Santa: Corporate welfare, McMansions, poll taxes.

You’ve probably had a hectic Christmas season and so has Santa Claus. He’s been busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates. Hope your mini mouths don’t get too tired from all the sucking.

Santa also purchased a pharmaceutical company and he’s going to gouge patients who need AIDS drugs like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, those Wu-Tang albums ain’t gonna pay for themselves. In fact, the big guy has gone full-on capitalist and his interests now include making wealth inequality worse and spending like a Koch brother to prevent Obama from winning a third term. (Yeah, I know, but don’t tell him.)

Santa’s actually feeling pretty good these days. Thanks to those intermittently useful evangelical dipshits, conservatives run the House and Senate and are only a Ted Cruz Presidency from making the U.S. a complete corporatocracy. 

Oh, and he isn’t giving your asshole children toys for free this year. You’ll pay retail, bitches.

You don’t like Santa’s vision? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!•

Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dolly after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Nana (1935-2015)

Laid-off elf: Jaw weary from so much fellatio.