anything other than fried oysters, Baumgartner attained the rank of captain during World War II for running mess halls feeding over 5,000 in Tennessee and Alabama for the Army Air Corps. He was wildly popular with the troops for his mess hours bongo drum performances accompanied by dancing girls. Baumgartner notably worked for L.S. Heath and Company, running the dairy division and inventing Heath Bar ice cream in 1951. He also co-ran Wilkinson’s Office Supplies with his wife Jattie Wilkinson Baumgartner, serving one-third of the state of Illinois and parts of Iowa. Baumgartner disliked vegetables his whole life. Despite consuming more than 2,000 pounds of butter, he never suffered from any kind of heart disease. His last meal was ice cream.”
Tags: Omer L. Baumgartner
"It's going in the trash." (Image by Father of JGKlein.)
Swing by and pic it up because after the weekend its going in the trash
"In this book are powerful satires to help restore your sanity."
This 35¢ Ballantine paperback collection of pieces by some of the most famous humorists of the 1950s is so out of print that even Amazon doesn’t seem to have a readily available bare listing for it. Within its 154 pages are essays, illustrations and song lyrics by Robert Benchley, S.J. Perelman, James Thurber and Ogden Nash, among others. Leading off the book is “The Night the Old Nostalgia Burned Down: My Own New York Childhood,” a ridiculous “memoir” by Frank Sullivan. He’s all but forgotten now, but Sullivan was a prominent humorist for the New York World and the New Yorker from the 1920s to the 1950s. A page about him on a website about Saratoga Springs (his hometown) recalls Sullivan as being “known for his gentle touch and for the collection of fictitious characters he created: Aunt Sally Gallup, Martha Hepplethwaite, the Forgotten Bach (a member of the Bach family who was tone deaf), and Mr. Arbuthnot, the cliché expert.” An excerpt from his piece in The Wild Reader:
“Father was very strict about the aristocratic old New York ritual of the Saturday-night bath. Every Saturday night at eight sharp we would line up: Father; Mother; Diamond Jim Brady; Mrs. Dalrymple, the housekeeper; Absentweather, the butler; Aggie, the second girl; Aggie, the third girl; Aggie, the fourth girl; and the twelve of us youngsters, each equipped with soap and a towel. At a command of our father, we would leave our mansion on East Thirtieth Street and proceed solemnly up Fifth Avenue in single file to the old reservoir, keeping a sharp eye out for Indians. Then, at a signal from Papa, in we’d go. Everyone who was anyone in New York in those days had a Saturday-night bath in the reservoir.”
Tags: Frank Sullivan, James Thurber, Ogden Nash, Robert Benchley, S.J. Perelman
Harry Gabriel Aronoff, who lived to 100 years old, had the very eventful experience of being a tank commander during WWII. An excerpt from his obituary in the February 13 San Diego Union-Tribune:
“He enlisted in the Army on March 16, 1941 and served as a tank Commander during World War II. He fought at the Battle of the Bulge in Normandy, and other places, he single-handedly captured eleven German soldiers after his landing in France. After WW II, Harry and Evelyn moved to San Diego where he worked as a meat cutter until he retired. For more than 50 years he volunteered at the VA and Naval hospitals, was elected to various positions with the DAV and was three times the DAV Commander. He also served as the Commander and Chaplin for the Jewish War Veterans. He is a life member of the Masons and Shriners.”
Tags: Harry Gabriel Aronoff
"This is what happens when you smoke a lot of weed."
sadly enough i need my ged and don’t want to take the test, any idea on how i can get one, , i need it for a jod, and i want to take a class that requires it ,, so please let me know how we can get it,,
AND FOR ALL THOSE THAT WILL SAY , JUST TAKE THE TEST YOU LOSER, keep IT TO YOURSELF AND GET A LIFE JUST MOVE ON..THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SMOKE ALOT OF WEED AND LET 15 YEARS GO BY, PLUS REALLY LAZY AND DON’T HAVE THE TIME, I WORK TWO JOBS.. BLA BLA BLA.
A few search engine keyphrases that brought traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Exchanging sharp looks with that arrogant acrobat--you know the one--and his two jackass sons since 2009.
"Just a bunch of bricks." (Image by Thegreenj.)
Broken bricks, dirty bricks, just a bunch of bricks.
I’ll pay a little bit of money for them, but mostly I’m hoping to help someone by hauling some crap out of your basement or whatever.
"This will be a permanent situation." (Image by Steven Arnold.)
or goes to flea markets etc. i am in need of someone who can help me out about once or twice a month with the following:
1. administer an enema and a full body deep tissue massage.
in exchange for these services i will swap various things that you can sell. this will be a permanent situation and i have quite a bit of things. each visit you can pick a certain amount of things to sell. the 2 treatments take about 3 hours. if interested please leave contact info. thank you kindly.
"Good condition." (Image by Maddin.)
1 med butt plug for trade good condition let me know what you have to trade
"A bit jumpy." (Image by Steven G. Johnson.)
have a foot long baby rhino iguana about 6 months old a bit jumpy but all babies are. up for adoption becuase im moving.
"I am a 22 year old performance artist and experimental film maker with a pleasant disposition and positive outlook." (Image by Trampoline club du Dauphiné.)
This is maybe a strange request but I am looking to temporarily borrow and not buy a trampoline.
I am making a short film in which I desperately one!
My hopes are: You let me jump on your trampoline for no more than 30 mins and in return I bake you delicious treats or pay you the $20 I have suggested above!
I am a 22 year old performance artist and experimental film maker with a pleasant disposition and positive outlook.
Thank you in advance friends!
Clown. (image by Robert Lawton.)
For people who like clown paintings.
"Interesting things in jars." (Image by Gaetan Lee.)
Private collector seeking: Prosthetics, lusus naturae, medical devices, anatomical bits, mech, 3-D, tools, analog communication, taxidermy, interesting things in jars, conjoined_____?, head(s) on stick(s), dolls no one will look at, foetus, scientific ephemera, parasites, curious moulds, masks, skin, iron maiden, photographs, skellingtons, exotic ducks, eyes, flail. I am not in retail. Pictures appreciated.
Arianna Huffington: a friend of measles.
The acquisition of the Huffington Post gives AOL ownership of some brilliant muckraking.
Tags: Arianna Huffington, Jenny McCarthy
??????????
For sale is a worthless coat formerly owned by a worthless person that goes by the name of Dan Callahan. The coat is roughly 90 years old and reeks of shit. It’s covered in dog hair and numerous other unidentifiable pieces of fuzz and/or actual dog shit.
By purchasing this item you will also receive the pocket contents which are as follows:
– 1 used and broken golf tee
– 1 empty box of cigarettes
– 2 broken cigarettes
– 1/4 empty tin of mint skoal pouches
– 15 State Farm Business Cards
– No Life
– 1 half consumed dog biscuit
– 1 dead frog
– 4 bags of Nike’s shit
– Dan Callahan’s 10 steps to success guide
– Sidewitz’s dad
– Forged scorecard
– Croxley’s coupon for 10 cent wings
– 1 giant sarcastic asshole
– Voucher for a free fluoride rinse
– Tee time for Bethpage Black in 2028
– The most hated human being alive
– His dad’s friend Leo
– Unlimited bitching & moaning
– Unlimited horseshit golf advice
– 1 really wide driveway
– 1 more of anything anyone else has
Ehhhhh you should probably buy this. Price negotiable.
Tags: Dan Callahan
A few search engine keyphrases bringing traffic to Afflictor this week:
Afflictor: Encourgaing circus strongwomen to break chains since 2009.
"I am a wanting a used designer handbag for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day."
I could use your help
I am a Wanting a used Designer Handbag for my girlfriend for Valentines day PLEASE HELP last year she hated my Gift she said it looked like I bought it at a garage sale could you please kindly respond for more details I reside in newyork Thanks again for your help
"Cash only." (Image by Richiek.)
For sale: one baseball team, one highly financed stadium, one cable program and one owner’s idiot son for sale. Team is about 50 years old and in poor condition. Cash only.
"Can't afford to pay out the nose."
Hey. I know this is probably inappropriate and there’s probably some stigma that goes along with it, but I am looking for an engagement ring. The thing is, I’m a student and can’t afford to pay out the nose for one. So if you have one that you’re not using for whatever reason (cold feet, jilted lover, just feel like being charitable) and feel like parting with it and making a little money on the side, you’d be doing me a great favor! I figure there’s enough stories of broken engagements out there that someone must have a ring that they’re willing to part with, especially if it means bringing happiness to someone else. If you have one, please send me some info on it and what you would like for it.
"Now is your chance to get rid of that ugly thing without feeling guilty." (Image by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge.)
Remember that gross old painting hanging above granny’s sofa? Well I need it!
2 of them actually.
If you are throwing out medium to large size worthless, somewhat unattractive or very ugly paintings in frames, please contact me! Landscapes are a plus!
My friend and I want to use them for an art project.
Now is your chance to get rid of that ugly thing without feeling guilty about throwing it in the trash. It will be put to good use!
Prince Charles, before he completely stopped caring. (Image by Allan Warren.)
In January, the former empire known as Great Britain knocked cold-as-fuck Canada off its perch as Afflictor Nation champion, sending us the most unique visitors of any foreign country. Here are the top five finishers:
Tags: Prince Charles
