Why I hate everything!
Look the situation is getting out of hand. I don’t mean to brag but I was born with special talents like drawing, acting, singing, and all things creative, in addition I had a very big sense of morality and righteousness (or so I wanted to have). but I look back now and I see throughout my life for different psychological reasons I started to behave more and more completely different then I really wanted to be. like I drifted away from my religion and I started to develop a trait of laziness and overeating, and so on.
And things got terrible in 2004, I suddenly started to loose my feeling even towards morality and I started to have feelings for anything immoral like gay, incest, pedophilia, bestiality. etc. which I have never had before, and I knew its wrong but my heart wouldn’t listen to me and wouldn’t stop craving for these things. and I felt horrible. One day browsing the internet I stumbled upon a website depicting sexual “alternatives” (let’s leave at that) and since then I started to have a boiling inclination to watch these things and I kept fighting with myself not to watch them but sometimes after sitting long on the internet I find myself watching these things. and I don’t know what to think of myself.
A lot more has been going on since 2004 my feeling towards anything right have started to get worse and worse I lost a lot of feelings of love towards God, and I hope I don’t loose one day my feelings toward my fellow men like having the emotion of murdering someone, god forbid.
I’ve been on medication and gone to therapist but it didn’t help much. I don’t want to lose my conscience because then I will act out on it, and I don’t want to end up in prison. and besides I KNOW these things are not good for me.
Right now I’m 30 and single. and these things are making me terribly depressed, I don’t work and my talents are fading away and I live on the mercy of welfare and other people. and think I have no hope, suicide is not an option for me because I think if you’re destined to suffer you’ll suffer after your death too, now I can’t live And can’t die.
And this is WHY I HATE EVERYTHING!
Joe