Santa Claus: No more gifts, 47%.

Santa Claus is a job creator. You don’t think the elves are running the workshop without him, do you? He warned those disloyal little ingrates before the election that they needed to vote for Mitt Romney or there would be consequences. Nobody listened. Now that Santa has to provide his tiniest helpers with health insurance rather than just shoot them and use them as reindeer food when they get injured on the job, he’s been forced to make some cuts. All the elves were laid off. Santa wishes them well in the world of fetish porn. No elves means no Christmas, so all of you can go fuck yourselves, too. You’re getting squat.

Oh, and Mrs. Claus also got the heave-ho–ho–ho. Old Kris got himself a Slovenian model for a trophy wife. Santa deserved a fresh piece.•

Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie in a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed?

Nana (1935-2012)

Melania Claus.