Santa: Corporate welfare, trophy wives, poll taxes.

You’ve probably had a hectic Christmas season and so has Santa Claus. He’s been busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates. Hope your miniature mouths don’t get too tired from all the sucking.

Santa couldn’t be happier about the incoming Trump Administration. Thanks to those intermittently useful white working-class dipshits, conservatives can now make the U.S. a complete kleptocracy and turn the population the color of snow. No more immigrants, labor unions, Medicare or capital gains tax.

In fact, the big guy has gone full-on predatory capitalist and his interests now include masturbating to Cavuto: Coast to Coast, making wealth inequality worse and drinking the blood of the young like a parched Peter Thiel at the finish line of a 5K. 

Oh, and he isn’t giving your asshole children toys for free this year. You’ll pay retail, bitches.

You don’t like Santa’s vision for Making America Great Again? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!•

Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dolly after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Nana (1936-2016)

Fuck you, popular vote!