Snooki: The turlet was all the way over there. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

Something really bad was happening to the environment recently, but then Snooki crapped her pants. She’s the best! It happened either on a boardwalk or in a parking garage–there are conflicting reports. It wasn’t an accident if that’s what you’re thinking. Snooki can control her bowel movements; she just chose not to. Having been rewarded handsomely for sub-literate, antisocial behavior, she feels like she needs to constantly up the ante. And anyhow the bathroom was about 40 feet away, so why not just use her clothes as a toilet and do something to entertain her many fans.

According to eyewitness accounts, Snooki had downed some booze and a veal parm a few hours earlier and felt she needed to evacuate her intestines, so that she could be light on her feet during a planned broken beer bottle fight with another woman. Despite her diminutive size, Snooki craps like a herd of alpacas. Her thong couldn’t catch the poop, and it oozed out onto the ground. The Smithsonian has called about it; they’d like to acquire the stool and permanently keep it floating in one of the museum’s toilets. It’s just like when they acquired Fonzie’s leather jacket if Fonzie’s leather jacket had been made of feces.

Only losers use them. (Image by Downtowngal.)

Everyone has been tweeting about Snooki dropping a deuce in her pants and fans are making a pilgrimage to the Jersey Shore to see it for themselves. The dung has been roped off to protect it from being stolen, but the masses can get close enough so that they can take photos in front of it.

People who watch her TV show claim to like Snooki, but it’s unlikely they would ever want to trade places with her. It seems they just enjoy laughing at someone who makes them feel superior. But what kind of message does that send to children who might think they can thrive by acting like pigs rather than developing their minds. Democracy can’t survive without an informed citizenry and …oh wait, The Situation just pissed himself! There are conflicting reports, but it happened either on a bar stool or in a bowling alley. He’s the best!