I seem less criminal-ish when I smile and dance.

Tom DeLay: I would have loved to be right in the middle of the health care reform fight.

Decoder: Health care industry lobbyists have tons of cash.

Tom DeLay: Dancing with the Stars was the best fun I ever had.

Decoder: Except for the time I posed for that mug shot. Dang, that was good times.

Tom DeLay: There is an argument to be made that these unemployment benefits keep people from going and finding jobs.

Decoder: The non-existent jobs that don’t exist.

Tom DeLay: There is a rage in this country–I’ve been sitting out of D.C. for a long time–that I have never seen before.

Decoder: Maybe there’d be less rage if I hadn’t turned the Republican Party into an ATM machine to be filled by K Street lobbyists and Russian oil barons. Man, I hope my senior aides convicted in the Abramoff scandal are having fun in prison.

Tom DeLay: The rage against Republicans is that they want to see Republicans stand on principles and fight for the principles.

Decoder: I am completely fucking unprincipled, but maybe one of the other Republicans can do it. Is that guy Herb around? Maybe he can give it a try.

Tom DeLay: We have budget considerations that are incredibly important now that Obama is spending monies we don’t even have.

Decoder: I helped Bush turn a budget surplus into a $600 billion deficit.

Tom DeLay: I am rooting for the Tea Party activists. I think it’s a great opportunity for the Republicans if they will take it.

Decoder: Other people see hatred, racism, paranoia and incoherence, but I see opportunity. Maybe other Republicans are put off by weirdos blaming the government for all the problems in their jackass lives, but not an unethical scumbag like me.

Tom DeLay: [Republicans] ought to be reaching out to [Tea Party activists], accommodating them.

Decoder: Pander to the dummies, throw them a bone. That’s what I was doing with the birther movement and the Terry Schiavo case. Use them like we used born-again Christians to get W. elected. Opportunists need zealots to carry the water.

Tom DeLay: You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I really don’t care. I am who I am and I did what I did. I’m proud of what I did.

Decoder: Yeah, I really am crazy. Maybe I’ll plead insanity if my Texas money-laundering case ever comes to trial.

Read other Decoders.