Today is a day when Americans eat too much, drink too much and blow stuff up. That’s right, it’s Tuesday.

Oh, and it’s also July 4th, the anniversary of when we decided in 1776 to wax those British father-rapers who were taxing us and then using that money to supply us with basic services we desperately needed. I mean, we would have died!

Yes, it’s the birthday of the U.S.A., the greatest nation in the history of the world. If you forget America is the best country ever, don’t worry, we’ll remind you every five minutes. That’s because we’re enormous and wealthy yet deeply insecure, much like Donald Trump, who became President mainly so that he could install a glory hole in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Luckily, other countries are even worse than we are, so they can’t say shit. Yes, Chechnya, I’m looking at you. Suck it, weirdos! Say what you will about the U.S., but we know we’re popular because so many important people are watching us.

Congratulations, my fellow Americans, on 240 years of democracy. It was fun while it lasted.

Enjoy a safe and happy holiday!