Today is a special day when Americans eat too much, drink too much and blow stuff up. That’s right, it’s Monday.

Oh, and it’s also July 4th, the anniversary of when we decided in 1776 to wax those British father-rapers who were taxing us and then using that money to supply us with basic services we desperately needed. I mean, we would have died. The English were so upset about our Declaration of Independence that they impulsively decided to commit suicide just 240 years later.

Yes, it’s the birthday of the U.S.A., the greatest nation in the history of the world. If you forget that America is the best country ever, don’t worry, we’ll remind you every five minutes. That’s because we’re enormous and wealthy yet deeply insecure, much like Donald Trump, who hopes to become President mainly so that he can masturbate in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Luckily, other countries are far worse than we are, so they can’t say shit. Yes, Turkmenistan, I’m looking at you. Suck it, weirdos! And if any of you talk trash about us, we’ll know right away because we’re listening in on all your private conversations. We can’t help it: Spying on you, sexy world, gets us really, really hard.

Anyhow, enjoy a safe and happy holiday!

A special performance of “America the Beautiful” by Meat Loaf and Mitt Romney.