“Our issues aside, we’re awesome together.”

I love my wife, but I wonder (East Village)

So, yes, I know my wife loves me. And I love her. Incredibly. If you’re lucky, you find that one person that you want to share everything with. I can honestly say that everything I do would be better if my wife was there to share it with me. I dont think a love like that comes along very often.

Of course, Im a red blooded American man, and I love women. I love to look. I love to imagine. Friends say that my personality can be an asset to me hooking up with beautiful women, were I to decide to seek greener pastures. I dont consider myself a ‘good looking’ man. But I’m not a hideous C.H.U.D. either.

So, if Im so in love with my wife, and she’s so in love with me, why do I look? Cuz I’m a guy? Sure. Cuz whenever we fight, the word divorce is thrown out quite a bit. Yes. Sometimes I wonder if we were just meant to be really good friends, and maybe we veil our wants for divorce, so as not to admit it, even to ourselves. After all, there’s some pride that goes along with having a ‘successful’ marriage. We see our friends come and go, fight and separate, date and split up, and we feel we’ve got a good handle on how to keep a happy home.

The problems are two fold. On my end, I suffer from major depression, medicated but not controlled. My mood swings on a dime, happy to sad, content to yearning, pleased to angry. I go from normal to furious or suicidal at the drop of a hat. Thats me. Mr. Fucked Up Head.

On her end, she is sexually stunted and has zero self esteem. So, needless to say, I never get laid, and when I do, it’s very vanilla. I’m not looking to swing from the ceiling, but I like a woman with some confidence in her sexuality. This is sorely lacking. Which I think, more than anything else, is why I look. I wont have an affair. I dont think thats fair to my partner. I wouldnt like it, so I wont do it.

The worst of it is that I work with these really cute awesome women, and because I’m in a service industry, I’m constantly meeting new people, which include a lot of pretty ladies.

I guess, I’m afraid to take the plunge. To see whats out there. I’m afraid of not finding someone as compatible than my wife. Our issues aside, we’re awesome together. And I always said I’d only get married once. One time. I dont believe in divorce, but I’d respect the decision if thats what we came to. But I wont be walking down that aisle again, so not only do I have to find a pretty lady that I like, who will deal with my mental nonsense, my not so fair figure, who will accept me and love me unconditionally, as my wife does, but who doesnt want to be married.

Am I fooling myself? Should I just resign myself to 80% in the relationship? Is it worth it to try and throw it all away and start again, at 38?