Panama: Doubling the size of a canal is so easy that we have time to waste on Afflictor.com.

I have a question for you, Panama, with you tropical climate and your historical reliance on commerce: Which one of your approximately 3,360,474 citizens visited Afflictor.com yesterday? It was on Saturday–a Saturday we’ll never forget at the Afflictor.com offices in Brooklyn–that the data revealed to us that you took precious time from your busy schedule of expanding the Panama Canal to waste valuable moments on our idiotic website. The Canal expansion is scheduled to be completed some time in 2014 or 2015, so you best not tarry. Welcome to Afflictor Nation, Panama! You may have broken with Spain in 1821 and Colombia in 1903, but let us never part.

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