Roger Goodell

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With all due respect to the Palins and Kardashians, the NFL is America’s main dysfunctional family.

Roger Goodell, currently playing the role of the forlorn father, is the gently lined head sitting atop the league’s monstrously jacked but battered body. With his corporate handsomeness, Goodell seems like any ostensibly decent man in command of something indecent, charged with the burden of making an unconscionable thing look acceptable. He always followed what he was taught was the right path in life, yet he finds himself in the wrong–and it’s too late to unlearn all the lessons. How complicated this world.

The multibillion-dollar league’s PR machine has tangled its limbs so tightly around God and nation and military and sheer Americanness that if you dare to utter the obvious–it’s a brutal, brain-wrecking game that no child should play–you somehow seem an enemy of the state. But the calls have still grown loud, and the commissioner’s response is slow, calculated and cloaked in coached language.

Boxing, once itself the undisputed champion of American athletics, was done in by similar circumstances, but it was a mere collection of banana republics run by dime-store despots. The NFL is American corporatocracy itself, lawyered up and too big to fail. Goodell is its governor of sorts, and the drinking water, he’s been told, is dirty, and can never be clean again. He offers his reassurances.

Mark Leibovich, a wonderful NYT political writer, drops in on another cartoonish party with serious consequences as he takes the measure of the embattled but immensely league, just prior to Super Bowl 50. Many of the power brokers he interviews are, unsurprisingly, caucasian, septuagenarian, politically conservative, driven by greed, desperate for attention and wildly successful. An excerpt:

During my three visits to the N.F.L.’s Park Avenue offices, I was always struck by the thick propaganda of the place. The N.F.L. Network plays at all times on big screens. Every corporate office celebrates itself, to some degree, but the N.F.L.’s is particularly overwhelming, as if it were the sanctum of a highly successful megachurch marrying ESPN and Scientology. I had the strange feeling, as I waited in the lobby, that I was being watched, if not filmed.

On my first visit, Greg Aiello, the N.F.L.’s longtime communications director, took me to the cafeteria, known as the Huddle. We passed photo murals celebrating the various Members in their moments of triumph. He brought me an iced tea, sat me down and told me good stuff about the commissioner, good things about the league, big and heady numbers. He handed me positive fact sheets and articles and then, unprompted, summed things up: ‘‘Roger wins.’’

On another visit to the Huddle, I met Tod Leiweke, the league’s chief operating officer, who was hired last summer. Leiweke, a former Seattle Seahawks president, has brushed-back white hair, a sunny and almost New Agey manner and a beakish nose that makes him somewhat resemble an actual sea hawk. He wore a beige sweater with the Shield embroidered across his chest. Leiweke got to know Goodell on a climb up Mount Rainier with other executives. Over lunch, he hurled mountain metaphors at me. ‘‘There are ­challenges to running the most successful league in the world,’’ he told me. ‘‘It’s like clouds on Rainier. Not everything’s perfect, but you fight through it.’’ He continued: ‘‘The league is trying to climb new mountains of its own.’’

He described Goodell as ‘‘convicted,’’ meaning, it seemed, having strong convictions. ‘‘Roger is hard-working, dedicated, convicted, tenacious,’’ he said. ‘‘He is an amazing, convicted guy.’’ He closed on message. ‘‘And he’s a winner.’’

My impression of Goodell, before I met him, was not favorable.•

 

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Because the word’s highest cancer rates aren’t killing citizens at a fast-enough pace, China may be in the midst of importing American football. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has at least 99 problems–many of them-concussion-related–but he gets breathless over the thought of cracking the world’s biggest market. The opening of “Hard Knocks: Shanghai,” Hua Hsu’s new Grantland article:

“The National Football League currently maintains four offices around the world. There is an office in Mexico City. The NFL has been popular in Mexico since at least the 1970s, and some of the largest-ever crowds to watch preseason and regular-season games were recorded in the nation’s capital, where the league has staged games since 1994. There’s another office in Toronto, where the league claims a fan base of nearly 1 million, the most die-hard among them along the border. NFL Europa shut down operations in 2007 but an office continues to thrive in London, where an annual regular-season game is played at Wembley Stadium. Commissioner Roger Goodell has even mused, carefully and obliquely, about one day placing a franchise there.

The last office is in Shanghai.

How does one begin to explain how unlikely NFL China is? Anything you want to assume about a nation that constitutes nearly 20 percent of the world’s population is probably true. China is whatever you want it to be: Massive and diverse and black-hair sameness, ancient and postmodern and blink-of-an-eye changing, it requires a different scale of description. But it’s probably not the riskiest generalization to suggest that China does not conform to anyone’s vision of a hotbed for American football. When I arrived in Shanghai, I was offered a litany of reasons, ranging from the cultural to the genetic, for why the sport would never catch on among locals. For example: There isn’t a deeply ingrained sports culture in China, and what little energies were devoted to following such things usually involved international competition. Team sports aren’t big in China, either, and the one-child policy has made parents more averse than ever to subjecting their kids to potential harm. And beyond all this, there’s football itself, which has never been an intuitive product for American export. Even nations with an appetite for American things have traditionally found football exotic and inscrutable, one of those aspects of the culture that simply doesn’t translate well.

But something unusual is happening throughout China’s major cities, where football is one of the fastest-growing sports. ocal Chinese kids are buying cleats and pads and starting teams and football clubs.”

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Remember when I wrote that I fear an NFL player is going to die during a game because of how dangerous the sport has become? Well, Commissioner Roger Goodell has similar apprehensions. From “His Game, His Rules,” Don Van Natta Jr.’s excellent ESPN profile of Goodell’s iron-fisted tenure:

“Six and a half years into Goodell’s tenure, his billionaire bosses believe the man who dreamed of being commissioner as a teenager is perfectly suited to lead the league through its most perilous time. They paid him $29.5 million in 2011, and in January 2012 he signed a five-year contract extension. Robert Kraft, the Patriots owner, says Goodell runs the NFL as if he owns it — the league literally belongs to him. Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner, says Goodell cares so much about the game that he ‘totally emptied his bucket — everything he’s got — and put his life into the NFL.’

As part of his mission, Goodell often tells audiences a favorite story: More than a century ago, before there was an NFL, President Theodore Roosevelt saved football with the blunt force of his visionary leadership. In 1904, 18 student-athletes died playing the game, mostly from skull fractures. A devout fan, Roosevelt convened the coaches from Harvard, Yale and Princeton to a White House meeting. The innovations that were adopted — the forward pass, the founding of the NCAA — helped propel an endangered game into the modern era.

The history lesson not only places Goodell in Roosevelt’s shoes and the current worries about player safety into a historical context, it also portends one of his greatest fears: An NFL player is going to die on the field.

It’s happened only once. Lions wide receiver Chuck Hughes died of a heart attack late in a game on Oct. 24, 1971. Within the past year, Goodell has told friends privately that he believes if the game’s hard-knocks culture doesn’t change, it could happen again. ‘He’s terrified of it,’ says a Hall of Fame player who speaks regularly with Goodell. ‘It wouldn’t just be a tragedy. It would be awfully bad for business.'”

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It’s amusing (in a sad way) that the biggest story from the NFL last week was that a couple of New York Giants faked injuries to disrupt The Rams’ hurry-up offense. It was a minor footnote blown up into a huge sensation and the sport’s biggest story, a parallel one, was all but ignored. And that’s because sports reporters are part of the same machinery as the NFL, more concerned with keeping the cash register humming than offering any rational analysis.

Last Sunday, quarterback Michael Vick received a concussion  and bit his tongue so badly that he was spitting up blood on the field. QB Tony Romo was also seriously injured and this (approximate) sentence was uttered on the NFL Network on Tuesday: “It’s been learned that Romo suffered a collapsed lung as well as cracked ribs. It’s not sure if he will play on Monday.”

The question sports reporters are asking: Will Romo play this Monday? The question they should be asking: Why the hell would Romo be playing this Monday? Why would he be playing a brutal car-crash sport just eight days after his lung–a vital organ–stopped working because it was so severely damaged in an on-the-field injury? I’m assuming a couple of talking heads asked these latter questions, but I guarantee they were in the vast minority. That’s because few people care about the players’ health and everyone cares about the violent diversion and, especially, the money. And, yes, Romo was just cleared to play this Monday.

I know there are other people in our society who risk their lives all the time, most notably members of the military, but the military is important and football is certainly not important. My assumption is this insane attitude will continue until a player dies on the field. Does anyone think that’s impossible?•

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From Rollerball, 1975: “You know how the game serves us. It has a definite social purpose.”

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A message from the Editor.

As we reach our 1,000th post, which is a slow morning for most bloggers, it’s time to look back at those items that resonated with you, the Afflictor readers. You can pretty much throw out the first 500 posts–they were god-awful and I’m embarrassed of them all. The next 250 entries showed slight improvement. And the most recent 250 posts were largely about monkeys using cocaine. These were spectacular. Here is a countdown of what the data tells us are the ten most popular posts in the history of the idiotic site known as Afflictor.

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10. Lady Gaga Urinates On Home Plate At Yankee Stadium

Lady Gaga: There was a line at the restroom. (Image by Daniel Åhs Karlsson.)

Worried that someone somewhere in the world wasn’t paying attention only to her, Lady Gaga climbed down from the stands at Sunday’s Yankee game and urinated on home plate just before the start of the sixth inning. Taking off her clothes, grabbing her private parts and making obscene gestures in the luxury boxes for the game’s first two hours helped her make a spectacle of herself, but it wasn’t until she had downed a few large beers that Gaga was ready to unleash the piece de resistance. Imitating the squatting style of the late catcher Elston Howard, the New York-born singer gave the capacity crowd an amazing show.

“Wow, she’s a great entertainer,” said Yankee fan Phil Vacco, 21, of Bay Ridge. “That’s why I live in New York. To see big stars behave like filthy hobos.”

Yogi Berra: I'm sure glad I retired. Home plate smells like pee-pee.

Lady Gaga has enjoyed a meteoric rise over the past year, going from completely unknown to completely boring in record time. Now totally overexposed, she’s burned through Madonna’s whole tired act in a matter of months.

“My fans are everything to me, and I would die for them,” Gaga said, pulling up her torn underwear after she was finished taking a leak.

Then she headed to Monument Park where she set fire to a statue of Lou Gehrig and performed public sex acts with old timer Joe Pepitone.

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9. Lindsay Thinks She’s In A Really Lousy Airport

Lindsay: I'd like a window seat.

Lindsay doesn’t know she’s in jail, so you probably shouldn’t mention it to her if you happen to wind up in the cell next to hers. She just thinks she’s in a very bad airport, like, the worst one she’s ever been in. Her lawyers didn’t want to bum her out, so they didn’t really tell her the whole truth and stuff. Maybe they should have.

Lindsay thinks the plane must be very delayed. Perhaps there was a bad storm or something. And to make matters worse, this crappy airport has no magazine stand where she can buy an Us Weekly and a Red Bull. It’s odd that all the Passenger Service Agents have guns and handcuffs and the Ground Crew gives her strip searches, but in this age of terrorism, you can’t be too careful.

The plane will be here soon, pumpkin. (Image by Glenn Francis.)

Lindsay thinks it’s good of the airline to give her free food and a place to sleep while she waits for her plane, but the meals and accommodations are pretty subpar. She hopes the plane will get here soon because waiting around is such a drag. Lindsay isn’t sure where the plane she’s waiting for is going, but she hopes it’s someplace really cool. Maybe she’ll be making a movie there or hosting a party or something.

Sometimes Lindsay wishes she could fly without an airplane. Then she wouldn’t have to wait around for anyone. She would just flap her arms and soar into the sky where everything is quiet and peaceful and blue. There would be birds to talk to and she could get close enough to the rainbows to touch them. And it would be just completely great and make her really happy if all the clouds she flew into were made of marshmallows and vanilla ice cream and crystal meth.

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8. Exclusive: Snooki Running For Mayor Of Wasilla

Campaign slogan: Wanna fuck? (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

Because every antisocial, opportunistic cretin contributing nothing to society feels compelled to run for Mayor of Wasilla, Snooki has just announced she’s throwing her snatch into the ring.

Snooki has an unusual platform that has nothing to do with improving Wasilla’s primary school education or eldercare services. She plans to woo voters by giving a blowjob in public to a giraffe shipped in from the Alaska Zoo. It might sound strange, but there’s a method to her madness. Wasilla is a hardscrabble town that could use a great mayor to help it cope with the many social problems it’s facing, but short of that the locals need someone to make them feel better about themselves. Snooki blowing a giraffe will achieve that latter goal because it will enable the citizens of Wasilla to feel superior, since they won’t be the ones who’ll have giraffe semen in their mouths. Even though no one asked her to, Snooki has even volunteered to swallow the quadruped ejaculate. People are willing to give her handkerchiefs to spit into, but she won’t hear of it.

For his part, Levi isn’t giving up without a battle. He’s agreed to finger the house pets (dogs, cats, ferrets, etc.) of any MILF who is willing to throw her vote his way. He has, however, asserted that he will not use his tongue on them. That could hurt him with swing voters, but no one will know for sure until Election Day. The one thing we do know for certain is the people who are considering creating a reality show that has Levi running a sham campaign for mayor of Wasilla are college graduates who should definitely know better. But they care nothing for the welfare of the people in the small Alaskan town.

There'll also be assplay. (Image by Hans Hillewaert.)

MTV and its parent company Viacom are being very supportive of Snooki’s mayoral aspirations, because they’re not multi-billion dollar corporations just using the Jersey Shore cast members to make large sums of money before discarding them like trash. People might think that’s what’s happening, but it’s totally not. For instance, if one of the Jersey Shore kids should contract HIV from one of the drunken hook-ups that MTV and its parent company Viacom enables and encourages, the network will no doubt be there for them.

And MTV and and its parent company Viacom have a sense of responsibility that goes far beyond just the cast, extending to the millions of young viewers who may emulate the disgusting behavior displayed on the show. The program is popular with a very young demographic, and let’s face it, not all of those tweens and young teens who watch have great parental guidance. Should the show inspire some of them to behave promiscuously and get an STD, maybe even AIDS, the corporations will definitely intercede and help them emotionally and financially, especially if they need expensive hospice care. Anything less would be incredibly negligent.

It’s not easy for executives at MTV and Viacom these days because they all keep having the same recurring nightmare. It goes something like this: After cashing their paychecks for Season 3, the Jersey Shore cast members realize they’re going to be replaced by cheaper dummies the following year anyhow, so they decide to not put their health at risk for what is actually a small amount of money. They all conspire to give up drinking and behaving like pigs and instead go to libraries and do charity work for people in need. MTV and Viacom execs all wake up in a panic just as the kids become good citizens.

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7. NFL Rule Changes: Kidnappings Now Permissible

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: I was just really tired of suspending everyone. (Image by Bradley Lail.)

The NFL Rules Committee recently met and have made some changes to modernize America’s favorite sport and make it even more reprehensible. Commissioner Roger Goodell was tired of reprimanding everyone in football anyhow, so he decided to say fuck the rules to reduce the number of player suspensions and fan arrests. Dogfighting, gun and drug possession, beating up strippers, ticket holders behaving like boxcar hobos and players experiencing brain damage is just the beginning. Shit’s gonna get effed up, people!

For one thing, kidnapping is now legal. If the other team has a player who’s really making it difficult for your team to win the game, your guys can get some guns and rope and kidnap that player from the opposing sidelines. Then they can have that player beg for mercy before the cameras to psyche out the other team. Fans will not only be able to bet money they don’t have on game outcomes but also on which players will emerge from their kidnappings alive.

Players will no longer wear helmets. They’re getting brain damaged already anyhow, but it’s happening in a way that’s subtle, gradual and not entertaining. Now they’ll be a chance to literally see some of the damaged brains, should they ooze from a player’s gashed, bloody head. CT scans of the injured skulls will be taken as soon as players are carted off the field, and the head X-rays will be displayed on the scoreboard along with other stats.

Who wants to pistol-whip the free safety? (Image by Belinda Hankins Miller.)

Officials will be required to carry firearms, though they will only be able to use them to murder players at non-skill positions. If an official accidentally kills a quarterback or running back, he in turn will also be murdered. These executions will occur at mid-field via lethal injection, which will be administered by the referee the condemned official was least friendly with. Announcers will be encouraged to use profanities and talk trash about former announcers who have recently passed away. Those losers were weak and cowardly and their grieving families should know.

Only fans have been able to get disgustingly drunk during games in the past, but players will now be permitted to drink booze and smoke weed on the sidelines. The liquor they drink will, however, have to be made by an NFL sponsor. It’s a great way to raise revenue through product placement. Cheerleaders are being replaced by prostitutes, who will provide players and coaches with blowjobs and quickies at halftime. Fans will likewise be permitted to have sex in the stands between halves, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes or purchase prostitutes from the concession stand. Fans who have grown too obese to perform sexually will be able to watch a porno on the Jumbotron so that they can remember what arousal felt like.

The NFL will be much more interactive since fans will help determine when games are over. The 60-minute playing time will no longer be observed. Games will continue until 100 players and/or spectators have died from cardiac arrest or alcohol poisoning. The team with the most points at that juncture will win, and the deceased will be buried in a mass grave beneath the 30-yard line before carrion can have at them.

Are you ready for some football?

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6. Decoder: Larry King’s Interview With Lady Gaga

Larry King: I should have retired when Jackie Gleason died.

Larry King: We have a Tweeter question for Lady Gaga that was Twitted to us.

Decoder: I think my pocket calculator just exploded.

Lady Gaga: I am good friends with Deepak Chopra who I speak to a lot about my dreams. And he seems to think it’s nothing really to worry about. He tells me that I’m very creative and I should learn to embrace my insanity and not worry so much because I always call him and say, Deepak, I had this most horrible, morbid dream. What does it all mean? And he says you’re just very creative. Put it on stage.

Decoder: Deepak Chopra is getting a new unlisted number.

Lady Gaga: I probably should take a break and go on vacation. But I’d rather die on stage, not under a palm tree.

Decoder: Talking to you, Larry, makes me fixate on death.

Lady Gaga: I hope when I’m dead I’ll be considered an icon.

Decoder: You are like a walking casket, Larry. You fill me with thoughts of mortality. I can see your breath when you speak.

Lady Gaga: Ready to sit shiva for Larry. (Image by Danielåhskarlsson.)

Larry King: Is there any boundary you won’t cross?

Decoder: Would you, for instance, be open to being the fourteenth wife of a desiccated talk-show host?

Lady Gaga: So much of what I do is hinged on show business. I believe so much in it–people ask me, what do you dress like when you’re alone? Do you ever just wear sweatpants or whatever they say. And I’m thinking that they–the concept of show business is lost. Michael Jackson, when he was being wheeled out of the ambulance when he was burned, he held his glitter glove up high above his head to was to his fans, because he was show business.

Decoder: More than anyone else, Michael Jackson needed to throw on some sweatpants and not be a freak for five minutes. He’s a terrible role model for anyone in or out of show business.

Lady Gaga: I’m very religious. I was raised Catholic. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I’m very spiritual. I pray very much.

Decoder: I pray that you won’t touch me with your bony fingers, Larry.

Larry King: Lady Gaga has a special relationship with her fans.

Decoder: My fans, however, have all died from natural causes, as have their children.

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5. Environmental Disaster Worsens in July As…Oh Wait, Snooki Just Crapped Her Pants

Snooki: The turlet was all the way over there. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

Something really bad was happening to the environment recently, but then Snooki crapped her pants. She’s the best! It happened either on a boardwalk or in a parking garage–there are conflicting reports. It wasn’t an accident if that’s what you’re thinking. Snooki can control her bowel movements; she just chose not to. Having been rewarded handsomely for sub-literate, antisocial behavior, she feels like she needs to constantly up the ante. And anyhow the bathroom was about 40 feet away, so why not just use her clothes as a toilet and do something to entertain her many fans.

According to eyewitness accounts, Snooki had downed some booze and a veal parm a few hours earlier and felt she needed to evacuate her intestines, so that she could be light on her feet during a planned broken beer bottle fight with another woman. Despite her diminutive size, Snooki craps like a herd of alpacas. Her thong couldn’t catch the poop, and it oozed out onto the ground. The Smithsonian has called about it; they’d like to acquire the stool and permanently keep it floating in one of the museum’s toilets. It’s just like when they acquired Fonzie’s leather jacket if Fonzie’s leather jacket had been made of feces.

Only losers use them. (Image by Downtowngal.)

Everyone has been tweeting about Snooki dropping a deuce in her pants and fans are making a pilgrimage to the Jersey Shore to see it for themselves. The dung has been roped off to protect it from being stolen, but the masses can get close enough so that they can take photos in front of it.

People who watch her TV show claim to like Snooki, but it’s unlikely they would ever want to trade places with her. It seems they just enjoy laughing at someone who makes them feel superior. But what kind of message does that send to children who might think they can thrive by acting like pigs rather than developing their minds. Democracy can’t survive without an informed citizenry and …oh wait, The Situation just pissed himself! There are conflicting reports, but it happened either on a bar stool or in a bowling alley. He’s the best!

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4. Shocking Ending On The Office Next Season: Michael Scott To Be Brutally Murdered

Blood everywhere. (Image by Greg Hernandez.)

It’s been reported elsewhere that the Michael Scott character is exiting from The Office at the end of next season, but we’ve learned exclusively that his departure will be as the result of a particularly brutal murder. The shocking crime is to occur at the hands of Meredith, Dunder-Mifflin’s troubled Supplier Relations representative, whose deeply rooted personal problems have long been a source of mirth.

In the episode, Michael will be collecting his personal effects at approximately five in the afternoon, preparing to head home to his condo after another day at the Scranton branch when he is accosted by a knife-wielding Meredith, who is no longer able to cover up her pain with alcoholism and promiscuity. Having felt the sting once too often of Michael’s cruel taunts about her physical unattractiveness, Meredith lunges at him and can’t stop stabbing until her mania subsides minutes later. The warehouse guys have their hands full trying to clean up the mess.

No man will harm me again. (Image by Angela George.)

Although Pennsylvania maintains the death penalty, very few murderers are executed, so it’s possible Meredith will escape lethal injection. She had displayed the type of aberrant behavior in regards to alcohol and sex that people engage in to try to mollify acute suffering. This pattern of behavior most likely resulted from some trauma or abuse that occurred in childhood, and no one should have been making light of it.

In a subplot, smirking prankster Jim decides to use the situation to irk thick-headed rival Dwight, placing Michael’s decapitated head on his desk and challenging his co-worker to defeat it in a staring contest. “Fact,” says Dwight, “If you put pennies on my eyes, I will simply blink and knock them off whereas a disembodied head will not be able to do so.” Dwight eventually takes the bait, but office tight-ass Angela becomes irritated with Jim, telling him that “it’s hard enough working here after the slaying and you keep making it harder.” That’s what she said.

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3. New Show Coming Soon To ESPN: Lebron James Discusses His Pecker Variety Hour

Lebron James: South Beach has much better pecker weather than Cleveland. (Image by Dave Hogg.)

Coming off the ratings bonanza of Lebron James’ The Decision show, in which he revealed which NBA team he would play for next, ESPN has greenlighted the latest program idea from Camp Lebron, a show that has the newest member of the Miami Heat discussing his pecker. While James’ ego was somewhat satisfied by the non-stop attention from journalists and billionaire team owners and his ability to talk about his “talents” in front of millions of people, there was precious little time left for him to discuss his pecker. James is hoping the new show will remedy that oversight and help his pecker build a global brand.

ESPN President George Bodenheimer quickly cleared the programming slate when he found out Lebron and his pecker were available, especially since King James agreed to donate proceeds from the ad sales of his program to charity. “Not only will this be groundbreaking programming,” Bodenheimer said from ESPN headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut, “but just think of the good Greenpeace can do with all that pecker money.”

Host Jim Gray will be on hand to ask Lebron tough questions about his pecker’s life on and off the court. The program will be immediately followed by Charles Barkley’s Vampire Disco Bullfight Execution Hour, in which the former forward will get effed up and just wing it.

Charles Barkley: I decide which matadors get to live. (Image by Scott LaPierre.)

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2. Exclusive: Huge Changes Ahead For American Idol

Gen. Petraeus: You sing like Cher after she's been to a Taliban dentist.

The news is everywhere that a shakeup has gone down behind the scenes at American Idol. With ratings starting to decline and Simon leaving the program, producers knew that they had to take some drastic measures.

So, judges Ellen and Kara are out and replacing them will be J-Lo and Steven Tyler. What hasn’t been reported is that General Petraeus will also be joining the show as a judge. Already assigned with the twin burdens of successfully completing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Petraeus will be expected to rescue the disaster that Idol has become.

Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri: Your pants are on the ground, infidel.

Some people think Petraeus is too nice like Ellen, but this is a four-star general who is used to talking tough with some of the most evil terrorists in the world. If you sing a song and you sound like a bunch of cats murdering a bird, Petraeus isn’t going to lie to you.

He’s also up for the ratings challenge. “We will pursue Dancing with the Stars relentlessly,” Petraeus said at a press conference. “We will target them and their leaders. We will fight hard and with discipline until we reach our achievable goals.”

In order to further liven things up, Ryan Seacrest has been let go to make room for new host, Al-Qaeda member Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri. Unlike Ellen, this enemy combatant is definitely not too nice. In fact, he’s a terrorist hellbent on destroying Western culture. The banter between Al-Marri and Petraeus will no doubt be deliciously bitchy. Fox has its fingers crossed.

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1. That Dick Cheney Sex Tape Finally Surfaces

The fans respond. (Image by Landii.)

That Dick Cheney sex tape that’s been rumored to be out there for a while has finally emerged on the Internet. It’s not great quality video footage–kind of grainy–but you can clearly see it’s the former Vice President.

Some people think that Cheney’s political enemies have released the tape to embarrass him, but others believe that Cheney himself has leaked the video to boost his popularity. Nobody has any sympathy for him even though he has a ferret heart and arteries fashioned from a vacuum cleaner bag. Maybe having a sex tape in circulation will improve his standing with the public like it did for that Kardashian woman.

I’ve already had a look at the footage and it’s as graphic as you might expect. It’s certainly not for the squeamish, as there’s no pixelation. Cheney likes using his mouth a lot on the private parts and he’s really into doing it doggy style. He seems unduly proud of his blotchy skin and tiny wang. There’s a tattoo of a scorpion on his ass. He sneers throughout.

Cheney: Fuck me harder.

You have to give the former Veep credit for being pretty athletic considering he lacks a pulse and a heartbeat and shit. During the climactic scene, Cheney appears to ejaculate bat blood instead of semen. It’s possible it’s snake venom, but it really looks to have the texture and consistency of bat blood. I don’t know for sure; I’m not a bat scientist.

If the video goes viral, then perhaps Cheney will get to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars or maybe decide to run for the Presidency in 2012. Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who’s done soft-core photo spreads and videos, can be his running mate. Obama only does tasteful topless shots, so they’d have that advantage over him.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: I was just really tired of suspending everyone. (Image by Bradley Lail.)

The NFL Rules Committee recently met and have made some changes to modernize America’s favorite sport and make it even more reprehensible. Commissioner Roger Goodell was tired of reprimanding everyone in football anyhow, so he decided to say fuck the rules to reduce the number of player suspensions and fan arrests. Dogfighting, gun and drug possession, beating up strippers, ticket holders behaving like boxcar hobos and players experiencing brain damage is just the beginning. Shit’s gonna get effed up, people!

For one thing, kidnapping is now legal. If the other team has a player who’s really making it difficult for your team to win the game, your guys can get some guns and rope and kidnap that player from the opposing sidelines. Then they can have that player beg for mercy before the cameras to psyche out the other team. Fans will not only be able to bet money they don’t have on game outcomes but also on which players will emerge from their kidnappings alive.

Players will no longer wear helmets. They’re getting brain damaged already anyhow, but it’s happening in a way that’s subtle, gradual and not entertaining. Now they’ll be a chance to literally see some of the damaged brains, should they ooze from a player’s gashed, bloody head. CT scans of the injured skulls will be taken as soon as players are carted off the field, and the head X-rays will be displayed on the scoreboard along with other stats.

Who wants to pistol-whip the free safety? (Image by Belinda Hankins Miller.)

Officials will be required to carry firearms, though they will only be able to use them to murder players at non-skill positions. If an official accidentally kills a quarterback or running back, he in turn will also be murdered. These executions will occur at mid-field via lethal injection, which will be administered by the referee the condemned official was least friendly with. Announcers will be encouraged to use profanities and talk trash about former announcers who have recently passed away. Those losers were weak and cowardly and their grieving families should know.

Only fans have been able to get disgustingly drunk during games in the past, but players will now be permitted to drink booze and smoke weed on the sidelines. The liquor they drink will, however, have to be made by an NFL sponsor. It’s a great way to raise revenue through product placement. Cheerleaders are being replaced by prostitutes, who will provide players and coaches with blowjobs and quickies at halftime. Fans will likewise be permitted to have sex in the stands between halves, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes or purchase prostitutes from the concession stand. Fans who have grown too obese to perform sexually will be able to watch a porno on the Jumbotron so that they can remember what arousal felt like.

The NFL will be much more interactive since fans will help determine when games are over. The 60-minute playing time will no longer be observed. Games will continue until 100 players and/or spectators have died from cardiac arrest or alcohol poisoning. The team with the most points at that juncture will win, and the deceased will be buried in a mass grave beneath the 30-yard line before carrion can have at them.

Are you ready for some football?

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You'll be throwing picks for the Browns this year, Jake.

I’m glad NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell wanted to try to fix the inequity of the league’s overtime rules, but I don’t like what he did. The NFL has modified overtime (just for the postseason) so that if a team wins a coin toss and kicks a field goal, the other team will now get a possession. I still prefer the Afflictor solution, which altered OT for the regular season as well as postseason. It was posted on December 29, 2009. An excerpt:

The problem. In the current system, which started 35 years ago, a coin flip determines which team gets the ball first in OT. Since it’’s sudden death, that first possession is key and the team that gets the ball first wins more games by a few percentage points. Chance shouldn’t determine the first and potentially only possession.

The changes I’d make. In order to favor merit over luck, there’d be no more coin toss. If there is a tie at the end of regulation, a 10-minute overtime period would begin from exactly where the action stands at the end of regulation. Even if one team scores, the ten minutes will be played to completion. If the game is tied at the end of this period, a horn will sound and a five-minute sudden-death period will commence from where the action stands. The first team that scores in this period wins. If neither team scores, the game is a tie. In playoffs, the five-minute sudden-death portion continues until there is a winner.

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David Stern: I've been NBA Commissioner for so long that people have stopped questioning if that's a good thing. It is not. (Photo by Cody Mulcahy.)

David Stern, NBA (1984- ):
In the last ten years on Stern’s watch, the league has become a gigantic money pit ($400 million this year alone), attendance has plummeted despite the presence of huge stars and there’s been a gambling scandal involving an on-court official (thanks to the lax management of officiating). Stern did an exceptional job marketing the game and its stars during the ’80s and ’90s and fostering the globalization of basketball, but even the Michael Jordan glory years will have to be rethought if it ever surfaces that the Bulls legend stepped away from the game for a couple of years for some sort of unseemly reason.

Verdict: It is well beyond time for Stern to be replaced.

Roger Goodell, NFL (2006- ):
Just go the gig, so there isn’t enough of a body of work to judge him on. Has shown a serious interest in the concussion problem that has plagued the NFL. Has tried to be firm but fair-minded when it comes to off-the-field misbehavior by players. Showed initiative by moving Pro Bowl to the week before the Super Bowl to give it some relevance. One hopes that he will pay more attention to the plight of former players than his predecessor did. He should also try create a better system of financial education for current players, as the majority of them end up broke a few years out of the league.

Verdict: Has shown promise and deserves an opportunity to live up to it.

Gary Bettman, NHL (1993- ):
Thought it was a good idea to move an ice hockey franchise from Canada to Arizona. Allowed the league to expand ridiculously so owners could cash some quick checks at the expense of the level of play and the long-term health of the NHL. Placed far too many teams in Southern U.S. markets and not enough in hockey-crazed Canada. Two labor stoppages have occurred on his watch, including the complete cancellation of the 2004-2005 season. Has done nothing to reduce the number of teams that qualify for the playoffs, which seriously diminishes the meaning of the long regular season. Has postured that he will no longer allow NHL players to participate in the Olympics, which is great publicity for the league. Current TV deals with NBC and Versus aren’t befitting a pro sports league. Revenues have increased during his tenure, but revenues are not the same thing as profits or long-tern viability.

Verdict: The NHL Commissioner job is not an easy one, but Bettman has been subpar from the beginning. Should be replaced.

Bud Selig, MLB (1992- ):
Whether it’s steroids, exorbitant ticket prices or late starting times, Selig is always the last one to know there’s a problem. A former owner, he’s remained popular with current ones by allowing them to greedily pocket short-term cash at the expense of fans and the game’s future. People have been claiming baseball is on the wane since the 1880s, but Selig does actually test the game’s resiliency. To his credit, he’s been behind the push to globalize the sport and has supported RBI (Reviving Baseball in Inner Cities).

Verdict: Should be ousted and replaced by someone with discipline and vision. Scheduled to retire in 2012, but the owners will simply install a similarly ineffectual mediocrity.

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Jake Delhomme gets his whole body into that interception.

I know the NFL has bigger issues than fixing overtime. The players have non-guaranteed contracts, concussion syndrome has thankfully become a subject du jour and one very geeky journalist is fairly questioning the moral justification for the sport’s existence. But I like trying to solve problems, so I’ll have a go at fixing the inequitable system of NFL overtime.

The problem. In the current system, which started 35 years ago, a coin flip determines which team gets the ball first in OT. Since it”s sudden death, that first possession is key and the team that gets the ball first wins more games by a few percentage points. Chance shouldn’t determine the first and potentially only possession.

The changes I’d make. In order to favor merit over luck, there’d be no more coin toss. If there is a tie at the end of regulation, a 10-minute overtime period would begin from exactly where the action stands at the end of regulation. Even if one team scores, the ten minutes will be played to completion. If the game is tied at the end of this period, a horn will sound and a five-minute sudden-death period will commence from where the action stands. The first team that scores in this period wins. If neither team scores, the game is a tie. In playoffs, the five-minute sudden-death portion continues until there is a winner.

The ass kissing. That pretty boy NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell needn’t thank me if he’s busy. It would be nice, sure.

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