Old Print Article: “Umbrella Duels,” Brooklyn Daily Eagle (1895)

July 6, 2010 in Old Print Articles, Urban Studies | Permalink

Hellcat will stab you in the head.

According to this asinine article in the July 6. 1894 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle, Old Timey women were using their umbrellas to beat the snot out of one another. An excerpt:

“Two or three umbrella duels have occurred in this vicinity of late. Women were the duelists and there were no fatalities. Jealousy and hatred were the inspiring causes of these conflicts and a good deal of skill was exhibited in the use of weapons. We have always believed that when the new woman entered the field of honor she would import into that gory reservation something worthy of her own sweet self. And she has.

Men may cling to the pistol, the rapier, the saber, the poignard, the Kentucky shot gun, the bowie of Mizzoura, the bolas of the Argentines, the putty blowers of Paris and the cowhide boots of New England. But woman has a more effective instrument in the umbrella. That is, it is more effective when directed against another woman. A bullet merely kills and often does not hurt much. An umbrella on the contrary does not often kill, but it does worse, it scratches and disfigures and with it the appearance of a rival bonnet may be utterly ruined. Every steel rib is devised to catch a ribbon or a piece of lace, or even to impair the bloom on the cheek of innocence or insurance agents. One woman is known to have made a terrible threat of putting her umbrella down the throat of a certain person and opening it, from the outside. Compared with this possibility of punishment the sports of Romans with the early Christians must be regarded as mere amateur cruelties.

Weapons of mass destruction.

Still, the umbrella has a good deal to commend itself, as opposed to the pistol. In the first place the pistol is monotonous. The people have tired of it as an implement of the novel and the drama and will be glad to welcome something different. Again, the startling noise that accompanies the use of firearms is avoided by the use of umbrellas. Instead of reports there are only screams and whacks.

Again, the pistol duel is sometimes conclusive after a single shot; whereas the umbrella duel is a truer test of sincerity in the attacking parties. A person who is convinced that she has right on her side can do prodigies of skill and daring with an umbrella, while, if a pistol had been used, a lucky or unlucky chance might have settled the battle before it had begun. It is hoped that the new woman will continue to employ the umbrella when she has a cause of war with a neighbor. We hope this because if she should take to using pistols it would be the innocent man in the back yard next door but two who would be hurt.”

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