These cancer researchers will soon have Bachelor Jake and Vienna back in the fold. (Image by Quintote.)

Despite seeming to be two of the more useless sacks of shit on the planet, Bachelor Jake and Vienna have been secretly using their well-hidden intelligence for several years to try to find a cure for cancer. Many in the medical-research field were worried that the pair’s bitter public breakup might cause them to abruptly halt their joint research, but that appears to not be the case. Even though Bachelor Jake has accused Vienna of trying to undermine and embarrass him and Vienna has insinuated that her former boyfriend is a fame whore who gets all woo-hoo in the underpants whenever a handsome guy walks by, the duo knows that they must continue their work for the good of humanity.

Assume the position, Mr. Beano.

“I’m so disgusted with Vienna,” acknowledges Jake. “She sold me out to a tabloid. But those bald, unattractive people really need us. I don’t feel like loving on Vienna anymore, but I will cure cancer with her.”

Once the duo has licked this scourge of an illness, they plan on getting more attention any way they can, perhaps by fucking a horse in public.