My fellow Americans, if you dipshits can stop beating the snot out of each other in elevators for five fucking minutes, I have something to say to you.

Okay. But just five minutes.

In 2009, I took over the governance of a badly damaged country from an alcoholic who couldn’t find oil in Texas.

I painted kitty cats.

But nothing I do pleases you geniuses. Even Obamacare, a rousing success by every measure, is hated by the very people who need it most.

Stay away, you death panels.

I’ll get you the way I got Joan Rivers.

Despite my best efforts, the world has become even dumber. I waxed Osama bin Laden and now they’ve got terrorists who wear Rolexes.

The guys got it for me for my birthday. It was really thoughtful.

Everyone chipped in. Except for Al-Bilawi, that cheapskate.

I told you I left my wallet in my other vest.

Domestically, things are just as stupid. You rocket scientists want your crossing guards armed with howitzers.

Don’t cross on yellow. DON’T CROSS ON YELLOW!

I’ve added jobs for 55 straight months despite dealing with a do-nothing Congress, and you babies continue to whine.

My iPhone 5 isn’t good enough. I want the iPhone 6. Do something.

Even the quality of our celebrities having nude photos leaked has hit rock bottom.

Now everyone will see my nipples.

I’m doing all the heavy lifting and all you derps care about is my tan suit.

That’s because it’s un-Presidential!

So I’m announcing my resignation.

Now I get to be President!

Wait for it…

I’ve determined it’s best I pre-resign from the Presidency and effect change in America in other ways. Mostly through reality shows and family brawls in Costco parking lots.

I’ve got to get out of office before Charles Barkley says one more stupid thing.

All black folks beat their children with trees.

In closing, you trolls can go screw yourselves. Now you’ll get what you so richly deserve.