Billionaire Vodka, venison, corporate welfare.
You probably had a hectic Black Friday and so did Santa Claus. No, he wasn’t making toys for your children in his workshop. Fuck that. Santa was busy sending viruses to the Healthcare.gov website. You see, Santa has gone right wing like David Mamet. His interests now include increasing wealth inequality and spending like a Koch brother to prevent Obama from getting a third term. (Yeah, I know, but don’t tell him.) He got a job at Goldman Sachs and converted the workshop into a gentlemen’s club for his Wall Street friends. It’s got stripper poles and dogfights and cigar bars and a firing range. But Santa’s not completely heartless. Why, he kept a few elves around to provide live sex shows for the clientele. You should see their little mouths go.
One more thing: Mrs. Claus got the heave-ho–ho–ho. She no longer had a thigh gap and Kris decided he was entitled to a fresh piece or two. So if your MILF of a mom is willing to be friendly, maybe you’ll get a gift after all. She doesn’t have to worry about getting knocked up, either. No, Santa didn’t get clipped like George Clooney. It’s just that he only comes once a year and always brings a bag. Get it? Good. Because that’s all you’re getting this Christmas.•
Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie in a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed?
Nana (1935-2013)
Santa made me blow a hedge-fund manager.
You’ve got to earn that tricycle.
