Donald Trump Is A Moron

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Donald Trump: Lost a Rolex once while fisting.

Donald Trump recently got into trouble when he sent out a tweet that seemed anti-Semitic.

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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

I promise you that I’m much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz – I mean Jon Stewart @TheDailyShow. Who, by the way, is totally overrated.

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That does sound sort of prejudiced, like he’s trying to “expose” Stewart as Jewish, as if that were a negative thing to be, something shameful that must be hidden. But maybe Donald Trump didn’t intend it that way. I mean, it’s not like he referred to Stewart with an anti-Semitic stereotype by calling him “pushy” or something like that.

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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

Jon Stewart(?) nothing funny or smart just loud & obnoxious, a pushy dope.

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Okay, yes, Donald Trump is anti-Semitic in addition to being an orange-headed racist buffoon. But give him credit for one thing: He is a stud nonpareil. He says so himself and why would Donald Trump lie?

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@ChrisCJackson: @realDonaldTrump I’m pretty sure your wife is cheating on you at this exact second.” Sorry, no-one else can satisfy her!

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Generous man that he is, Donald Trump is ready to share his sex tips with aspiring hounds.

Wear form-fitting clothes to show off your rock-hard abs.

Okay guys, remember to wear form-fitting clothes to show the ladies your rock-hard abs. You’ll have them salivating like I do.

If that doesn't work, introduce them to your only really attractive quality.

If that doesn’t work, introduce them to your only really attractive quality.

Then you kiss the pussy like this.

Next you kiss the pussy like this.

Then you put the thing in the whole.

Then you put the thing in the hole.

But will it work for an average joe like me

But will it work for an average joe like me, Mr. Trump.

Of course. Just try it on the next hot mess you meet in a singles bar.

Of course. Just try it on the next hot mess you meet in a singles bar.

I did what you said, Mr. Trump, and I got crabs. Now my stuff itches like a bastard.

I did what you said and got terrible crabs. My stuff really itches.

Not to worry. Just use some of my new Trump Crab Spray for Men. It's classy. Just remember not to ingest it. Highly toxic.

Not to worry. Just use some of my new Trump Crab Spray for Men. It’s classy. Just remember not to ingest it. Highly toxic.

But it tastes so freaking good.

Do not drink it!

Do not drink it!

Does it come in a bigger size?

Does it come in a bigger size?

Stop drinking it!

Stop drinking my delicious crotch spray or someone will die!

THE END.

THE END.

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Donald Trump:

Donald Trump: Could put a casino in the Lincoln bedroom.

The only time Donald Trump seems to tell the truth is in legal depositions when he acknowledges that he may be given to exaggerating just a tiny bit. Otherwise, he inflates everything about himself to match his distended ego. Take, for instance, the ratings of his idiotic TV show. Donald Trump was very happy with the numbers for the premiere episode.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

@CelebApprentice wins 10-11 o’clock hour in all key ratings demographics, including, most importantly, the 18-49 age group.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Additionally, @CelebApprentice ranked as the #1 program in the 9-11 pm time period with adults in the 25-54 age group.

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Reality, however, may be slightly at odds with Trump’s accounting. From TV By The Numbers:

‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Returns Down

Time Net Show 18-49 Rating/Share Viewers (Millions)
9:00 FOX Family Guy – R 1.9/5 4.11
CBS The Good Wife 1.6/4 8.94
NBC Celebrity Apprentice (9-11PM) – Season Premiere 1.6/4 5.08
ABC Red Widow (9-11PM) – Series Premiere 1.4/4 6.92

 

10:00 CBS The Mentalist 1.5/4 9.10


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But being trounced by The Good Wife and The Mentalist in key demos can’t get Donald Trump down. He’s excited about putting up one of his tasteful buildings right near the White House. From Conservative Read, that bastion of journalistic excellence:

“A couple of years ago, I saw a major, major state dinner — and it was in tent on the White House lawn. A bad tent. Probably a tent that the guy who owns the tent made a fortune. (He) probably rented it for one night for more than it cost him. I said to myself, ‘Here’s China in a tent.’

I called up the White House, someone I know very well, very high position, and I said, ‘I will offer to build, free of charge, the most beautiful ball room in the country, anywhere. I will do it. It’ll cost anywhere from 50-100 million dollars. You can get the greatest architects. We’ll make it perfectly sympathetic with the White House and the architecture. It’ll be fabulous.’ They said, ‘Thank you very much! What an offer!’ We never heard from them.”

What an amazing building it would be! But Donald Trump still has one problem. He wants to place a fountain out front and he has to work out some details. Perhaps his friend Glenn Beck can help him.

Glenn, it's Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of golden liquid. What do you suggest?

Glenn, it’s Donald Trump. I need to fill my fountain at the White House with some sort of classy, golden liquid. What do you suggest?

How bout using my urine, Donald?

How about using my urine, Donald?

Great idea, Glenn. You start knocking back the Snapple--I'm gonna need a geyser's worth.

Great idea. You start knocking back the Snapple. I need a geyser’s worth.

Classy!

Classy!

Wow, that's gonna look classy. And no one would be stupid enough to actually drink from the fountain.

Wow, it looks great. And no one would be stupid enough to drink from the fountain.

The Obama Administration  doesn't want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I'm gonna.

Obama doesn’t want me to drink from the new White House fountain, so I’m gonna.

Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy looking drink and I don't? I'm a very important man.

Why does Sarah Palin have such a classy beverage and I don’t? I’m a very important man.

That's more like it. Cheers.

That’s more like it. Cheers.

Oh, no. I just drank Genn Beck's whiz. I better call my doctor.

Oh, no! I just drank Genn Beck’s whiz. I better call my doctor.

Hello. Dr. Morey's office.

Dr. Morey’s office.

Gloria, It's Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It's an emergency!

Gloria, It’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. It’s an emergency!

Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine would like to speak to you.

Dr. Morey, that horrible man who keeps accidentally drinking urine wants to speak to you.

Put Trump through, Gloria.

Put Trump through, Gloria.

Am I gonna survive, Doc?

Am I gonna survive, Doc?

I've got good news and bad news.

I’ve got good news and bad news, dum-dum.

What's the bad news?

What’s the bad news?

You're ugly. Oh, and you've got six months to live.

You’re ugly. Oh, and you’ve got six months to live.

That's terrible! What's the good news?

That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

You can use it as a business opportunity.

Think of the situation as a business opportunity.

My god, he's right!

Morey’s right!

Donald Trump Breat Spray. For those times when you're breath smells like Glenn Beck's piss.

Donald Trump Breath Spray. For times when you’re tongue tastes like Glenn Beck’s piss.

Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Mprey. I accidentally drank urine again.

Hello, Gloria. I need to speak to Dr. Morey. I accidentally drank urine again.

More recent fake, comedy crap:

 

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Donald Trump: Tic Tac Dough still thinks he’s a scumbag.

It’s usually the last person who should be pointing fingers who points them first. Like when Donald Trump scolds other people for adultery or accuses someone else’s restaurant of having bad food. Recently, Donald Trump has been trying to get revenge on Brian Williams because the NBC anchor chided him for his disgraceful Twitter antics on Election Day. He’s been insulting the newsman because of his low-rated primetime show, Rock Center.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Looks like @bwilliams is having some problems with his Rock Center with Brian Williams show–I hate to see such bad ratings for @NBC.

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Of course, Brian Williams has consistently had the number one network evening newscast, drawing nearly 10 million viewers a night to a non-primetime show. If only Donald Trump’s show was drawing such numbers for NBC in primetime:

“On NBC, the finale of Celebrity Apprentice was up four-tenths, drawing a 2.2 compared to last week’s 1.8 among adults 18-49. However, this was the lowest-rated finale episode of the series to date.” (TVbythenumbers.com.)

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But there’s some good news for Donald Trump: A major news organization recently conducted a scientific survey and discovered that Donald Trump is the third most envied person in America.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Wow—Family Feud said I am the third most envied man in America. I respectfully disagree—I am very modest.
Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
If I’m the third most envied man in America, the small group of haters and losers must be nauseas.

Donald J. Trump
 ‏@realDonaldTrump
Great going.
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I myself am feeling a little “nauseas” right now. However, Donald Trump shouldn’t get too excited–the same 100 people who were too dumb to get out of answering that Family Feud survey also gave these responses when asked the following question: “When someone mentions ‘the King,’ to whom might he or she be referring?”

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But Donald Trump is being too modest. He was mentioned on the Family Feud another time. It’s time to play the Feud.

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

The category is “Things You Would Ingest to Avoid Seeing Donald Trump Naked.” And your answer is “Butt Brownies.” The survey says…

ff11

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

Butt Brownies is the top answer!

Can I get real with you for a minute, woman?

I wish you would.

I wish you would.

I mean, can I get very real?

I've already stated my preference that you become more real.

I’ve already stated my preference that you become more real.

What if there was no other option? What if it became an existential nightmare and there was no way for you to avoid looking at Donald Trump naked? What would you do?

Blechh!

Blechh!

If I wasn't already dead, I'd shoot myself.

If I wasn’t already dead, I’d shoot myself.

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More recent fake, comedy crap:

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Donald Trump: Emboldened by stupidity.

Donald Trump: Emboldened by stupidity.

Donald Trump is completely full of shit, yet there’s still a void within him. He will do anything for attention, even filing frivolous lawsuits. He recently threatened to sue the rapper Mac Miller, who recorded a song called “Donald Trump,” seemingly irked because the performer made critical but not slanderous remarks about him.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Little @MacMiller, I’m now going to teach you a big boy lesson about lawsuits and finance. You ungrateful dog!

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Little @MacMiller, you illegally used my name for your song “Donald Trump” which now has over 75 million hits.

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Like the rest of Donald Trump’s existence, it is a stupid waste of everybody’s time. But he went even further with comedian Bill Maher, who jokingly promised to pay Donald Trump $5 million if the miserable mogul could prove that he wasn’t fathered by an orangutan. Even though there’s no legitimate basis for a suit, Donald Trump has indeed filed one.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

@BillMaher didn’t come through with his promised $5 million for chairty so today I will sue him.

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It’s easy to see where the legal proceedings are heading.

"Hello, Gloria, it's Donald Trump. I need to speak to my lawyer, Morey."

Hello, Gloria, it’s Donald Trump. I need to speak to my lawyer, Morey.

Morey, that horrible man who looks like calcified urine wants to file a frivolous lawsuit.

Morey, that horrible man who looks like calcified urine wants to file a frivolous lawsuit.

Put Trump through right away, Gloria. I need a new houseboat.

Morey was on fire during the trial.

Morey was on fire during the trial.

Members of the jury were dazzled. It looked bad for Bill Maher.

Members of the jury were dazzled. It looked bad for Bill Maher.

But I have a surprise witness.

But wait…I have a surprise witness.

Donnie boy! It’s me…Papa!

Jury foreman, how do you rule on Mr. Trump's case?

Jury foreman, how do you rule on Mr. Trump’s case?

I've been robbed! This never would have happened if Judge Judy was handling the case. She has a lot of money, so she's a winner.

I’ve been robbed! This never would have happened if Judge Judy was handling the case. She has a lot of money, so she’s a winner.

Judge Judy: I once presided over the landmark case of the missing potato chip.

I presided over the landmark case of the missing potato chip.

THE END.

THE END.

More recent fake comedy crap:

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Donald Trump: It took 66 years to make this mess.

Donald Trump can urinate in a jug three feet from a toilet if he feels like. He has that kind of money. It’s Howard Hughes territory. What the orange-headed racist buffoon lacks, among other things, is happiness. He tries to fill that empty sack where a soul should be by drawing attention to himself at any cost. Often he engages in public feuds with celebrities who’ve never done a thing to him. Sometimes, for instance, he attacks them for doing things he himself has done.

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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!

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And so can all three of Donald Trump’s wives! But what grandpa really specializes in are large-scale embarrassing ploys, like the racist “business deal” he offered to President Obama during the election. The latest delusional idea hatched by the hideous hotelier is that he may purchase the struggling New York Times, something that will never happen. But what if it did? Of course, it would fail the way Trump’s magazines have always failed. But until then, it would be a classy publication.

Donald Trump’s

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Miss America’s Pussy Smells Good

By PAUL KRUGMAN
Published: January 29, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

I Met A Broad In A Casino. She Was Not Flat.

By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: January 29, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Poor People Are Losers

By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: January 30, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Women Without Breast Implants Need Burqas

By GAIL COLLINS
Published: January 30, 2013

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OP-ED COLUMNIST

Mr. Cuddles Writes Words Good!!

By MR. CUDDLES
Published: January 29, 2013

 

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Donald Trump: Hypocrisy is a sham.

Perhaps it won’t end for Donald Trump the way it did for Gaddafi. Time will tell. Trump, who receives a lot of fan mail, feels that he can insult whomever he wants and never has to apologize for his boorish behavior. But others who say mean things about him need to beg his forgiveness. 

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

If Sheena Monnin apologized for her mistake, as she should have, I would have treated her very nicely.

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Sheena Monin was a contestant in the Miss USA pageant who claimed that the contest was rigged. She was sued for defamation and lost her case. In all fairness, not even someone as dumb as Donald Trump would fix a contest like that. He knows that kind of behavior could get him into a lot of trouble. Of course, Donald Trump recently called a slightly more important competition–the U.S. Presidential election–a “sham” and a “disgusting injustice” when his candidate was defeated fair and square. He has never said he is sorry for defaming that contest.

But Donald Trump was right about the pageant: Sheena Monin should have apologized. In fact, a lot of people should tell Donald Trump they’re sorry.

Thinks Don Ho was a Hawaiian gangster.

Sal, Barber: My apologies for making you look like a turd blossom, Mr. Trump. I do it because I hate you.

Dottie, Retired Schoolteacher: I’m sorry I gave you passing grades, you toolbox, but I just couldn’t bear to look anymore at that cunt you call a face.

Dave, Animal Wrangler: I'm sorry I lined my bird's cage with a photo of you. I had plenty of old newspapers.

Dave, Animal Wrangler: I’m sorry I lined my bird’s cage with  your photo, but I didn’t want to get ostrich diarrhea on old newspapers.

Don, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men's cologne to kill roaches.

Vincent, Exterminator: I deeply regret using your men’s cologne to kill roaches. My bad.

Tina, Biologist: I'm sorry I learned how to read, which has allowed me to realize that your TV show,  casinos and beauty pageants are incredibly fucking stupid.

Tina, Biologist: I’m sorry I learned how to read, which has made me realize that your TV show, casinos and beauty pageants are all incredibly fucking stupid.

Dr. Henry Benson, Obstetrician: I'm sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother's crack.

Dr. Benson, Obstetrician: I’m sorry you were ever born. I should have left you in your mother’s crack.

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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house…

...Not a job creator was stirring...

…Not a job creator was stirring…

…Not even a spouse…

…Spouse…

...Spouse...

…Spouse…

...Miss Georgia's stockings hung by the chimney with care....

…Miss Ohio’s stockings were hung by the chimney with care…

...In the hopes that St. Trumpalous would soon be there...

…In hopes that St. Dickalaus soon would be there…

...On Dancer...

…On Dancer…

...On Cancer...

…On Cancer…

...On Urine...

…On Urine…

...On Vixen...

…On Vixen…

...Let's disqualify any President...

…You disqualify any President who’s…

...darker than Nixon...

…darker than Nixon…

...Another year of treating women to your slurs and your leers...

…Another year of treating women to insults and jeers…

...Approving only of the ones who got their knockers at Sears...

…Approving only of those who bought their knockers at Sears…

...But it's really not funny, the racism...

…But it’s really not funny, the racism…

...And sexism, unending...

…And sexism, unending…

...But all you care about is whether you're trending...

…While all you care about is whether you’re trending…

...So for all the vitriol you spill and the poison you spend...

…So, for all the vitriol you spill and poison you spend…

...I hope you get stuck in the chimney....

…I hope you get stuck in the chimney…

...You and your big, fat, red ass.

…You and your big, fat rear end.

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God bless us all, everyone. Regardless of what religion you are. Because, you know, they’re all complete bullshit. But apparently some of you were raised like animals and have to be frightened into behaving even a little, so we still have to pretend there’s a supreme being. And then quite a few of you, for fucksake, even use your faith, which is supposed to make you better, in the name of bigotry and violence. Jackasses. Well, at the very least, try to not murder anyone today, okay? Happy Holidays, Afflictor readers!

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Donald Trump, who stinks, believes it’s okay to falsely accuse others of failing at things he himself has actually failed at. Magazine editor Graydon Carter has pointed out Trump’s boorish, bigoted behavior at Spy and Vanity Fair, so Trump thought he would take a couple of potshots at him.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
How is @VanityFair editor Graydon Carter allowed to run bad food restaurant Beatrice Inn? Fire Graydon!

Afflictor: If there’s one thing Donald knows about, it’s bad food.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
@VanityFair looks like a dying magazine! Really really boring, really really thin!
 
Afflictor: If there’s another thing Donald knows about, it’s dying magazines.
 

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Of course, Donald Trump may just be stressed out these days because he’s so busy answering the many letters he receives from fans.
 
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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Thousands of fans have been sending letters to Trump Tower in anticipation of @CelebApprentice. Really good show.
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llll

Dear Donald, Whenever I watch Celebrity Apprentice, my anal hair becomes irritated. Please advise. Sincerely, Mr. Cuddles.

Dear Cuddles,

Listen, Cuddles, I’m sure there’s an ointment for that. Or perhaps you could shave your ass. Most of my fans are ass-shavers.

Any time I turn on Celebrity Apprentice rats commence to gnawing on my balls. William

My good man, Any time I turn on Celebrity Apprentice, rats commence to gnawing on my balls. Yours, William.

Dear Cuddles,

Willie, I would suggest you to pick up a bottle of Donald Trump Ball Spray for Men.

Available at Macy's and other

Available at Macy’s and other high-end dealers of ball spray.

Can I use it on my irritable ass hair?

Can I use it on my irritable ass hair?

Not unless you have balls in your ass.

Not unless you have balls in your ass.

Oh, I do!

Oh, I do!

My vagina gets sleepy whenever I watch

Dear Mr. Trump, My vagina gets sleepy whenever I watch Celebrity Apprentice. Can you help?

A lively snatch is important.

Perhaps you could visualize me waving money around to perk up your hoo haa. That seems to work with the women in my life. Or maybe it could be another business opportunity for me.

Available at Macy's and other

Donald Trump’s Snatch Spray for Women. Available at Macy’s and other fine dealers of ladypart squirts.

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Donald Trump: Stretching the truth and his belt.

Donald Trump, who once lost an argument to a soda machine, is neither bright nor honest. We know that he misuses words to suit his own needs. Recently he tweeted about Penn Jillette and used the word “begged.”

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

I let @pennjillette come back on the record 13th season of ‘All Star’@CelebApprentice after he relentlessly begged me to–good t.v.

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The actual conversation.

 

"Penn, I need you to be on "Celebrity Apprentice" again this year."

“Penn, I need you to be on Celebrity Apprentice again this year.”

"I'm going to be busy that month spraying my genitals with mace."

“I wish I could, but I’m going to be busy that month spraying my genitals with mace.”

"It's going to be a big season. You'll be competing against Phyllis Diller's bones and the bassist from Quiet Riot."."

“It’s going to be a big season. You’ll be competing against Phyllis Diller’s bones and the bassist from Quiet Riot.”

"But my blind penis won't be able to see any of it."

“But my blind penis won’t be able to see any of it.”

"If you agree to be on the show, I'll introduce you to some of the women from my beauty pageants."

“If you agree to be on the show, I’ll introduce you to some of the women from my beauty pageants.”

"But I'm married.."

“But I’m married with children.”

"Your point being?"

“Your point being?”

"Listen, your show is horrendous and you're horrendous, but I've got a book to sell, so okay."

“Listen, your show is horrendous and you’re horrendous, but I’ve got a new book to sell, so okay.”

"Stop begging, Penn."

“Stop begging, Penn.”

Buy Penn Jillette’s Everyday Is An Atheist Holiday at Amazon and all fine booksellers.

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Donald Trump: A dictionary couldn’t hurt.

When he’s not busy vomiting blood from his ass onto kittens until the kittens drown in his ass-blood, Donald Trump is misusing basic words from the English language. That’s because he’s arrogant, ignorant, completely lacking in self-awareness and unable to read anything longer than a quotation. Some examples.

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The Word: DISMAL

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Comic @sethmeyers21 bombed at University of Texas at Arlington—crowd was dismal as was his performance—I told you so!

Afflictor:

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 The Word: RECORD

 

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

Amazing – @CelebApprentice’s record 13th season is right on schedule. Must be the ‘All Star’ cast.

Afflictor: Other TV shows have been on for much longer than 13 years, so that’s not a record. Other reality shows have also had a longer run. So, Celebrity Apprentice has set a “record” for the most seasons of Celebrity Apprentice. Congratulations all around!

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 The Word: TOUGH

 

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

@nbcnightlynews (Brian Williams, anyone?) says women warriors are “every bit as tough as the guys.” Just think about that statement!

 Afflictor: It’s difficult to tell what dum-dum means here, but he seems to be saying that it’s foolish to believe female soldiers are as tough as their male counterparts. Considering Donald Trump’s history of sexism, that’s not a big leap to make. Anyone, male or female, who completes basic training and serves in Iraq or Afghanistan is tough as nails, not only physically but mentally as well. And every member of our military is far tougher than a bloated armchair general like Donald Trump, who likes to threaten other countries from the safety of his Twitter account, knowing he and his children will never have to defend the country. 

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The Word: PIGSTY

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Michael Forbes lives in a pigsty and bad liquor company Glenfiddich gave him Scot of the Year award…

Afflictor: I’m actually going to stand up for Donald Trump here. He does know what the word “pigsty” means. He knows when something stinks.

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The Word: HOT

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

When you’re “hot” the lowlifes really shoot at you… and they try hitting from every angle! Never let the bastards get you down.

Afflictor: For a second, the quotation marks gave me hope, but that’s just Donald Trump misusing punctuation. He actually thinks that being a racist buffoon who has devolved into a freak-show attraction makes him admired instead of sad and pathetic. If you take a dump on the sidewalk, people will look, but you probably shouldn’t be proud of the attention.

Joseph Stalin: I was hot, so people said stuff about me.

Pol Pot: My Q rating was through the roof. Others were jealous.

Idi Amin: I was on a roll. My fans know the truth.

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We sent in a forensic squad to recover Beefsteak Charlie’s sweaty golf shirt.

Precautions were taken.

We assigned our classiest scientists to the project.

Some brave souls were lost.

But at last…success!

Get Macy’s on the phone.

Some customers buy it by the gallon.

Now your husband smells great.

Did we get a cat?

Why does Daddy smell like a racist buffoon?

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Donald Trump: Stormy, foggy, inclement.

Donald Trump isn’t a climatologist, unless “climatologist” means “bag of diarrhea.” In that case, Donald Trump is a huge climatologist, perhaps the biggest climatologist in the country. I mention a weather-related term because Donald Trump is one of those special people unworried about climate change. He’s sure it doesn’t exist. No chance. Nothing to trouble yourself over. Every NASA scientist is wrong and Donald Trump is right. His opinion isn’t merely a failure of intellect. You see, Donald Trump lives in a delusional bubble that extends in many directions. For instance, in a recent tweet he explained to young people, many of whom who are saddled with student-loan debt and struggling in a difficult job market, how they can put their financial troubles behind them.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

With the economy still on a downward trajectory, the best investment young people can make now is buying property…

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And, you know, kids, it wouldn’t kill you if you had some gold on hand. So, Donald Trump is detached enough to not realize that most people haven’t enjoyed the advantages he has, with a developer father who gave him a big hand up in the world of real estate and helped him out when he needed it most. But, of course, as is usually the case with Donald, ignorance certainly plays a role. I mean, how dumb do you have to be to joke about our scary weather on November 7, in the days after Hurricane Sandy caused fatalities and massive property damage?

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

It’s freezing and snowing in New York–we need global warming!

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Of course, Donald Trump doesn’t think these statements are callous because he can prove climate change is fiction.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

From 1954 to 1960 there were 10 major hurricanes that hit the East Coast.

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Well, yes, there have always been hurricanes and all kinds of horrible weather, but that’s a shallow reading of the data, no better than when Trump was predicting that Mitt Romney would blow past President Obama in the polls in the last couple of weeks before the election. Why didn’t these hurricanes in the past cause the kind of flooding that this one did? Why were there deaths and wreckage in places that hadn’t seen such destruction in the history of recorded weather? It could be, perhaps, because the fucking water level is way fucking higher now because of fucking climate change. You know, the recorded fucking temperature has been warmer than fucking average every fucking month for fucking years and that causes the fucking ice (a fucking solid) to melt into fucking water (a fucking liquid). The possibility must, at least, be fucking considered.

Why don’t you scamps buy a townhouse or a parking garage?

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Penn Jillette: A juggler or something.


I’m always overjoyed whenever I see Penn Jillette, but I soon realize that Andre the Giant has not, in fact, been reincarnated, and I return to sitting shiva.

Penn has written a new book, Every Day Is An Atheist Holiday!, which is being published to coincide with the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor. This time he’s named names. Considering what a high-powered show-biz career Penn’s had, you know it’s going to be juicy. The following questions are sure, at last, to be answered: Which, if any, of the Flying Karamazov Brothers have had gonorrhea? Does Brother Theodore smell like cabbage or does cabbage smell like Brother Theodore? Is it true Al Goldstein broke his hip while falling off of Gloria Leonard at the Ben-Gurion Retirement Center? Wow, and that’s just the beginning! Randomly open this book to any page, begin reading and you’ll quickly suspect it was that quiet fuck Teller who had all the brilliant ideas.

Penn also spills about his faux TV boss, Donald Trump, a bigoted, orange-headed buffoon who hasn’t been told the truth about himself very often. Apparently, Trump is upset that some blogs repeatedly ridicule him. From the New York Daily News:

The magician calls Trump’s boardroom behavior “free-form rants in front of a captive audience,” where the billionaire would whine “about articles written about him and defend himself against charges made, as far as I could tell, by random bloggers with a few hundred hits. Attacks that could have no impact on his life at all. It sounded like this cat was Googling himself, being bugged by what was written, and then defending himself to people who were trying to improve their careers by playing a TV game with him.”•

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Donald Trump: The shrimp scampi is divine.

Do you know who is better looking than Donald Trump? All the women whose looks the bovine builder mocks. Women like Katy Perry and Arianna Huffington and Kristen Stewart and Sarah Jessica Parker. The latter was recently ridiculed as “unsexy” by Trump because she thought little of the stupid and racist stunt whereby he offered $5 million if the President would release his brith certificate and college grades.

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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

Sarah Jessica Parker voted “unsexiest woman alive” – I agree. She said “it’s beneath me to comment on the potential Obama charitable gift.” What’s really beneath her?

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Of course, Parker is a very attractive person, unlike the hideous hotelier. But deeply ugly rich men, if they’re also very sexist, think their money gives them the right to insult the appearance of women even though they themselves are unsightly. What’s ugliest about Donald Trump, of course, is his abject bigotry and racism. And no amount of orange tanning cream can cover up that kind of mess.

But do you know what else was recently very ugly? The kitchen at DJT, Donald Trump’s Las Vegas steakhouse. It was closed for awhile this week because of a reported 51 health-code violations, which according to Forbes included the following:

  • no measures utilized to destroy parasites in undercooked halibut
  • the presence of expired yogurt
  • month-old caviar
  • duck dating back to June 
  • two-week-old tomato sauce
  • expired peanut dressing
  • an improperly functioning freezer

So, what exactly was on the menu at Donnie’s Vegas steakhouse this week?

The pasta primavera sure was tempting.

That green salad looked mighty good.

And let’s not forget the sirloin.

My compliments to the chef.

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Donald Trump: The best argument yet for steep inheritance taxes.

In addition to being an unsightly, orange-headed goof who ridicules the looks of attractive women, Donald Trump is unintelligent, bigoted and delusional. A couple of examples. 

Cher recently poked fun at the racist, sexist buffoon, so he tweeted about her.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonalTrump

.@cher should spend more time focusing on her family and dying career!

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

.@cher–I don’t wear a “rug”—it’s mine. And I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn’t work.

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Hmm, what could “focusing on her family” mean? It would seem to be a potshot at Chaz Bono who was born female and had sexual-reassignment surgery. As if Chaz is transgender because of some failing of Cher as a mother. As if anyone who doesn’t fit into the so-called mainstream is somehow less of a person, an occasion to point fingers at a “culprit.” My assumption is that Chaz is more of a man that Donald Trump will ever be. And Donald Trump shouldn’t make make fun of anyone’s cosmetic surgeries. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one in his family with large, natural tits.

But Donald Trump isn’t only delusional about celebrity Twitter feuds. He also thinks he’s bright enough to fool someone about his campaign of bigotry against our first African-American President.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Why do so many people say I hate President Obama—I don’t hate the President at all. I just disagree with his policies!

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But, of course, no one is buying this bullshit. Demanding that the President provide his birth certificate (after he already had) is the Birther’s racist way of disqualifying Obama, saying that he is “other” and not “one of us.” It had nothing to do with policy. Repeatedly ordering Obama to release his school transcripts has nothing to do with policy. It’s a means to suggest that the President got where he is not by effort, talent and intelligence but because of Affirmative Action. It’s meant to demean him and diminish anyone African-American who achieves. (Donald Trump, who inherited money, land and connections from his father, is actually the one who received a head start in life that he didn’t deserve.) And saying that the President is “not smart” has nothing to do with policy.

Donald Trump pretending his hateful attacks on the President are about “policy” is just him trying to backtrack from his disgraceful behavior not because of remorse but because of expediency. He should not be allowed to do so.

John Wilkes Booth: Why, I didn’t hate President Lincoln at all. We just debated in a theater balcony once.

Leon Czolgosz: There was no dispute with President McKinley. I merely playfully rubbed his belly with my gun.

Squeaky: President Ford and I were tight. We were just horsing around.

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Donald: AIDS charities just a pawn in the game.

Since Donald Trump made an insulting challenge to the President to reveal his passport and college records in return for a donation to charity, we thought it was okay to make such an offer to Trump.

Here goes: There’s a sick boy who can’t walk, and we know how to make him healthy again. If you agree to our proposal, we will help him. If not, we’ll take him to a cliff and push him off. It’s up to you. We also know the cure for AIDS and cancer and we will share them, but only if you do what we say.

What we want is the following: 1) Reveal the documents showing how much money, land and contacts your father handed over to a “self-made man” such as yourself. 2) Explain how much he helped bail you out when you nearly blew all these advantages. 3) Perform oral sex on a racehorse.

The last condition is really important. That horse penis is not going to suck itself. If you accept our humiliating offer, a child will walk again and many sick people will be well. If you don’t do what we say, we have to question your sense of charity.

You might be asking, why wouldn’t they just help sick people if they can? It wouldn’t change their lifestyle at all. Why do they have to denigrate someone else in order to perform a kind act? What kind of people attach embarrassing conditions to good works?

Frankly, we’re puzzled that you can ask so many questions with that horse cock in your mouth. But we understand your point. Anyone who would behave this way, who would so desperately want to reduce others is a hugely unhappy person who realizes down deep how awful they are and feels lonely in that awfulness. Such a person would want to drag other people down to that level, especially a person who is accomplished and dignified.

Think about it, dum-dum. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. A lot of people now know what a racist buffoon you are, so it would be very good publicity for you to help a sick child. It would kind of be like Babe Ruth visiting an ailing kid in the hospital and promising to hit him a home run. You know, if Babe Ruth gargled with horse jizz. We await your decision.•

Jimmy: Please suck off that pony, Mr. Trump.

Butterscotch: Hung like a fire hydrant.

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Donald: I like her tits to be even bigger than mine.

Donald Trump is a deeply hideous man, but he thinks he should be judging women’s looks. It’s a weird control thing. Because no attractive woman would ever be near him if money wasn’t involved, he’s purchased beauty pageants. This puts beautiful women in the subservient position of vying for the approval of an ugly man. He also uses his Twitter account to disparage the looks of women from Arianna Huffington to Katy Perry to Kristen Stewart, all of whom are far better looking than he is. He think he needs to let these women know that they don’t meet his high standards. 

Because he’s a racist as well as a sexist, Trump believes that African-Americans (“the blacks,” as he likes to call them) also need to sit for his judgment. He likes to project his very real and disgraceful racism on others.

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Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump

NBC Wall St Journal Poll of African American voters: 94% @BarackObama, 0%@MittRomney.Even worse than Hillary’s old numbers. Is that racism?

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Of course if the election were, say, Herman Cain versus Hilary Clinton, what are the odds that Cain would enjoy the same support that Obama does? No chance at all. Something apart from race must be in play then. Of course, such reasoning gets lost in arrogance and ugliness.

We asked impartial women to rate Ben Hoagie’s looks.

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Donald: Will fire you but you better not quit.

Donald Trump hasn’t been told the truth very often in his life. He won’t allow it. He demands utter loyalty even when he is utterly wrong. And without honest feedback from those around him, his behavior hasn’t been held in check. He’s become a classless disgrace, someone willing to profiteer from racism, a bigoted Birther. He makes a target of the first African-American President not on political terms but on racial ones. In doing so, he mocks the very people who have historically had the rawest deal in our nation.

It’s funny that you never hear any of his children criticizing their father. Could it be possible that every one of them is also a racist buffoon? Not likely. So why don’t they, regardless of whom they support in the upcoming election, distance themselves publicly from their father’s racism? Why don’t they scold dad? It’s likely because they’re not permitted to. Like most deeply vengeful people, Donald Trump is frightened and insecure. He will lash out and dismiss those he feels have crossed him. He can accept no dissent.

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Donald J. Trump
Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
When an employee leaves me and begs to come back–I never let them. Loyalty is very important.

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Donald Trump is part of an executive overclass who thinks employees owe him complete fealty. His catchphrase which he delivers with relish is “You’re fired,” but he doesn’t feel employees should have free will. The Washington Nationals shut down their brilliant young pitcher Steven Strasburg before the playoffs because he was coming off surgery and they were afraid he would get hurt. It’s a debatable decision, but it wasn’t made merely for Strasburg’s well-being. The team has him contracted for several more seasons and wants him to be healthy.

But Donald Trump will have none of it. When Strasburg becomes a free agent in a few years, he will be “disloyal” to the team. You know, by making the best financial decision for his life and family. Trump doesn’t like it when employees benefit from a free-market economy, only owners. He thinks Washington should have worked the potentially “disloyal” player into the ground.

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Donald J. Trump
Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
When Strasburg leaves in a couple of years under free agency Washington will say “what were we doing”.

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You will not likely declare undying loyalty to wealthy people like Donald Trump? You will not put their interests above your own? Then you should be used and abused before they discard you.

Ivana: You were very loyal to me, Donald.

Marla.

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Donald Trump: Comcast’s resident racist.

Donald Trump, a walking dunce cap with a distended belly, thinks he’s fooling someone. In addition to his usual Birther garbage, Trump enjoys insinuating that our first African-American President only could have risen to such heights with the aid of Affirmative Action, that he was incapable of success without handouts from white people. He derides President Obama’s distinguished education as being likely the largesse of white benefactors, not an achievement borne of talent and effort. He insists that President Obama release his college application and transcripts. Curious that he never asked for the college paperwork from any previous President, including George W. Bush, who, even by his own admission, was an unserious student who got into Yale, the school his father attended. I suppose if you’re rich, it’s not considered a handout.

A person who was given advantages he didn’t deserve was Trump himself, who inherited family wealth and connections. And even then the dum-dum nearly blew it. Trump likes to think of himself as a “job creator” and a “leader,” but without the material advantages handed him by his daddy, he would have been another mediocre middle manager with a massive ego being sent to Human Resources due to his lousy deportment.

Because Trump doesn’t realize that he’s a gigantic buffoon and that his bullshit is transparent, he thinks that if he sends out a few complimentary tweets about other African-Americans, his bigoted assaults on the President won’t reveal him to be the huge racist he is.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Glad to hear that @RobinRoberts is doing well. She is a terrific person.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

If Obama mentions Mitt’s tax returns in tomorrow’s debate then Mitt should immediately ask for Obama’s college records & applications

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Congrats to @Yankees on finishing 1st in the AL East. Derek Jeter is great–good luck in the playoffs!

Marla Maples: Divorce-related cartwheels.

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Donald Trump: Every now and then I like to shit out some class.

Donald Trump is an unintelligent buffoon who inherited riches, land and connections from his father, but likes to pretend he’s a self-made man who possesses wisdom about wealth creation. Amid tweets in which he accuses President Obama of racism, incompetence, secretly being a Kenyan and receiving poor grades in college, he thought he’d throw a bouquet to the First Couple on the occasion of their wedding anniversary, as if that would make someone believe he’s anything but a contemptible sack of trash.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrumpCongratulations to Michelle and Barack Obama on their 20th anniversary.

Save me a piece of anniversary cake or I’ll poison Bo.

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Donald Trump: Money really can’t buy happiness.

Donald Trump, that huge d-bag, tweeted about a speech he recently gave at the Christian Liberty University, which was apparently drawn to him for his experience with divorce, gambling and bigotry. Trump, who appears to favor an Old Testament retributive God, had this advice for young Christians:

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

…One point I made sure to stress at @LibertyU is to be sure to get even with anyone who crosses you…

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

…Never let yourself be pushed around–but treat the good folks great.

 

JC: Fuck ’em up good, Donnie.

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Oy gevalt!

Publishing a blog or having a Twitter account means everything is first-draft theater and everyone is writing quickly and makes typos. I make them all the time on this site. But I don’t think the mistake in the following Donald Trump tweet was a typo.

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Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump

Weakness, cow towing and not standing firm is provocative. We are getting pushed around and robbed under this President.

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Like I said, I don’t believe this is a typo. I think Trump really has thought all his life that it’s “cow towing” instead of “kowtowing.” He’s read so little that he’s never realized his mistake. He thinks the word has something to do with cattle. The man is an imbecile.

Donald Trump: Moo!

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