Jeff Zucker

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It’s been a tough stretch at CNN: bad ratings, awful reporting about the Boston Marathon bombing and new network president Jeff Zucker saying that he wants to “broaden the definition of news,” while adding a lot of entertainment shows to the schedule. But at least CNN has an exciting new correspondent.

Hi, I'm Billy Eichner, from Billy on the Street, reporting from Syria for CNN.

I’m Billy Eichner, from Billy on the Street, reporting from outside the former American Embassy in Syria for CNN.

Assad is going to murder you, gays!

Assad is going to murder you, you gays!

The American homosexual is correct.

The American homosexual is correct.

For a dollar, who is

For a dollar, who has had more work done, Joan Rivers or Sarah Palin?

My children have died from typhoid and my husband was boiled in acid.

My children have died from a lack of potable water and my husband was boiled in acid.

Wrong, you moron. It was Sarah Palin.

Wrong, you moron. It was Sarah Palin.

For a dollar, what is the best way to destroy a hostage's genitals, ball-peen hammer or a pair of rusty pliers?

For a dollar, the best way to wreck a political prisoner’s genitals is by using a ball-peen hammer or rusty pliers?

I have been using a ball-peen hammer. but these rusty pliers sound interesting.

I have been using a ball-peen hammer. but these rusty pliers sound interesting.

That's right. You win a dollar.

Correct!. You win a dollar!

The American homosexual is correct.

Great. In Syria these days, a dollar will buy many pairs of rusty pliers.

Assad is going to murder you, gays!

Assad is going to murder you, you gays!

Jeff Zucker: I'm just trying to broaden the definition of what news is.

Jeff Zucker: I’m just trying to broaden the definition of news.

Rupert: Good job, Jeff.

Rupert: Good job, Jeff.

More fake crap that seemed funny at the time:

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Jeff Zucker: I'm ready for the Green Car Challenge, Jay.

Jeff Zucker: I do think that there would be a benefit to having people who have run businesses in office–who have a sense of how to how to get something across the finish line, make hard decisions that actually everybody can get behind.

Decoder: During my tenure at Universal, NBC managed to get behind all the other networks as well as the cultural zeitgeist.

Jeff Zucker: I think we just have to get the cynicism behind us [in politics] and we have to get some things accomplished and I think people who can do that would be very helpful and beneficial.

Decoder: And due to delusional arrogance, I actually believe I’m one of those people, despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary.

Jay Leno: Mavis and I both love the affiliates, Jeff.

Jeff Zucker: Well, [running for office] is something that I would certainly look at.

Decoder: Right after I finish looking at Jerry Seinfeld’s fabulous new show The Marriage Ref, which I greenlighted.

Jeff Zucker: [Whether I run for office is] all about the timing.

Decoder: As someone who okayed moving the Tonight Show to the next day, timing is obviously not my strong suit.

Jeff Zucker: [I would run for office] in New York.

Decoder: I will make even the worst New York politicians seem palatable by comparison.

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