"If you don't wait on me I'll report you."

Of all the important and momentous events in the life of writer Oscar Wilde, riding on a Long Island train wasn’t one of them. But that didn’t stop the Brooklyn Daily Eagle from reporting on a minor kerfuffle he was involved in while aboard a train headed for Long Beach, in its August 24, 1882 issue. Wilde’s haughtiness with a conductor was apparently met with pure cheek. An excerpt:

“Oscar Wilde has been badly snubbed by the guests of Long Beach and other resorts on Long Island. In traveling between Hunter’s Point and Long Beach in a drawingroom car the other day he occupied two chairs in the laziest kind of way. Presently Conductor Billy Reynolds passed through.

‘Conductor?’ called out Oscar.

‘What is it, sir?’

‘Hand me some ice water,’ commanded Oscar.

‘There’s the tank; fill in,’ tartly replied the conductor.

‘Impudence, damned impudence,’ chimed in Sam Ward. ‘I’d report the fellow, Oscar.’

‘See here, young man,’ cautioned Oscar, ‘if you don’t wait on me I’ll report you.’

‘Report and be damned,’ said the conductor. ‘I sized you up long ago.’

Oscar was as good as his word. The railroad officials laughed over it, and that conductor is said to be in line for a promotion.”