Sharron Angle

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle

August 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: Photo fuzzy, as is her reasoning. (Image by Steve Wainstead.)

Sharron Angle: We need people to really stand for faith and trust, not hope and change.

Decoder: By telling people to not vote for change, I seem to be encouraging them to support my opponent, the incumbent Harry Reid. That can’t be good for me.

Sharron Angle: Harry Reid is a consummate politician.

Decoder: Unlike me. I’m a total stumblefuck.

Sharron Angle: And these programs that you mentioned–that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward–are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment.

Decoder: Why wait to see if I’m elected before blurring the line between church and state?

Sharron Angle: I know people are very frightened about what’s going on in this country.

Decoder: Most of them are frightened of me.

Sharron Angle: Harry Reid’s plan to save the Nevada economy is coked-up stimulus monkeys.

Decoder: I’m trying to twist a legitimate university drug-research project that involves monkeys into a scandal for my political gain. According to the Washington Post: “Bonnie Davis, a spokeswoman for The Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, told ABC the ‘small grant has helped protect very important research that will have significant impact on public health in regards to cocaine addiction and the issue of relapse.'”

Please do not stop your cocaine research. I love science so very much. (Image by Jorge Perez.)

Sharron Angle: [Harry Reid] reinvents himself at each one of his elections.

Decoder: This time he’s running as the person who’s not the crazy lady.

Sharron Angle: We know that once we have a majority that are dependent upon the government, we will lose our freedom.

Decoder: But think of all the extra time we’ll have. We won’t have to rush around when buying cocaine for our monkeys.

Sharron Angle: We need to have the press be our friend. We want them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.

Decoder: The press will probably never be my friend, but Harry Reid seems to like me more every time I open my mouth.

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Decoder: Comments By Nevada GOP Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle

July 2, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Harry Reid: Nevadans were desperate to vote me out of office. Thanks for saving my ass, GOP.

Sharron Angle: People are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying, “My goodness what can we do to turn this country around?” And I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

Decoder: Since the Second Amendment allows for the right to bear arms, it appears that I’ve just suggested that someone should murder Harry Reid.

Sharron Angle: We have 14% unemployment in the state of Nevada, the highest foreclosure rate in the nation, and the highest rate of bankruptcy in Nevada. That is where people must hold Harry Reid accountable, because Harry Reid doesn’t care about their jobs. He doesn’t care that they are having trouble staying in their homes and that’s why Harry Reid needs to be fired.

Decoder: This might have been the average campaign rhetoric if I hadn’t also said this: “As your U.S. Senator, I [won’t be] in the business of creating jobs. People ask me what I’m going to do to develop jobs in my state. Well that’s not my job as U.S. Senator.”

Sharron Angle: [I oppose abortion for victims of rape and incest] because I’m a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.

Decoder: Treating victims of horrific sex crimes to moronic platitudes is my idea of Christianity.

Sharron Angle: The separation of church and state is a doctrine meant to protect the church.

Decoder: It’s actually meant to protect that state from religious nuts like me who want to force my idiotic beliefs on others.

Sharron Angle's lemonade stand.

Sharron Angle: [We should bury the nation’s most radioactive waste 90 miles outside of Las Vegas to create jobs] because we need to make lemonade out of lemons.

Decoder: Why won’t anyone ever drink the lemonade I make? It’s so tangy and refreshing. They think it’s radioactive, don’t they?

Sharron Angle: They keep extending unemployment benefits to the point where people are afraid to go out and get a job because the job doesn’t pay as much as the benefit. There are jobs that do exist. We have [created] so much entitlement that we have spoiled our citizenry that they don’t want the jobs that are available. You can make more money on unemployment than you can make by going down and getting one of those jobs that are honest jobs. What we really need to have them do is take those jobs that are entry-level jobs, build up their seniority.

Decoder: When I lose the race for Senator, I am going to go get a minimum-wage job in the fast-food industry. I will gradually work my way up to running the french-fry machine by myself. Even for this, I will be underqualified.

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada Tea Party Member And GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle

June 11, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim-Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: I feel the same about legalizing alcohol. The effect on society is so great that I’m just not a real proponent of legalizing any drug or encouraging any drug abuse.

Decoder: Yet the thought of me being Senator is enough to make anyone want to get wasted.

Sharron Angle: I’m elected by the people to protect, and I think that law should protect.

Decoder: Although I vilify Obama for universal healthcare, which is aimed at protecting people.

Sharron Angle: There are new people who got into politics after Obama won.

Decoder: Sure, I know, the timing seems funny. A black guy gets to be President and all of a sudden a lot of fringy white people get interested in politics. But it’s completely a coincidence.

Sharron Angle: Right now, we say in a traditional home one parent stays home with the children and the other provides the financial support for that family. That is the acceptable and right thing to do. If we begin to expand that, not only do we dilute the resources that are available, we begin to dilute things like health care, retirement, all the things offered to families that help them be a family.

Oh no, dude! Sharron Angle might get elected Senator! (Image by Dota.)

Decoder: In addition to being completely unrealistic, this statement is aimed at making sure that no families with two working parents will vote for Republicans. We’ve already alienated Latinos, African-Americans and many other groups, but there are still too many people who might vote for the Party. I want to be certain that the GOP has the narrowest base possible, so that we will never win any elections. In this way, we will take back the government.

Sharron Angle: I’ve never been a Sunday only kind of Christian.

Decoder: I’m preachy and annoying 24/7.

Sharron Angle: I’m tired of some people calling me wacky.

Decoder: I’m not tired of being wacky–just of people accurately calling me that.

Sharron Angle: Government is not the answer.

Decoder: And the question is: Where should I be working?

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Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle

May 28, 2010 in Humor, Politics | Permalink

Sharron Angle: "I am the Tea Party." (Image by Achim Raschka.)

Sharron Angle: A tsunami of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Decoder: Tsunamis are really destructive and kill people and destroy property. Why would anybody vote for conservatives if it would cause them to be dashed against rocks and have their garages knocked down? Next time I will compare conservatism to something pleasant, like Labradoodles or cupcakes.

Sharron Angle: The problems we’re seeing with our children and these shooting incidents–such as at Columbine–psychotropic drugs are linked to them.

Decoder: You know what else is linked to school shootings? Guns. But I can’t be honest about that fact since I’m in the Tea Party. Remember: Psychotropic drugs don’t kill people, people on psychotropic drugs with guns kill people.

Sharron Angle: [My father’s] small business was a motel. And so we did those things as a kid growing up that Americans don’t do. We cleaned bathrooms and made beds and swept floors, did laundry, those kinds of things.

Decoder: Americans are disgusting filthbags with dirty toilets. Hand them a mop and some Top Job.

A Labradoodle of conservatism is coming in waves across the country.

Sharron Angle: I am the Tea Party.

Decoder: Incoherent, judgemental, hypocritical, whiny and lacking in basic history and self-awareness.

Sharron Angle: My message is what the people want.

Decoder: Except maybe, for example, the part about abolishing Social Security. That might not be so popular with the people, especially in a state like Nevada with such a high percentage of senior citizens. And if any of these seniors have filthy toilets, I may have doubly offended them.

Sharron Angle: I really don’t trust big government. When big government gets in control, we know those great ideas turn out to be something that hits us right in the pocketbook.

Decoder: Like the lower taxes that working-class people have paid under President Obama.

Sharron Angle: These people in the government, at the United States level…should be the least powerful in the nation rather than the most powerful because of the way our founders set up our government.

Decoder: People have much more power with regard to voting rights and representation right now than they did at our nation’s birth. And what the fuck did I mean by “at the United States level” anyhow? Did somebody think I was discussing Iceland?

Sharron Angle: I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong. I don’t think you can get away from that: People make value judgments.

Decoder: Which is unfortunate because the people voting in Nevada might make a value judgement about me, and my values are complete bullshit.

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