Howard Stern

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Whether it’s Howard Stern or that other shock jock Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump’s deep-seated need for praise has made him a mark for those who know how to push his buttons. In the 1990s, when the hideous hotelier was at a career nadir, he was a veritable Wack Packer, dropping by the Stern show to cruelly evaluate women and engage in all sorts of locker-room banter. Trump tries to dismiss these un-Presidential comments as “entertainment,” but his vulgarity off-air is likewise well-documented. He wasn’t out of his element when with the King of All Media but squarely in it. And it wasn’t just two decades ago. Up until 2014, Trump was still playing right along, allowing himself to be flattered into conversation he must have realized on some level was best avoided.

For Stern, who’s become somewhat less of an asshole as Trump has become far more of one, the joke was always that ugly men were sitting in judgement of attractive women. The future GOP nominee, however, was seemingly not aware he was a punchline. He’s a self-described teetotaler who somehow has beer goggles for himself. 

In “How Howard Stern Owned Donald Trump,” a sharp Politico Magazine piece, Virginia Heffernan writes knowingly of the dynamic between the two men. The article’s one glaring error–it initially stated Stern hasn’t revealed if he would vote for Trump or Hillary Clinton when he’s repeatedly stated he’s supporting the latter–has been corrected. An excerpt:

Today, as the Republican nominee, he may fashion himself as a boss and a master of the universe. But what comes across in old tapes of the show, resurfaced recently by BuzzFeed and other outlets, is that Trump, like many of Stern’s guests, was often the one being played. By nailing him as a buffoon and then—unkindest cut—forcing him to kiss the Howard Stern ring, Stern and his co-anchor, Robin Quivers, created a series of broadcasts that today showcase not just Trump’s misogyny but his ready submission to sharper minds.

Why would people subject themselves to Stern’s hazing? Generally, his guests in those days—if not strippers and professional opera buffa types—had to have been brought pretty low, so that a combination of psychological fragility and hunger for celebrity made them vulnerable to his mock camaraderie. That’s why it’s important to remember that Trump in the period of his appearances on the show was deeply in the red. By the time he was a regular, he had blown it all in Atlantic City, run out on his vendors, left his imperious first wife, Ivana, for the commoner Marla Maples, earned the yearlong silent treatment of his namesake son and reported a loss of nearly a billion dollars. (Even a businessman of cognitive impairment would have to sweat that one.)

His 1987 business advice memoir, The Art of the Deal, which briefly conferred valor on Trump’s scattershot career, was now a distant memory. Trump’s gilded glory belonged to the suddenly despised ’80s.

But Stern took Trump’s calls, and even had him into the studio. He gave Trump free airtime, as would cable news much later. And so Trump became dependent on the shock jock. He even admitted at times to being addicted to Stern’s show, telling Stern during one episode that he was late to at least one “really important” meeting, because he couldn’t tear himself away from the broadcast. Trump’s attention was evidently sliding off the dreary business of becoming solvent again. He was finding his calling as a carny.•

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When you’ve been successful as long as sports broadcaster Al Michaels has, when you haven’t had to worry about food and shelter essentially your whole life, when you’ve had a blessed ride, you have to be especially on guard against the gradual development of moral blind spots. The announcer guested recently on The Howard Stern Show and discussed two of the most pressing ethical quandaries facing the NFL today: brain injuries and the racist team name of the Washington Redskins (a debate he called “nuts” earlier this year). On the latter issue, Michaels doesn’t believe the term “Redskins” is the same as if the team was called “Blackskins” (oh, it is), and feels that since the majority of the fans (who are white) approve of the name which insults a minority, it should remain (it should not). His rationalizing and lack of empathy is stunning. An exchange follows.

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Howard Stern:

Do you agree with me that if a group of people, especially Native Americans, who have been shit on, they’ve basically been devastated as a people, if they’re offended by the term “Redskins,” why in God’s name would this guy, this owner [Daniel Snyder], who’s blessed with owning a team in the NFL, and he’s got more money than God, and he’s got a great life, why is this guy fighting so fervently to hold on to the name “Redskins”?

Al Michaels:

Well, I think he feels that the polls he’s taken, or have been taken, that most people are not offended by it…this is what I’m telling you what I think he sees. He also sees a fanbase, that when you score a touchdown you have 90,000 people at FedEx Field in Landover, Maryland, and they get up and they sing “Hail to the Redskins,” 90,000 people. So when you see this, and when you see a lot of people saying, “Oh, no, this is the tradition of the team, this is not a derogatory phrase…”

Howard Stern:

So where do you stand on this personally?

Al Michaels:

The name of the team, I mean I never even thought about this, Howard, I didn’t until it came up. It’s not to beg the issue but at a certain point, something’s going to offend everybody, and if a minority is offended by something, do we now change everything people are offended by?

Howard Stern:

Look, you know me, I’ve got a pretty thick skin, but if it it was a team named the “Blackskins” or the “Jewboys,” I would be offended by it.

Al Michaels:

Well, that’s a whole other thing, too…

Howard Stern:

You think?

Al Michaels:

But the name of this team was the name of this team for over 50 years before people started to say this is now derogatory.

Robin Quivers:

Well, maybe the Indians were saying that, but nobody was listening. 

Al Michaels:

People say, and again this is what I’ve heard from people inside the Redskins organization, there are tribes, their teams are named “Redskins” on the reservations. 

Howard Stern:

So you think they should keep the name?

Al Michaels:

Look, I mean, I understand both sides of the issue here, but to me I never thought of it in those terms. I guess if it offends enough people then you do change it. Right now, I’m seeing the majority of people, Redskin fans, saying, “We’re okay with it.”•

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Howard Stern is a funny guy with a rare facility for psychology, but he lives within a bubble of wealth and self-absorption so he’s not always particularly attuned to current events. He did, however, recently point out astutely, when discussing the disappointing sales of Lady Gaga’s new record, that the music business clings to the past the same way the film industry did during the 1980s when it unsuccessfully sued VCR makers. You can’t ignore or legislate progress away. Some foresaw the end of record stores more than 30 years ago, so it’s not like the future sneaked up on record execs.

A newer company like Netflix realizes that a portable computing culture demands that you bring entertainment to people wherever they are, while more traditional companies like Blockbuster, weighed down by bricks and mortar, go out of business. When you’re an institution, it’s difficult to avoid oncoming doom even if you can see it racing towards you. 

From Stern:

“Nowadays isn’t every album a flop? The record business…you know I read this guy Bob Lefsetz and he made a point, he was saying that when computers came about, and we all use our computer for typing, the typewriter companies didn’t get out there and go, ‘Fuck the computer business, I’m gonna sue them.’ They either created a computer or a keyboard or something. They didn’t say we’re gonna fight progress and stop the computer from stealing out business. Now the music business unfortunately reacted in way that was like that. They were like, ‘Hey, we love the way we’re doing business. We like record stores, and the Internet is coming about and we’re going to sue it and fight it’ instead of adapting to the business and finding a new way of selling music. And what it’s going to take is some brilliant executive in the music business who figures out how to market things in today’s environment, who figures out how to use the Internet almost like it’s a radio station. You know, record companies thrived even though AM and FM were playing the music for free. But they figured out how to make that a marketing thing. I’m not in the music business, but there are ways to sell music. Maybe the whole concept of an album is completely outdated. Yes, artists have a hard-on for putting out an album like the Beatles would put out Sgt. Pepper’s and have a whole statement to make. Maybe in terms of selling music that has all passed us by, and that opportunity doesn’t exist. Maybe an artist has to figure out that they’ll put out a song once a month as opposed to putting out an entire album and let people put together their collection. I don’t know what the new paradigm should be. You used to put out an album and go out and promote it for a year and there was a way of doing business. Now that’s out the window. They’ve got to figure out a new way of doing business. The album might be a thing of the past. Life is progress. Things are going to change and you must adapt.”

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“Always searching for records?”

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Did you have encounters (sexual and otherwise) with Liberace, Loretta Lynn, Ronald Reagan, Michael Jackson and Charles Manson? Of course not. But Scott Thorson, the source of Behind the Candelabra, says he has. He stopped by Howard Stern’s show recently to overshare about these people and so much more. Language absolutely NSFW, unless you work in an S&M dungeon.

Scott and I are just friends.

Scott and I are just friends.

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Roman Polanski–wanted, desired and, now, Skyped. This April 2013 interview took place between the fugitive director and the Roxie Theater in San Francisco. In 1997, while vacationing in Paris, I was seated in a cinema on the Champs-Élysées waiting for the beginning of Howard Stern’s Private Parts. Who walked in just as the credits were about to start but Roman Polanski and an angelic-looking blond, who was either a woman who looked like a girl or a girl who looked like a woman. Polanski laughed aloud during the scene about Howard’s Bergman-esque college film.

Baba-booey.

Baba Booey!

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Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who once tried to levitate Mia Farrow’s skirt, is interviewed by Howard Stern in 1985. Howard, who practices TM, was, sadly, very respectful, at least in this part of the interview.

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If it weren’t for Robert Reich, Rachel Maddow would be the most adorable communist in America. The MSNBC host just did an Ask Me Anything on Reddit. A few exchanges follow.

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 Question:

If you could go back in time and cover any news story in history as it unfolded, which would you pick?

Rachel Maddow:

Maybe the presidential election of 1800? A tie! Decided in Congress! Aaron Burr! All that weird campaigning they had never done before! I find electoral politics mostly enervating, but that one sounds like it would have been a blast.

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Question: 

Is there anyone at another cable news channel that you really admire as a broadcaster?

Rachel Maddow:

I really like the way Shep Smith (at Fox News Channel) balances anchorman gravitas… with a willingness to put the artifice aside and acknowledge what it really going on. Some of us can pull off seeming like human beings on TV, some of us can pull off V.O.G. authority, but Shep is really very good at both. Better than anyone else, I think. Also, I’ve met him and he’s a nice person!

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Question:

Our family hung the Rolling Stone photo of you, shooting a Henry Big Boy rifle, on the front of our refrigerator. (We love you and we love repeater rifles.) Do you think the gun legislation and conversion currently brewing in the US would be more efficient if more liberals, who occasionally like to get their cowgirl on, came out of the closet? I really don’t see why the topic ends up being so right wing vs left wing. I feel like there should be much more overlap between the camps.

Rachel Maddow:

Two things: (1) I agree! I think this issue is way more polarized in politics than it is in real life. Gun appreciation, even gun enthusiasm (which I confess to in a small way!) is absolutely not inconsistent with a belief in rational gun-safety reform. It’s weird that we think of the political battle as gun-lovers versus gun-haters — do you know a single gun-lover (who doesn’t work in the political side of the gun movement) who thinks it makes sense for someone adjudicated mentally ill to be barred from buying a gun from a guy at a store, but allowed to buy a guy under a tent or at a convention center? Also, (2) would you please do me the favor of drawing a tiny little moustache on that picture on your fridge?

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Question:

What was it like meeting Howard Stern? That was a great interview; I bought your book afterward.

Rachel Maddow:

Thanks! I love Howard Stern. I was intimidated to meet him just in a fangirl kind of way. But also because I knew he would ask me questions about sex that would make me blush like a cardinal. Once I realized that I could just tell him “no, i’m not answering that!” — then it was just pure fun. That was one of the best interviews I have ever been part of.

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When Howard met Rachel:

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A couple of weeks ago, I posted a piece from Evan R. Goldstein’s Chronicle article about “offshoring” human brains into robot receptacles, effectively immortalizing not only human intelligence but individual personalities as well. It’s a process far beyond cryonics. Ray Kurzweil illuminates the topic further in his blog post “The Strange Neuroscience Of Immortality.” An excerpt about neuroscientist Kenneth Hayworth:

“Before becoming ‘very sick or very old,’ he’ll opt for an ‘early ‘retirement’ to the future,’ he writes. There will be a send-off party with friends and family, followed by a trip to the hospital. After Hayworth is placed under anesthesia, a cocktail of toxic chemicals will be perfused through his still-functioning vascular system, fixing every protein and lipid in his brain into place, preventing decay, and killing him instantly.

Then he will be injected with heavy-metal staining solutions to make his cell membranes visible under a microscope. All of the water will then be drained from his brain and spinal cord, replaced by pure plastic resin.

Every neuron and synapse in his central nervous system will be protected down to the nanometer level, Hayworth says, ‘the most perfectly preserved fossil imaginable.’

Using a ultramicrotome (like one developed by Hayworth, with a grant by the McKnight Endowment Fund for Neuroscience), his plastic-embedded preserved brain will eventually be cut into strips, and then imaged in an electron microscope. The physical brain will be destroyed, but in its place will be a precise map of his connectome.

In 100 years or so, Hayworth says, scientists will be able to determine the function of each neuron and synapse and build a computer simulation of the mind. And because the plastination process will have preserved his spinal nerves, the computer-generated mind can be connected to a robot body.”

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Howard Stern investigates cryonics and the fate of Ted Williams’ frozen head:

Fuh-fuh-frozen.

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"I use an old fashioned cassette player." (Image by GottesmanJ.)

need someone to tape show for me (Midtown)

I need someone to tape the Howard Stern show for me!! My cassette player broke a month ago and I am missing all of these shows….

I use an old fashioned cassette player, so I need them taped from Satelitte Sirius on cassettes. the commercials and all, I’m not fussy, but I just want the whole show.

If you use hour cassettes which i can send you, it’s pretty easy, come back once and hour and turn the tape over….. the price is negotiable, I’ll talk to you about that.

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Inscribed by Stern: "Yo--let's do lunch. Howeird."

I haven’t heard a word of Howard Stern’s show since he moved to satellite radio nearly five years ago, but I was pleased to briefly get my hands on an autographed copy of his 1982 record, 50 Ways to Rank Your Mother, which Stern recorded for Wren Records during his pre-Booey Washington D.C. days, when he  was billed as “Howeird” and was very into playing “rank-outs” with listeners.

The radio host (not yet dubbed a “shock jock’) is pictured on the cover dressed in all black, wearing a dog collar and a brandishing a bullwhip. A middle-class mom, straight out of central casting, kneels and cowers before him. The visual is a play on the title song, which, of course, spoofs Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” The whole album is just as crass and tasteless, and despite being recorded before Stern really fully developed his act, it still has its moments.

Hairy Howard: muh-muh-mustache.

Howard did a record signing to get rid of the surplus LPs when he first moved to NYC, and he and Robin were among the inner circle of loons who were on hand to put ink on covers. Robin signed, “Love ya. You’re the best and you can tell your friends I said so.” Howard went with a simple, “Yo–let’s do lunch.” Howard offered a special thanks to “My first wife, Alison,” which was probably a lot funnier when he was still married to his first wife, Alison. Or maybe it’s funnier now. I don’t know. Here are the titles of the album cuts, which lay low everything from Neil Young to Leave It To Beaver:

Side 1

•50 Ways to Rank Your Mother
•Unclean Beaver, Part I
•I Shot Ron Reagan
•Barry Off-White’s Ode to Howit

Side 2

•Havana Hillbillies
•Unclean Beaver, Part II
•John’s Revenge
•Nail Young’s Cat
•Family Affarce
•Bruce Springstern

More Miscellaneous Media:

  • A Knight’s Hard Day. (1964)
  • The Lowbrow Reader remembers Ol’ Dirty Bastard. (2004)
  • LP record about the 1972 Oakland A’s.
  • Madison Square Garden professional wrestling program. (1981)
  • Spy magazine. (1989)
  • Artis Gilmore ABA basketball card. (1973-74)
  • San Francisco cable car ticket stub. (1990s)
  • Bronx high school newspaper. (1947)
  • Mad magazine. (1966)
  • Vancouver Blazers hockey guide. (1974-75)
  • John Hummer NBA card. (1973)
  • Carolina Cougars ABA Yearbook. (1970)
  • The Washington Senators MLB Yearbook. (1968)
  • Ugandan currency with Idi Amin’s picture. (1973)
  • Tom Van Arsdale basketball card. (1970)
  • “Okie from Muskogee” sheet music. (1969)
  • California Golden Seals hockey magazine. (1972)
  • Beatles Film Festival Magazine (1978)
  • ABA Pictorial (1968-69)
  • Tom Seaver’s Baseball Is My Life. (1973)
  • Hockey Digest (1973)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1964)
  • World’s Fair Guide (1939)
  • Buffalo Braves Yearbook (1972-73)
  • New York Nets Yearbook (1976-77)
  • “Tom Dooley” sheet music.
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