Snooki: Judge threw the book at her. She didn't read it. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

That fucking idiot Snooki received a surprisingly harsh sentence today in her disorderly conduct case when the Judge ordered that she be executed by drowning on the beach at Seaside Heights on Christmas Day. It’s going to be really freezing when she sinks into the ocean and the life drains from her body.

The moron has no idea what the sentence means. When she heard the verdict, she was piss drunk and had just hit her head on the ceiling of a tanning bed. She thinks it may have something to do with drowning as many cocktails as she can. The one positive is that she probably won’t even know what is happening as the executioner leads her into the water in front of a large crowd of gawking slobs.

Local Seaside Heights merchants are thrilled about the forthcoming holy day execution because they thought Labor Day would be the last time this year they’d profit from the disgusting behavior displayed on Jersey Shore. Originally, they were angered that their town was depicted in such a disgraceful way, but once everyone starting making money, the moral outrage quickly subsided.

Executioner's hood is no protection from Bon Jovi music. (Image by Piotrus.)

But no one is more thrilled about the drowning than MTV and its parent company Viacom. They’re going to broadcast the killing live and think they can sell ads at several times the usual price–maybe even at Super Bowl rates! A colorful assortment of derelicts will be on hand to drink gasoline during the pre-game show. And Bon Jovi is going to perform at halftime. They’ll do that song they do about the working-class couple with the dreams.

After Snooki sinks and dies, a crane is going to lift her bloated corpse from the water so that her body can be stuffed by a taxidermist. If you want to have a look at the stuffed Snooki, it’s going to cost you a quarter. But having sex with her remains will run you fifty cents. In a heartwarming twist, Viacom has promised that part of the proceeds from the necrophilia will go toward rebuilding the town dump.

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