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We love you, Puddles, but you have a problem.

We love you, Puddles, but you need to get help.

I can stop anytime I want to.

I can stop drinking anytime I want to.

You're a friggin' mess, Puddles.

You’re a friggin’ mess, Puddles.

Youre not even a real doctor.

You’re not even a real doctor.

You're liver is diseased, Puddles. You will die if you don;t stop drinking.

But I am. Your liver is diseased. Quit drinking or you’ll die.

My name is Puddles, and I’m an alcoholic.

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  • When Men Try To Draw Vaginas
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  • ‘Don’t Jerk And Drive’ Campaign Pulled
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  • City Puts Subway Rats On Birth Control

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  • Young Mom Eats Toilet Paper Every Day
  • Whoopi Goldberg Lets One Rip On ‘The View,’ Proves You Shouldn’t Mess With Breakfast Burritos
  • 6 Wild Things People Used To Believe About Vaginas
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  • Snake Thrown At Tim Hortons Employee For Reason
  • ‘Comfyballs’ Underwear Denied Trademark Because ‘Balls’
  • Why Are We So Scared Of Nipples?
  • Princess Sentenced For Cockfighting

Santa: poll taxes, McMansions, corporate welfare.


You probably had a hectic Black Friday and so did Santa Claus. He was busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates.

But don’t think Santa is giving your asshole children those toys for free. You’ll pay retail. You see, Santa has been working with Goldman Sachs to prepare Christmas Inc. for an IPO. He wants Bezos money. In fact, the big guy has gone right-wing like David Mamet and his interests now include making wealth inequality worse and spending like a Koch brother to prevent Obama from winning a third term. (Yeah, I know, but don’t tell him.)

Santa’s actually feeling pretty good these days. Thanks to those occasionally useful Tea Party dipshits, conservatives now run the House and Senate and are only a Mitt Romney Presidency from making America a corporatocracy. Santa is very happy that Romney is considering running again in 2016, though he thinks ol’ Mitt should probably keep his creepy-eyed kid in the attic until all the votes have been counted.

You don’t like Santa’s vision? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!

When Father becomes emperor, all the squirrels shall be my minions.

When Father becomes Emperor, all the squirrels shall be my minions.

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  • Famous 2-Faced Cat Dies At 15
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  • The Following Sex Acts Are Now Banned From British Porn
  • Nebraska Player Kills Raccoon After ‘Selfie Gone Completely Wrong’
  • Chocolate-Scented Farts

Obama Address The National Prayer Breakfast




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  • Your Cat May Be Trying To Kill You

That pardon isn't for free. We need you to work with us.

That pardon isn’t for free. We need you to work with us.

President Obama continued a Thanksgiving tradition today when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the pardons, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word leaked that they’d flipped, so they had to be taken out. You know how it is when you go against the family, boys. It’s nothing personal, only business.

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and you died like it.

Paulie (2014-2014).

Frankie (2014-2014).

America (1776-2014).

America (1776-2014).

I promise I’ll never re-watch Goodfellas during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay, except for most types of white-collar crime.

And a special thanks to everyone helping to prepare my vegan Thanksgiving dinner...

And thanks to everyone who prepared my vegan Thanksgiving dinner…

...and dessert. Delicious!

…and dessert. Delicious!

Happy Thanksgiving, American Afflictor readers!

Happy Thanksgiving, U.S. Afflictor readers!

  • Pat Robertson: God Is Totally Cool With Speeding
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  • Man Discovers His Headaches Were Caused By A Worm Living In His Brain
  • Everyone Poops. Even Santa.
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  • Men And Their Sex Dolls Exposed In New Photo Series (NSFW)
  • Man Dismembered Dad, Used Boxed Body Parts As TV Stand
  • This Man Says He Is A Platypus
  • ‘Today’ Hosts Undergo Testicular Exam On Live TV

  • Exorcism Caught On Video… At A Starbucks?!?
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  • Toilets In The Kitchen: Best Thing Ever?
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  • Dad Points Gun At Daughter During Game Of Battleship: Police
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  • Patti Smith Is Going To Rock The Vatican Christmas Concert

  • Mormon Church Reveals The Truth Behind ‘Magical Underwear’ In New Video
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Wow, St. Peter, that's some tan you've got.

Wow, St. Peter, that’s some tan you’ve got.

St. Peter?!? I mean, duh, I’m wearing horns.

And I'm wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is some piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

And I’m wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is a big piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

How so?

We class up the joint, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, European women who've "modeled," and my name in big letters everywhere.

We class it up, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, Eastern European models and my name in big gold letters everywhere.

That sounds hideous. It would actually make this place even worse. You’ve got a deal.

Great. But first we have to install some air conditioners. I'm burning up in this place.

Great. But first we need to install some air conditioners. I’m burning up.

Not happening, Hamburglar.



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  • Katy Perry Reportedly Picked To Play Super Bowl
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  • Woman Spends A Month In Jail After Cops Mistake SpaghettiOs For Meth
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  • Man Stabs 2 Veterinarians Over Dead Cat, Police Say
  • A Candid, Emotional Exploration Of Men’s Relationships With… Their Penises
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  • Dangerously Long Erection Sends Man To Hospital
  • Chef Dismembers, Cooks Girlfriend Before Killing Himself, Police Say
  • Terror Mega-Merger Looms?

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My fellow Americans, if you dipshits can stop beating the snot out of each other in elevators for five fucking minutes, I have something to say to you.

Should we have taken the stairs?

Okay. But just five minutes.

Five years ago, I took over the governance of a badly damaged country from an alcoholic who couldn't find oil in Texas.

In 2009, I took over the governance of a badly damaged country from an alcoholic who couldn’t find oil in Texas.

I painted kitty cats..

I painted kitty cats.

But nothing I do pleases you geniuses. Even Obamacare, which is a rousing success in every way, is hated by the very people who need it most.

But nothing I do pleases you geniuses. Even Obamacare, a rousing success by every measure, is hated by the very people who need it most.

Stay away, you death panels.

Stay away, you death panels.

I'jj get you the way I got Joan Rivers.

I’ll get you the way I got Joan Rivers.

Despite my best efforts, the world has gotten even dumber. I got rid of bin Laden and now they've got terrorists wiho wear Rolexes.

Despite my best efforts, the world has become even dumber. I waxed Osama bin Laden and now they’ve got terrorists who wear Rolexes.

The guys got it for me as a surprise. I mean, it was sweet.

The guys got it for me for my birthday. It was really thoughtful.

Eberyone chipped in. Except for Al-Bilawi, that cheapskate.

Everyone chipped in. Except for Al-Bilawi, that cheapskate.

I told you I left my wallet in my other flak jacket.

I told you I left my wallet in my other vest.

You rocket scientists want your crossing guards armed with howitzers.

Domestically, things are just as stupid. You rocket scientists want your crossing guards armed with howitzers.

Don't cross on yellow. DON'T CROSS ON YELLOW!

Don’t cross on yellow. DON’T CROSS ON YELLOW!

Ive added jobs for 46 straight months and you babies continue to whine.

I’ve added jobs for 55 straight months despite dealing with a do-nothing Congress, and you babies continue to whine.

My iPhone 5 isn’t good enough. I want the iPhone 6. Do something.

Even quality of the our celebrities having nude photos leaked has hit rock bottom.

Even the quality of our celebrities having nude photos leaked has hit rock bottom.

Now everyone will see my nipples.

Now everyone will see my nipples.

Im doing all the

I’m doing all the heavy lifting and all you derps care about is my tan suit.

It's un-Presidential!

That’s because it’s un-Presidential!

So I'm announcing my resignation.

So I’m announcing my resignation.

Yay! Now I get to be President!

Now I get to be President!

Wait for  it...

Wait for it…

I've determined it's best that I pre-resign as President and effect change in America in other ways. Mostly reality shows and family brawls in Costco parking lots.

I’ve determined it’s best I pre-resign from the Presidency and effect change in America in other ways. Mostly through reality shows and family brawls in Costco parking lots.

I've got to get out of here before Charles Barkley says something else really stupid.

I’ve got to get out of office before Charles Barkley says one more stupid thing.

All black folks beat their children with trees.

All black folks beat their children with trees.

Dumb motherfucker. You ready to roll, Michelle?

In closing, you trolls can go screw yourselves. Now you’ll get what you so richly deserve.

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Before I accept the challenge, I challenge Idi Amin's ghost, Charles Manson and Glenn Beck.

Before I pour ice water on myself, I challenge Idi Amin’s ghost, Charles Manson and Glenn Beck.

Ann Coulter, I accept your piss-bucket challenge.

Ann Coulter, I accept your Piss Bucket Challenge.

No, I said "ice bucket."

No, I said “Ice.”

I will now drench myself in my own urine.

I will now drench myself in my own urine.

It's the most warm, beautiful feeling.

It’s the most warm, beautiful feeling.

I would also liked to be doused by Idi Amin's urine.

I would also like to be soaked in Glenn Beck’s whiz.

Hands off my pee, Idi Amin's ghost.

Hands off my pee jug, Idi Amin’s ghost. It’s all mine.

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  • Tara Reid Made A Perfume Based Off Sharknado. Yep.
  • Soon We’ll All Be Having Sex With Robots, Maybe: Scientist

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  • This Is What Happens When Gay Men Are Asked To Draw Vaginas (NSFW)
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