David Letterman

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The wonderful New York Times culture reporter Dave Itzkoff has a brief interview with David Letterman, in which the retired talk-show host shares how he would have handled a Donald Trump interview during this Baba Booey of an election season. The thing is, Letterman had ample opportunity to address Trump’s descent into utter bigotry and failed miserably.

Like many of us, Letterman watched in horror as Trump used his Birther bullshit to try to disqualify the first African-American President as being “not one of us.” Justifiably, the talking head labeled his frequent guest a “racist.” So far, so good. For some reason, the host later backtracked and apologized on-air to the hideous hotelier for the accurate assessment, pretty much groveling in the process. It was a shocking and disappointing reversal for someone who built his career on cutting through the bullshit. Now that it’s far too late, Letterman has a plan.

From Itzkoff:

Question:

Jimmy Fallon seemed to try a different approach, by not even addressing Trump’s controversies, and it got a negative reaction. How would you handle Trump as a guest now?

Donald Trump:

If I had a show, I would have gone right after him. I would have said something like, “Hey, nice to see you. Now, let me ask you: what gives you the right to make fun of a human who is less fortunate, physically, than you are?” And maybe that’s where it would have ended. Because I don’t know anything about politics. I don’t know anything about trade agreements. I don’t know anything about China devaluing the yuan. But if you see somebody who’s not behaving like any other human you’ve known, that means something. They need an appointment with a psychiatrist. They need a diagnosis and they need a prescription.•

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Elaine Stritch, who was a corker and also a wang dang doodle, sadly just passed away. Here she is excoriating David Letterman in 1996, just about a decade before 30 Rock provided her with an amazing late-career TV role. Fucking Colleen.

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The thing that always strikes me first when I go to Los Angeles is that the homeless guys there dress like apostles. In New York, they’re secular. Fran Lebowitz, in 1983, shared other observations about California cities with David Letterman.

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As David Letterman heads into the victory lap of his TV career, I think back on Brother Theodore, one of my favorite guests during the host’s early great years, when the brilliant tandem Steve O’Donnell and Merrill Markoe were working their magic behind the scenes. Theodore had previously guested on many other talk shows–Merv Griffin gave him the “Brother” moniker because of a collared shirt the performer wore–but it was with Letterman that the stand-up tragedian left his most indelible impression.

If the mad monologist Theodore Gottlieb’s biography was true, he a had enough drama for ten people: a prisoner of the Dachau concentration camp, a chess hustler in Switzerland, a friend of Albert Einstein (who reportedly was his mother’s lover) and a stage performer unlike all others in New York. He passed away at 94 in 2001.

 

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It kind of appalls me that as a kid I didn’t really recognize how mean David Letterman was at the time. Hilarious and brilliant, sure, but oh so cruel. It just didn’t register with me. Now I cringe. Here he is in 1992 having fun at the expense of novelist Tama Janowitz, who was having her last moment as a very public writer.

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Grace Hopper who hated bugs and was wittier than Letterman, was one of the true pioneers in modern computing. A TV appearance from 1986, a couple of months after her involuntary retirement from the Navy.

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I don’t pay attention to a lot of celebrity news, but I believe a new book recently revealed that Johnny Carson used to do the Tonight Show monologue with a loaded gun stashed in his underpants. Good for him. In 1994, Johnny, now in retirement and a little heavier, made a wordless appearance with David Letterman (after a brief Larry “Bud” Melman fake-out). Carson would never turn up again on television, falling into a complete silence. Letterman still gave a crap at this point. I always try to pinpoint when he exactly stopped caring, and I think it was 1998 or thereabouts. Still a great interviewer, though.

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Francis Ford Coppola, in 1982, taking a break from casting The Outsiders to speak with David Letterman about the torturous release of One from the Heart.

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From David Letterman’s short-lived 1980 morning show, a bizarre appearance by Steve Martin, back when both comedians actually gave a crap. Back when the whole country gave a crap.

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Hunter S. Thompson brought a rifle with him on a commercial flight to New York when visiting David Letterman in 1988. Such an innocent time.

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David Letterman meets legendary advertising Mad Man, David Ogilvy, 1983.

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Max Headroom was a computer-generated talking head who existed only on television, and I suspect the same is true of Charlie Rose. From 1986:

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Before bringing his antics to David Letterman’s late-night show, Andy Kaufman made audiences squirm at the host’s short-lived morning program in 1980.

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Pre-fame David Letterman on some sort of local Los Angeles TV show.

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Dane Cook: I didn't make the list, did I? (Image by Lindsey8417.)

I just read Bill Simmons’ latest Mailbag on ESPN, and he veers off into one of his patented brilliant-idiot tangents about comedy. The sports and pop culture enthusiast offers up a year-by-year list, starting in 1975, of the Funniest Person Alive. The caveat is that he only gives the title to comics who have broken through to the mainstream rather than cult favorites (e.g. Bill Hicks, Mitch Hedberg, etc.). You can have a look at the whole list here (scroll down a little more than halfway in the column to find it). An excerpt of 1975-1985:

1975: Richard Pryor

Best stand-up comedian alive (and the most respected). Also crushed his only SNL hosting gig ever with its first legitimately great show and water cooler sketch.

1976: Chevy Chase

SNL‘s first breakout star as it became a national phenomenon. He also made the worst move in Funniest Guy history by leaving the show as he was wrapping up his Funniest Guy season. Even The Decision was a better idea.

1977-78: John Belushi

Replaced Chase as SNL‘s meal ticket in ’77, then had the single best year in Funny Guy History a year later: starred on SNL (in its biggest year ever, when audiences climbed to more than 30 million per episode); starred in Animal House (the No. 1 comedy of 1978 and a first-ballot Hall of Famer); had the No. 1 album (the Blues Brothers’ first album). No. 1 in TV, movies and music at the same time? I’m almost positive this will never happen again. And also, if you put all the funniest people ever at the funniest points of their lives in one room, I think he’d be the alpha dog thanks to force of personality. So there’s that.

1979: Robin Williams, Steve Martin (tie)

Mork and Mindy plus a big stand-up career for Williams; The Jerk plus a best-selling comedy album plus ‘official best SNL host ever’ status for Martin.

Rodney Dangerfield: If you give me respect, that ruins my act, genius. (Image by Jim Accordino.)

1980: Rodney Dangerfield

His breakout year with Caddyshack, killer stand-up, killer Carson appearances, a Grammy-winning comedy album, even a Rolling Stone cover. Our oldest winner.

1981: Bill Murray

Carried Stripes one year after Caddyshack. Tough year for comedy with cocaine was ruining nearly everybody at this point.

1982-84: Eddie Murphy

The best three-year run anyone has had. Like Bird’s three straight MVPs. And by the way, Beverly Hills Cop is still the No. 1 comedy of all time if you use adjusted gross numbers.

(Random note: Sam Kinison’s 1984 spot on Dangerfield’s Young Comedians special has to be commemorated in some way. At the time, it was the funniest six minutes that had ever happened, and it could have single-handedly won him the title in almost any other year. It’s also the hardest I have ever laughed without drugs being involved. Sadly, I can’t link to it because of the language and because it crosses about 35 lines of decency. But it’s easily found, if you catch my drift.)

1985-86: David Letterman

Went from ‘cult hero’ to ‘established mainstream star,’ ushered in the Ironic Comedy Era, pushed the comedy envelope as far as it could go, and if you want to dig deeper, supplanted Carson as the den father for that generation of up-and-comers and new superstars (Murphy, Leno, Seinfeld, Michael Keaton, Tom Hanks, Howard Stern, etc.) … and, on a personal note, had a bigger influence on me than anyone other than my parents. One of two people I could never meet because I would crumble like a crumb cake. (You can guess the other.)”

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Why was I was tougher on vapid but harmless Paris Hilton than on a nutjob leader of the Tea Party? (Image by Rubenstein.)

  • Glenn Beck has made me very introspective.”
  • “My hero is Jim DeMint.”
  • “What I’ve seen of Sarah Palin I’ve been impressed with.”
  • “Obama has spent a lot of money to cover up his documentation.”
  • “[America] demonizes business.”
  • “The [Iraqi] leader was a weapon of mass destruction.”
  • “Aren’t most of Obama’s actions unconstitutional?”
  • “I don’t see us being the ones to start [a Civil War], but I would give up my life for my country.”
  • “Peaceful means are the best way of going about it. But sometimes you are not given a choice.”
  • “I’m a pacifist.”

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My chin grows when I lie.

Jay Leno is probably no more insincere and greedy than anyone else in show business. But he tries so hard to prove he’s a solid working-class American who’s above the fray that he comes across as passive-aggressive and manipulative. His recent speech about the late-night talk show wars is a good example of his bullshit. The following is a decoded version of the least-honest moments of Leno’s address.

Jay Leno: I said, Well, I’ve been No. 1 for 12 years. They said, We know that, but we don’t think you can sustain that. I said, Okay. How about until I fall to No. 2, then you fire me? No, we made this decision.

Decoder: I actually hadn’t been number one for all 12 years. I struggled mightily during my first couple of years. Thankfully, Johnny Carson wasn’t hovering over me every second, campaigning to get his job back. Especially since he was pushed out of the job in favor of me while he was still number one in the ratings.

Jay Leno: Don’t blame Conan O’Brien. Nice guy, good family guy, great guy.

Decoder: I’m the one everyone is blaming, so I am going to pivot and pretend Conan is somehow the object of scorn. Then I will absolve him of the fictional blame to make myself look magnanimous. Also: I am the kind of solid American who can judge the family values of others. Didn’t you notice my American flag lapel pin?

Jay Leno: I said, All right, can I keep my staff? There are 175 people that work here.

Decoder: It’s not about my ego. It’s about me keeping my staff employed during these difficult economic times. I am very thoughtful that way.

Jay Leno: Conan’s show during the summer…we’re not on…was not doing well.

Decoder: My historically poor lead-in is not responsible for Conan trailing David Letterman. I also trailed Letterman during my first couple of years as Tonight Show host, so I speak from experience.

Jay Leno: They said, Well, look, how about you do a half-hour show at 11:30? Now, where I come from, when your boss gives you a job and you don’t do it, well…

Decoder: I am just a working stiff like Joe Lunchpail. A working stiff with hundreds of millions of dollars and hundreds of vintage cars, but I’ve still got to punch the clock and support my wife because I’m a good family man.

Jay Leno: I said okay. Shake hands, that’s it. I don’t have a manager, I don’t have an agent, that’s my handshake deal.

Decoder: I’m a regular guy like you, not one off these show biz phonies with managers and agents. At one point, I did have a manager and she worked tirelessly to get Carson pushed out of the Tonight Show so I could have the job, even though Johnny was number one in the ratings.

Jay Leno: Yeah, I’ll take the show back. If that’s what he wants to do. This way, we keep our people working, fine.

Decoder: Again, it’s about my staff keeping their jobs, not about my ambitions.

Jay Leno: But through all of this, Conan O’Brien has been a gentleman. He’s a good guy. I have no animosity towards him.

Decoder: In a couple of days, I will make a joke about what an overrated millionaire Conan is. He’s not a working class hero like me.

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I need the "Tonight Show" job to support my wife and chin.

In 2004, Jay Leno announced he would be stepping aside as Tonight Show host in favor of Conan O’Brien: “When I signed my new contract,” Leno said in a press release, “I felt that the timing was right to plan for my successor, and there is no one more qualified than Conan.” He discussed it further on the show, saying he didn’t want there to be an unpleasant transition like there was when he and David Letterman ended their longtime friendship over the awkward struggle to replace Johnny Carson.

When the time came for the baton to be passed, however, Leno was less sanguine about the transfer of late-night power. He still dominated Letterman in the ratings and didn’t want to abdicate the throne. Leno could have done several things. He could have refused the initial overtures in 2004 to step down from his post while he was still on top. He could have gone to another network in 2009 and beaten NBC at its own game. Or he could have tried to do a 10pm show the way he did.

But one thing he shouldn’t have done was to openly campaign to replace Conan just five months after O’Brien took over the Tonight Show. But that’s exactly what Leno did, in passive-aggressive mode, in a November 2 interview with Broadcasting & Cable. An excerpt:

“B&C: Do you want to go back to 11:35?

Jay Leno: If it were offered to me, would I take it? If that’s what they wanted to do, sure. That would be fine if they wanted to.”

During this whole public fiasco, Leno has maintained that no show has ever been cancelled when it was rated number one like his Tonight Show was. Actually it has happened before. It was in 1992, when Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show, which was rated number one, was cancelled when Leno’s manager got NBC brass to push Carson out of the job. Leno, eternally innocent, knew nothing about these machinations. He decided to not immediately relinquish the host’s chair when he found out about the back-room dealings. And even though Leno struggled mightily both creatively and ratings-wise at first, Carson never campaigned to get his job back.

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