Fresno Slim's Bum Spit--the bum spit category leader since 1899.

I came across this funny McSweeney’s phony advice column, which was written by Alison Rosen, who was a very witty colleague of mine some time ago. She also has an Internet TV show called Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend, in which she talks non-stop into a camera. Seriously, she either can’t or won’t shut the fuck up. An excerpt from the McSweeney’s piece, Poverty Is Wonderful, which looks at the positive side of the economic decline:

•No one can accuse you of being a rich asshole
Go ahead, see how many rich assholes you can name. We could play this game all day if I didn’t have a croquet match in twenty. But the point is that everyone can list rich assholes. Poor people can be assholes too, but no one knows their name. Being poor is like being in the asshole witness protection program. That’s something money can’t buy.

•No one tries to use you for your money
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be pursued by only the most attractive and eligible members of the opposite sex? To be invited to countless galas? To spend every waking moment on a yacht? It’s empty, but you wouldn’t possibly understand. Heavy hangs the neck that wears the VIP laminate. But when someone visits your hovel or cardboard box you can be assured that they really like you for you. Or because you’re on their stoop.

•You don’t have to wonder what you’d do if you didn’t spend so much time making money
Go ahead and make that artistic masterpiece out of crushed cans and bum spit. Write your novel on Popsicle sticks. Stage a production of Cats featuring real cats.

•No awkward lying to beggars
Instead of averting your gaze and mumbling “no, sorry” to a panhandler who asks if you have spare change, you can confidently look the beggar square in the eye and feel great about not helping.