"They have Dr. Phil and anybody else telling them it is OK to do almost anything." (Image by Jerry Avenaim.)

I feel like crap all the time

Depressed is basically whom I am. I have never been the cheery type to begin with. No, I am not suicidal. If I were and mentioned it here I would have someone calling authorities or I would mess it up.

I talk to people daily and have no problem expressing myself. My friends and family are typically oblivious to the most obvious signs that things are bothering me. Perhaps it is because of how I look or that I give off a certain vibe to them. For the most part people think I am invincible.

Since early childhood I have had afflictions that bothered me. Again, to look at me you would not think there was anything wrong as I typically look fine and must unintentionally hide things. I have space in the knees, have had bad scoliosis, multiple herniations over the lower back, hiatal hernia and heartburn plus occasional acid reflux, sleep apnea, arthritis in the neck, fibromas in the feet, repetitive plantar fasciitis, fat pad atrophy, myofascial pain syndrome, chronic fatigue and more. None of them would be horrific if it were just one. But I get a full fledged symphony and it makes day to day shit real hard. Has made it to when I was younger I could not concentrate, therefore did not accomplish things that I should have and in return I am not fully independent. However, I have accomplished things that with any of these ailments that I should not have been physically been able to. Added is an unnaturally high heart rate when doing exercise at the lowest of time and I am basically never comfortable.

Over the years I have been very athletic, average, let myself go and have come back. All the time I have had a number of these things creep up on me. As a teenager I had a lot of them as I was very active. In an attempt to be more useful I have slowly built myself up through pain and inability and still these ailments bother me. A podiatrist suggested I must be in exquisite pain. Physical therapists see me cramping but marvel at my abilities to do certain things and know that I do stuff at home to minimalize my pain.

I have been single for a while now also, which does not help. I like being with someone but I had a couple of long relationships and then a couple of short ones and since have not even asked anyone out. When I go out I typically attract younger women and the older ones think I must be a player, which I have been told that in retrospect a lot. 

I am good at some things and bad at seemingly easy things. I pissed an ex off by in advance saying that I do not sleep well with others. Meaning I am not sleeping over. I have issues being functional while getting some sleep. If I were to spoon I do not sleep. I sleep with a fan on. I do not like being slept on top of and have had women that have the attitude of you just haven’t been with the right one yet. Yea please. :). So I pissed her off by trying to avoid sleeping with her knowing that she wanted me to sleep over. I tried and tried. But she had needs and got pissed that although I needed to sleep and be up in the morning, she does not work, and we are not talking. Mind you this was not very recent.

I am not sure why I am even writing. I like to talk and do so often enough. I make others feel better and what I would need to feel better is just that, feeling better. I have baffled many a doctor as anything they would try I have already done so and failed. They shrug their shoulders.

My friends have basically proven to be not real friends and the women I would date I have not been finding real ones. Everyone has a list of simple things and then they are full of shit.

When I feel like this I can typically do a lot to make myself feel better, have fun and such but I have been in a rut for months and here is another holiday. Another year being single. Another year older. Yet my friends suggest things could be worse. I feel like crap, am in pain, barely go out except for work and when out I attract the young chicks and am alone. Sure if you were a guy that just wanted to bang barely legal chicks for decades and have nobody to answer to I would have it made. But mind you that is not me and it would not make me feel better.

Basically a true friend might help but even then it gets messed up. A genuine gf perhaps but society has fucked so many things up that nobody is even close to whom they say that they are anymore. They have Dr. Phil and anybody else telling them it is OK to do almost anything and cut and run and everything is OK. But we all have those initial first talks that seem good.

When you are feeling OK or have things going well some things do not bother you as much. When everything that you try to do is seemingly taking too long, a simple customer service call takes forever, changing a tire, having issues up the azz, aches, pains, no fun and being single just has you passing GO and not only not collecting $200 but being given a ticket for going too damn slow.

Fuck!