Shocker: The Pope Getting All Crunk And Nasty

November 21, 2010 in Fake, Humor | Permalink

Pope Benedict XVI: Works blue. (Image by Rvin88.)

Many people were stunned to learn that Pope Benedict XVI justified condom use for male prostitutes with AIDS in a recent interview. It’s the first time the Vatican has ever acknowledged that there’s a circumstance when condoms are acceptable. Some pundits think this may be a sign that the Catholic Church is showing progress when it comes to sexuality, but based on some other statements he made, it seems that the Pope may have just been effed up like Charles Barkley during the Q&A. Here are some more comments from the Pope about other times it’s okay to use condoms:

When Boning Sarah Or Bristol:
“These two get pregnant if you sneeze on them. Even Octomom snickers. You might even want to double-bag it, or you could find yourself on the Levi Johnston Election Committee. And now that she’s constantly prancing around in the great outdoors pretending to like nature for the reality show cameras, Governor Snooki is especially horned up.”

When Fisting A Porn Star Outside Of Marriage:
“This is an instance where you need latex gloves instead of condoms, but we’re still talking rubber. Listen, if you marry the porn star, you can go raw fist. But if this is, say, a one-off thing at a Halloween party, you need to wrap that hand. I recommend Rubbermaid, but anything with a latex base will suffice.”

When Having Butt Sex With A Midget:
“If we’re talking, like, under four feet tall or something like that, then you need to use a lubed-up sack for comfort’s sake. I’m not suggesting that butthole size is completely determined by height, but let’s err on the side of caution in this matter.”

When Watching Tiger Woods Golf:
“You can’t be too careful. He’s like Caligula with a 3-iron.”

When Being Counseled By A Catholic Priest:
“Do you not read the papers?”

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