That pardon isn’t for free, Paulie. We need you to work with us.

President Obama continued a Thanksgiving tradition today when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the pardons, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word got out that they’d flipped, so they had to be taken out. You know how it is when you go against the family, boys. It’s nothing personal–just business.

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and you died like it.

Paulie (2013-2013).

Frankie (2013-2013).

Brian (1998-2013).

I promise that I will never rewatch Goodfellas during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay. Except for most types of white-collar crime. Happy Thanksgiving, Afflictor readers!–Darren