My fellow Americans, if you could put down your hand grenades and cheeseburgers for just a minute, I have a few remarks to make.

I ran for the highest office in the land in order to improve this country. But I’ve come to the conclusion that you violent half-wits deserve to continue sitting in your shit-filled diapers. So I am resigning.

I have seen some horrors during my time as President of this deeply stupid country.

Social drinkers with violent mood swings.

Senators with delicate lips who seem to have a lot of repressed energy.

People who love their assault weapons so much that they might as well fuck them and give birth to their children.

Dipshits who are unaware that the Joker is a fucking character in a fucking movie.

And whatever this thing is.

It’s me!

You fat stumblefucks have aged me horribly. I look like Dr. J’s grandfather.

You tell ’em, Pop-Pop.

In summation, I hate you all so much. In addition to resigning, I’m renouncing my American citizenship and moving to Kenya.

I knew it.

Now you jackasses will get what you so richly deserve.