‘Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house / Not a creature was stirring

Not even a louse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

Let’s visit the worst jackoff since President Nixon

Hey Santa, why did you put a lump of coal in my fist?

Because it said you’re a fuckface when I was checking my list

I hope you brought something for my daughter, or that would be wrong

I gave her what she asked for, my big, fat, red schlong

How dare you, that’s disgusting, but it gives me an idea / Everyone wait while I go change my gear

Santa’s back, my darling, and my passion is strong / I haven’t a condom, but what could go wrong?

A couple months passed, and then there was joy!

The President would be grandfather/father to a new baby boy!

I hope he’s handsome like me, what a wonderful sight!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!