“Then, murder again.”

Hermit Crab Habitat and accessories – $15 (Park Slope)

We are clearly not good people. I mean, we have excellent intentions. And we all know what that paves. We were gifted 2 hermit crabs by a departing do-gooder friend. We decided to do right by them and upgrade their home to a hermie castle. And they lived well for a time, basking in the glory of our love and their crabiness.

But things would take a dark turn in the castle. Shell-envy was in the air, and there was a murder. It was a sad reckoning, shattering our idyllic existence and bringing home the harsh truth of life in the wild. We pardoned the murderer, thinking we could rehabilitate him. Or outsmart him. We bought him a new companion, one several times his size. After a brief “getting to know you” period, things settled down and we seemed to be back in our happy place.

Then, murder again. That little crab is a goddamn ninja. I don’t know how he did it, taking out that huge crab. It would be like me taking out that dude from Troy, where Brad Pitt jumps and stabs him in the neck. Only I’m not Achilles.

At that point, we weren’t going to invest in any more sacrificial crabs, er, roommates. So the ninja was in solitary, a fitting punishment. But then he passed recently, of boredom or guilt, we’ll never know.

Come take our guilt and items off our hands.