Humor

You are currently browsing the archive for the Humor category.

Other Hate Crimes Mitt Romney Can Commit, In Addition To Forcibly Barbering Gay Teens

May 14, 2012 in Humor, Politics

Mitt Romney: Because towel-snapping just wasn't erotic enough. (Image by Jessica Rinaldi.)

It was reported last week that when Mitt Romney was eighteen (or close to it) he arranged the gang humiliation of a fellow student. The boy had longish blond hair and appeared to perhaps be gay. So Mitt Romney got some friends together and they pinned this boy down on the ground and cut his hair against his will. A lot of media people are dismissing the act, as if this square-headed robot from the 1950s pushed someone when he was 12 or called someone a bad name. HE COMMITTED A HATE CRIME! It was a criminal assault. You know those well-intentioned but misguided “It Gets Better” ads? The ones aimed at gay kids, promising them that eventually other people will stop punching them, instead of, say, being aimed at parents who are raising vicious creeps? Mitt Romney is the unseen thug in those ads beating up the kids for being different. Mitt Romney is very lucky he didn’t attack someone in a similar fashion today in Florida. They have this Stand Your Ground law which allows those being attacked to defend themselves with firearms. People in Florida are shot for doing much less than 18-year-old Romney did. Some of them are shot for no reason at all.

I’m sure other people who’ve became President committed hate crimes in their youths. Perhaps Millard Fillmore strangled a tranny prostitute for giving him tuberculosis. But at least we didn’t know about those histories. We know for sure that Mitt Romney, who could become our President, is a huge, bullying asshole.

But why should Mitt Romney’s hate crimes be limited to his youth? Here are some other ones he can commit now:

Murder the Entire City of Detroit: Oh wait, he already did that.

Converting a Guy to a Religion Against His Will: Oh wait, he already did that.

Not Giving a Crap About Very Poor People: Oh wait, he already did that.

Vice President Joe Biden: Accidentally outed an entire nation.

 • • • • • • • • • •

Other posts labeled “Humor” that seemed funny at the time:

  • Lady Gaga urinates on home plate at Yankee Stadium.

Tags: ,

Oh, Snap! Christmas Is Cancelled This Year.

December 23, 2011 in Fake, Humor

Santa Claus: Fuck you, 99%.

Word has arrived that there will be no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow Santa will see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney. If you’d worked harder, you’d be able to buy your own. If Santa drops by your house at all on Christmas, it will be to raise your credit card rates. But he’ll probably just go directly to Hooters and check out the tail. Occupy that, bitches.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

Nana (1935-2011)

Kris, checking out the local talent.

 • • • • • • • • • •

Happy holidays to all of you, no matter what bullshit religion or culture you subscribe to. They’re all stupid and none of it makes you any better than anyone else, so get over yourself. And if you’re the kind of twat who has some sort of personal sense of exceptionalism, if you believe that life is a perfect meritocracy and people get what they truly deserve, remember to stand under the mistletoe and bite yourself really hard. Oh, and a special “fuck you” to anyone who buys magazines that fetishize food when there are starving people in the world. I mean, you should be ashamed. Enjoy the holidays!

Pardoned Turkeys Murdered Gangland Style

November 22, 2011 in Fake, Humor

That pardon isn't for free, Paulie. We need you to work with us.

President Obama continued a Thanksgiving tradition today when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the pardons, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word got out that they’d become rats, so they had to be taken out. You went against the family, you bastards, and you deserved to die.

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and you died like it.

Paulie (2011-2011).

Frankie (2011-2011)

I promise that I will never rewatch "Goodfellas" during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn't pay. Except for most types of white-collar crime. Happy Thanksgiving, Afflictor readers!

Tags: , ,

Christmas Is Cancelled Sorta Early This Year

October 10, 2011 in Fake, Humor

Santa Claus: Wall Street fat cat.

Word has arrived already that there will be no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow he’ll see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney. Oh, and he’s raising your credit card rates, you filthbags.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

Nana (1935-2011)

Exclusive: Fred Wilpon Installing Tampon Machine In Mets Clubhouse

May 25, 2011 in Fake, Humor

Prevents spotting on Mets' uniforms. (Image by Shattonbury.)

Many people were surprised when embattled New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon mocked and ridiculed the star players on his self-described “shitty team” in a recent New Yorker article, but the formerly wealthy idiot is just getting started. In order to send an even sterner message to his loser club, Fred Wilpon has decided to install a tampon machine in the Mets clubhouse, letting his players know that he doesn’t believe that they truly are men and that, perhaps, they are able to menstruate. This is poor behavior for two reasons. First of all, it is sexist as many women are great athletes and being compared to a woman is not an insult. Secondly, cash-strapped Fred Wilpon is charging $3,000 per tampon in order to raise money for his Madoff legal defense fund.

David Wright: A visit from Aunt Flo. (Image by Wknight94.)

Fred Wilpon, a rich, dumb man who is no longer so rich but is as dumb as ever, is filled with rage for his ballplayers. Of course, he should be angry with himself for horribly mismanaging his baseball team and investing heavily in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. But that’s not Fred Wilpon’s way.

To show his disdain, Fred Wilpon has taken to using outfielder Carlos Beltran’s locker as a urinal. The well-dressed dummy sits in the owner’s box at games, pointing at his players and laughing derisively. When Mets players are about to catch the ball, Fred Wilpon blows a vuvuzela and calls their mothers “whores,” hoping to distract them so that they will make an error. When he sees players’ wives in the stands, Fred Wilpon gestures putting his index finger down his throat, suggesting that they are homely and make him want to vomit.

Fred Wilpon decided to make an example of beloved team mascot, Mr. Met. Calling the bulbous-headed figure a “disgusting bag of shit,” Fred Wilpon took away Mr. Met’s uniform and underwear, forcing him to parade around in the parking lot with his genitals exposed. Mr. Met has been ordered to squeegee for change and turn tricks in cars. He has developed Hep-C and a serious drinking problem.

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Fred Wilpon said the Mets may lose $70 million this year, that they are bleeding money. And there is no tampon big enough to stop that.

Mr. Met: Will use his mouth on you. (Image by Richiek.)

••••••••••

More Fake Stuff:

 

Tags: ,

Shocker: Donald Trump Shaves Bo The Dog, Burns Down White House

April 20, 2011 in Fake, Humor

Donald Trump: Using the Republican Party the same way he used Marla Maples. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

That orange-headed fuckface Donald Trump upped the ante early today in his fake run for the Presidency, bringing his ridiculous unilateral feud with President Obama directly to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Trump sneaked onto the lawn and took an electric razor to First Dog Bo, shaving profanities into his coat, and set fire to the White House, burning to the ground what the homely narcissist dubbed “that old, unclassy dump.”

“I can’t prove that Obama wasn’t born in America if I don’t desecrate his Portuguese Water Dog,” said Trump, as he stood near the charred remains of the Lincoln bedroom. “I’m a very smart man. I went to the best schools. I got very good grades. I know what I’m doing.”

Ted Williams: Happier when he lived in a ditch. (Image by Ethan0026.)

Because President Obama is aloof the way many Kenyans are, he ignored the fire and refused to confront his make-believe rival. That won’t stop Trump, though. He is going forward with a round of debates without Obama, hiring the homeless man with the golden voice Ted Williams as a suitable stand-in for the incumbent. The debate will be moderated by Trump’s fellow NBC celebrity, Guy Fieri, who is both stupid and useful.

Tracking polls are showing that Trump is already drawing strong support from gigantic assholes across the country. Now he can probably add to his constituency arsonists and people who own dogs with the word “cocksucker” etched into their back. Still, it won’t be easy to win the Republican nomination with strong competition from Sarah Palin, the other lady who’s even crazier than Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Haley Barbour and Brett Favre’s penis. They’re all equally qualified to run the country. But Republicans are just happy to have a candidate who makes Newt Gingrich look morally upstanding by comparison, even though Trump is actually more liberal than Obama on almost every issue.

For their part, NBC executives love the free publicity that Trump brought the network by burning down the White House, and are only disappointed that he didn’t also defecate into the lap of the Lincoln Memorial.

Guy Fieri: Breakfast burritos all day long. (Image by Eric Liesse.)

“Apprentice has nearly doubled its ratings from last season and is now averaging almost 8 million viewers an episode,” said one network exec, pulling his head out of his ass long enough to speak. “It’s one of the very few shows we have that is in the zeitgeist and gets those kinds of numbers. So, we certainly want him back. And we’d also like to develop a sitcom for that cocksucker dog.”

Trump is either using his fake Presidential run to boost his ratings and fame by being an even a bigger whore than usual, or perhaps he’s having a complete mental breakdown as the result of suddenly realizing that he’s spent his life renting wives and somehow losing money on casinos.

Whatever the reason, Trump has vowed that when he becomes President he will build a new White House, which won’t be white but gold, and he will install in each bedroom a slot machine and an Eastern European model who swallows. The new building, it can be sure, will look like a huge bag of shit.•

More Fake Stuff:

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Yeah, Christmas Is Sort Of Cancelled This Year

December 23, 2010 in Humor

Santa Claus: Nobody's bitch anymore. (Photo by Mathew Brady/ Levin Handy.)

There’s no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow he’ll see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney.

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention that Grandma passed? (Image by Sharon Pruitt.)

Tags:

Shocker: Times’ “Vows” Column This Week About Newlyweds Who Are Doing A Horse

December 23, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Back to the stable for more lovin'. (Image by Sebastian Pacquet.)

A firestorm of controversy raged throughout the blogosphere this week because the “Vows” column in Sunday’s New York Times focused on the wedding of a TV news reporter and a business executive who left their spouses to marry one another. Instead of quietly dealing with the painful fallout, the newlyweds decided for some bizarre, narcissistic reason that announcing the sordid details to the world would be good for their ex-spouses and school-age children.

Many people thought the newspaper erred in providing a platform for this taboo-busting twosome, but you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The Times is pushing the envelope but hard this weekend when they run a “Vows” column about another couple who left their spouses to get married and are now engaged in a three-way with a horse. Part Scarlet Letter and part Mr. Ed, the story is certainly complicated. The couple met Mr. Marbles when he caught the tossed bouquet at the wedding between his teeth. The bride was immediately struck by Mr. Marbles’ exuberance.

“He doesn’t walk in to a room,” she said. “He gallops in.”

Mr. Marbles: Wearing fuck-me hooves. (Image by Malcolm Morley.)

When they realized they wanted to have a three-way with a horse, the newlyweds said they remembered crying together. “Why are we being punished?” they wondered. “Why did someone throw him into our path when we can’t have him?” But then they immediately started fucking the horse anyway. This made them cry even more because horse cock is gigantic and can be painful when inserted into human orifices.

“I didn’t believe in the word ‘soulmate’ before, but now I do,” said the groom, as he sat gingerly, polishing his favorite saddle.

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” said the blushing, limping bride. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, and there will be hay everywhere.”

When asked why they felt it was important to tell the world of their relations with a horse, the couple said they wanted an honest account of how they entered into bestiality for their sake and their kids’ sakes.

If you don’t like it, I suggest you read some other paper. This isn’t your parents’ New York Times. Unless your parents are fucking a horse.

More Fake Stuff:

Shocker: Sarah Palin Murders, Effs A Caribou

December 7, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Uses guns to compensate for small penis. (Image by Therealbs.)

Just a couple of weeks after clubbing a fish to death on her reality TV show, Sarah Palin attempted to demonstrate her superiority over yet another species when she shot and murdered a caribou. If you’ve followed Sarah Palin closely, you can tell that she’s very insecure because the average member of the reindeer family is brighter than she is and more qualified to be President of the United States. In order to mask her fears, Sarah Palin uses firearms to demonstrate that she is a member of the superior race.

After needing just 43 shots to kill the caribou, Sarah Palin opened its chest with a bowie knife and drank some of its blood. She smeared the rest of the blood on her chest and face like war paint. Then she lowered her trousers and straddled the dead reindeer and violated it repeatedly.

In addition to her utter stupidity, another thing that bothers Sarah Palin is that she has a pretty small penis. I mean, it’s big for a woman, but it’s still not very big. While her ding-dong may be tiny, it’s still functional and worked fine as she humped the newly murdered deer. Bristol stood by and watched proudly as her mom penetrated the slaughtered animal, but she did not participate for fear that she would become pregnant with the child of a dead caribou.

Fuck you, Snowflake Jr. You're next. (Image by Keven Law.)

For her part, Sarah Palin tried to preempt any criticism she would receive about the episode with a post on her blog. “Unless you’ve never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather couch or eaten a piece of meat, save your condemnation of tonight’s episode,” she wrote. “I remain proudly intolerant of the hypocrisy of those who would oppose the fucking of dead livestock.”

After she was done doing the deed with the dead deer, Sarah Palin strutted around bottomless for a while and ordered her lackeys to tell her that her cock is very gigantic. Then she waved her johnson all around and took a leak in a pond to remind nature that it is her bitch. Sarah Palin hasn’t decided what kind of animal she wants to kill and fuck next, but it will probably be a lamb. Their meat tastes good and they’re kind of plush and sexy.

More Fake Stuff:

Tags: , ,

Shocker: The Pope Getting All Crunk And Nasty

November 21, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Pope Benedict XVI: Works blue. (Image by Rvin88.)

Many people were stunned to learn that Pope Benedict XVI justified condom use for male prostitutes with AIDS in a recent interview. It’s the first time the Vatican has ever acknowledged that there’s a circumstance when condoms are acceptable. Some pundits think this may be a sign that the Catholic Church is showing progress when it comes to sexuality, but based on some other statements he made, it seems that the Pope may have just been effed up like Charles Barkley during the Q&A. Here are some more comments from the Pope about other times it’s okay to use condoms:

When Boning Sarah Or Bristol:
“These two get pregnant if you sneeze on them. Even Octomom snickers. You might even want to double-bag it, or you could find yourself on the Levi Johnston Election Committee. And now that she’s constantly prancing around in the great outdoors pretending to like nature for the reality show cameras, Governor Snooki is especially horned up.”

Failed to teach dancing, abstinence. (Image by Christopher Grammer.)

When Fisting A Porn Star Outside Of Marriage:
“This is an instance where you need latex gloves instead of condoms, but we’re still talking rubber. Listen, if you marry the porn star, you can go raw fist. But if this is, say, a one-off thing at a Halloween party, you need to wrap that hand. I recommend Rubbermaid, but anything with a latex base will suffice.”

When Having Butt Sex With A Midget:
“If we’re talking, like, under four feet tall or something like that, then you need to use a lubed-up sack for comfort’s sake. I’m not suggesting that butthole size is completely determined by height, but let’s err on the side of caution in this matter.”

When Watching Tiger Woods Golf:
“You can’t be too careful. He’s like Caligula with a 3-iron.”

When Being Counseled By A Catholic Priest:
“Do you not read the papers?”

More Fake Stuff:

Tags: , , , ,

Exclusive: Charlie Sheen Attending Medical School, Aims To Become Renowned Pussy Doctor

November 13, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Yet to lose a patient. (Image by Angela George.)

Charlie Sheen held a press conference this weekend not to announce that he’s entering rehab but to reveal that he’s been attending a Los Angeles medical school, hoping to become one of America’s foremost pussy doctors.

“I’m not entirely abandoning show business,” announced an earnest, pantless and clearly inebriated Charlie Sheen, “but I can’t stress how important it is to me that I dedicate most of my time to treating pussy and pussy-related illnesses.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that the term for a doctor who treats women’s reproductive organs is actually “gynecologist,” the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

Most people are shocked that Charlie Sheen is still alive let alone attending medical school, but he’s clearly impressed his fellow students. He’s an unorthodox rebel who rails against the rigid, uncaring traditions of the medical establishment and has set up a free clinic for unwed mothers in a Malibu condo. He’s pretty much become the Patch Adams of pussy.

Healthy again, she can return to work. Thank you, Doctor Sheen. (Image by Tomas-Castelazo.)

Armed with only a speculum, a video camera and a bowl of cocaine, Sheen treats women as they gyrate around the stripper pole he’s installed in his examining room. He even throws in a free breast exam, though he hasn’t yet formally studied tit medicine.

Charlie Sheen’s rebellious streak isn’t only directed at the powers that be in the medical world but also at the gender politics that oppress women. He decries the inequality that females face in society.

“Because of the sick, misogynistic world we live in,” Charlie Sheen said, “all women are forced to become either porn stars or prostitutes. And those professions can be particularly tough on the pussy.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that all women are not in fact either porn stars or prostitutes, the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

More Fake Entertainment News:

Tags:

I Had A One-Night Stand With Meg Whitman

October 29, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Meg Whitman: More carpet than drapes. (Image by Erik "HASH" Hersman.)

Gawker recently posted an account by a Philadelphia man who says he had a one-night stand with Delaware Senate hopeful Christine O’Donnell, but this is a different story. Three years ago this week, a drunk-on-power Meg Whitman showed up at the apartment of a 25-year-old Sacramentan and ended up spending the night in his bed. Here’s his story of his escapade with the would-be California Governor.

_________________________

I barely knew Meg when she turned up at my door at around eight o’clock on the night of Halloween. I had met her once in the parking lot of a Costco, when she was looking for laborers. Yet there she was standing outside my door with her two asshole sons. And she was kind of tipsy. Not tipsy on alcohol, but drunk on power the way miserable former CEOs get when they think for some ridiculous reason that they should be Governor of the largest state in America.

She asked if she and her creepy spawn could change into their costumes in the bathroom of my apartment. They had a Halloween party to go to. I thought it was an odd request from someone I barely knew, but my judgement is so fucking awful that I allowed it. Soon, Meg was sitting on my couch in the holiday spirit, dressed as a ball-peen hammer. One of her sons was dressed as an alleged rapist and the other an alleged racist.

Meg begged me to come with her to the party and wouldn’t take no for an answer. When we arrived, Meg started kissing me right away. And it continued when we got back to my place. It wasn’t long before we’d moved from the living room to my bed. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details of what happened between the sheets that evening, but you would want to vomit.

Even though she had those two awful, terrible sons, there were signs that Meg wasn’t too experienced sexually. When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that her undocumented Mexican workers hadn’t been keeping up with the landscaping. Meg was like a forest down there. Seriously, her hoo-haa had an Afro.

Crappy job trimming the lady bush, Santiago. You will be deported now. (Image by Tomas Castelazo.)

Let me point out that I am such a genius that what bothered me about her was that she hadn’t waxed, not that she was a mean, crazy lady I barely knew who wouldn’t leave my apartment. I am obsessed with pubes that much. What if she had been a pretty, intelligent, kind woman who hadn’t waxed? Would I really have reacted like such an idiot? Probably.

Anyway, that was a big turnoff and I lost interest, so nothing happened. I rolled over and went to sleep. Meg snored like a howitzer.

When I heard several months ago that Meg had decided to run for California Governor, I didn’t take it very seriously. And I never expected in a million years that she’d end up winning the primary. But she did, and the morning after the election, I sat in disbelief as I watched the news on TV.

God, I hope the same thing doesn’t happen next week.

I want a Governor with a bald pussy. Just like Jerry Brown.

Hedge clippers, Meg. (Image by KoS.)

More Fake Media and Entertainment News:

Tags:

Exclusive: Larry King Talking Into A Breadstick At The Olive Garden

October 5, 2010 in Fake, Humor

Bonnie Hunt just brought me a Chicken Marsala. (Image by Chad J. McNeeley.)

He was once one of the most highly paid and ill-prepared hosts on television, but these days Larry King is known as that creepy old guy at the Olive Garden who keeps trying to interview people with a breadstick. When a group from the office is trying to celebrate someone’s birthday, Larry King plops himself down and tells them that they are on the air with Ryan Secrest, even though they’re not.

The manager at the Olive Garden was sort of thrilled the first time Larry King walked into the restaurant. You don’t see too many celebrities there. He took a photo with Larry King and hung it on the wall. But now he pretty much calls the police as soon as Larry King pulls into the parking lot.

Hot, tasty microphones.

Larry King thinks his waitress is Lady Gaga. Yeah, his waitress is blond, but she’s also a 48-year-old mother of five. He probably should realize the difference. Larry just asked his waitress if she wrote “Poker Face” because she likes playing poker. She just wants to take his order and finish her shift, but Larry King finds her “entrancing, one of her generation’s most exciting performers.”

Larry King thinks the kitchen is his dressing room, and he hangs out in his underpants and regales the cooks with stories of his days running around Miami with Jackie Gleason. Most of them are trying to put poison in his Lasagna Classico. They long for his death.

Larry King really needs this Olive Garden gig to work out, even though it’s not really a gig. He stares out of the window in fear that Anderson Cooper or Piers Morgan is arriving. But it’s just the police, so he quickly pulls on his trousers.

    Tags:

    Shocker: Glenn Beck Uncovers Socialist Threat

    September 14, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Glenn Beck: It's Murray Sunshine who threatens our very way of life. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

    He may be controversial, but you have to give that fat-necked scumbag Glenn Beck some credit. While the necrophiliacs in our so-called government are busy spending tax dollars on flag-burning fluid and members of the liberal media are having gay orgies on gunboats, Beck has singlehandedly uncovered one of the most dastardly socialist threats our country has seen in decades. And the most stunning news of all is that menace is present on our own land.

    After tireless research on the computer in his office during a coffee break, Beck spent half of a recent episode of his Fox News show outing 92-year-old New York City resident Murray Sunshine as a dangerous radical on par with Osama bin Laden and the Taliban. Sunshine, a retired upholsterer who for decades did volunteer work as a community organizer, is apparently determined to destroy our sacred ideals.

    “This Murray guy is a one-man Al-Qaeda, but the liberal elite doesn’t report it.” Beck said. “He’s the kind of dangerous operative leading the Obama Administration around on a leash. He is now infiltrating the government as he has previously infiltrated the education and legal systems. He is a threat to our once-great nation, which already needed to have its honor restored.”

    Murray Sunshine: I met Gus Hall once. He wasn't as tall as you might think.

    For his part, Sunshine isn’t denying the charges that he’s a card-carrying member of the Socialist Party, even taking out his wallet and showing the card to representatives of the media who gathered outside his Bensonhurst apartment.

    “Oh sure, I’m a socialist,” Sunshine said with a smile, an evil socialist smile. “I have been forever. I still like to sit in the diner and read my Weekly Worker. And I have several buttons with slogans about laborers uniting.”

    For many years, Sunshine registered voters in poor communities, trying to allow them a representative voice in their government, probably pleasing Castro to no end. He also worked in soup kitchens, gave out free turkeys at Thanksgiving and was active in maintaining a neighborhood public garden. Sometimes he would attempt to converse with recent Dominican immigrants in Spanish Harlem about Karl Marx and they would look at him funny.

    It began to rain and as the reporters dispersed, Sunshine offered them an umbrella and bus fare, just the way Stalin taught him to.

    More Media News:

    Tags:

    Shocker: Snooki Sentenced To Death By Drowning

    September 9, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Snooki: Judge threw the book at her. She didn't read it. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    That fucking idiot Snooki received a surprisingly harsh sentence today in her disorderly conduct case when the Judge ordered that she be executed by drowning on the beach at Seaside Heights on Christmas Day. It’s going to be really freezing when she sinks into the ocean and the life drains from her body.

    The moron has no idea what the sentence means. When she heard the verdict, she was piss drunk and had just hit her head on the ceiling of a tanning bed. She thinks it may have something to do with drowning as many cocktails as she can. The one positive is that she probably won’t even know what is happening as the executioner leads her into the water in front of a large crowd of gawking slobs.

    Local Seaside Heights merchants are thrilled about the forthcoming holy day execution because they thought Labor Day would be the last time this year they’d profit from the disgusting behavior displayed on Jersey Shore. Originally, they were angered that their town was depicted in such a disgraceful way, but once everyone starting making money, the moral outrage quickly subsided.

    Executioner's hood is no protection from Bon Jovi music. (Image by Piotrus.)

    But no one is more thrilled about the drowning than MTV and its parent company Viacom. They’re going to broadcast the killing live and think they can sell ads at several times the usual price–maybe even at Super Bowl rates! A colorful assortment of derelicts will be on hand to drink gasoline during the pre-game show. And Bon Jovi is going to perform at halftime. They’ll do that song they do about the working-class couple with the dreams.

    After Snooki sinks and dies, a crane is going to lift her bloated corpse from the water so that her body can be stuffed by a taxidermist. If you want to have a look at the stuffed Snooki, it’s going to cost you a quarter. But having sex with her remains will run you fifty cents. In a heartwarming twist, Viacom has promised that part of the proceeds from the necrophilia will go toward rebuilding the town dump.

    More Entertainment and Sports News:

    Tags: ,

    Mr. Trump Is Indeed A Very Classy Individual

    August 23, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Mr. Trump: Paint those tits green, ASAP. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

    I think we can all agree that gorgeous women in skimpy bikinis and high heels is neither sexy enough nor classy enough in this advanced day and age. They need to whip out their breasts and slap some paint on those hooters.

    Thankfully, a first-class individual like Mr. Trump has remedied this problem. Mr. Trump and NBC own the Miss Universe pageant, and they recently released a series of photos and videos that have contestants posed topless with their bare breasts painted a variety of colors, which is a blatant rip-off of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It caused an uproar, but it really is tough to tell which woman is the most beautiful unless you’ve seen her funbags when they’re maroon.

    A lot of people thought the stunt was just more of the same crass, stupid, egotistical hoopla that Mr. Trump engages in, which allows him to create faux controversies and get publicity for his mediocre entertainments and garish buildings and casinos. But they don’t understand how classy Mr. Trump is.

    Anyhow, breast-painting is just the start of the changes that will make the Miss Universe pageant even classier. Contestants will also be required to hump a stripper pole, have their beavers shaved on live television and go down on a cucumber. “The contestants who compete at Miss Universe are diverse and they represent more than 82 countries around the globe,” said a representative for Mr. Trump and NBC, defending the contest’s changes. “Many of their cultures embrace the idea of nasty ho’s with bald pussies. We have to be culturally sensitive and respect that.” To this point, fisting and genital mutilation have been discussed, but no final decision has been made.

    Miss Chloe needs to get her hoo-haa vajazzled. (Image by Pleple2000.)

    Improvements instituted in this year’s Miss Universe pageant may even make it to the world of show dogs if a rumored sale of the Westminster Kennel Club is finalized, and Mr. Trump and NBC gain control of the canine contest. The deal is apparently very close to fruition and everyone is hoping for the best. Westminster is a fierce competition held each year at Madison Square Garden, but it lacks the sizzle and sex appeal it needs if it is going to be the kind of first-rate contest that someone like Mr. Trump demands. Preliminary reports say that from now on beagles will be forced to have their nutsacs pierced and that cockapoos will be dressed in bondage gear. It will be very classy indeed.

    More Entertainment and Sports News:

    Tags:

    Decoder: Recent Comments From Critics Of The So-Called Ground Zero Mosque

    August 19, 2010 in Humor, Politics

    Sarah Palin: Dr. Laura's wingwoman. (Image by David Shankbone.)

    Sarah Palin tweet: Mr. President, why are they so set on marking an area w/ mosque steps from what you described, in agreement with many, as “hallowed ground”?

    Decoder: It’s amusing that I suddenly think New York has hallowed ground. Since gaining national recognition, I’ve made it clear time and again that I have only disdain for New York City, that I think it’s less American than other places in the country. But the second it became politically expedient to think New York City contains hallowed ground, I was happy to play my cards from that end of the deck.

    Sarah Palin: Nobody argues that the freedom of religion that the Muslims have [permits them] to build that mosque somewhere.

    Decoder: Yes, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion “somewhere.” Maybe in Trenton or someplace like that. Secaucus–that’s a good place for religious freedom.

    Newt Gingrich: You know, Nazis don’t have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There’s no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center.

    Decoder: I’ve just compared Muslim-Americans who haven’t broken any laws to Nazis. Abridging the rights of Muslim-Americans today because we are at war with Al-Qaeda is no different in principle than Japanese-Americans being denied rights during WWII.

    Terrorists want you to eat this delicious, delicious sandwich.

    Newt Gingrich: America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization.

    Decoder: Some guy just opened a falafel stand not four miles from where I live. It’s like Pearl Harbor with chickpeas.

    Rep. Peter King: There are too many mosques in America.

    Decoder: I have already tried to say this comment was taken out of context, but the unedited video makes it clear that it wasn’t. I am a sad and prejudiced man.

    President Obama: I was not commenting and I will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to put a mosque there. I was commenting very specifically on the right people have that dates back to our founding. That’s what our country is about.

    Decoder: I was being more honest and accurate when I said, “Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable.” But then some Democrats who are running for reelection this fall gave Rahm Emmanuel an earful, so I had to backtrack somewhat. I should stick to defending the Constitution.

    More Decoders:


    Tags: , , ,

    Exclusive: Snooki Running For Mayor Of Wasilla

    August 16, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Campaign slogan: Wanna fuck? (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    Because every antisocial, opportunistic cretin contributing nothing to society feels compelled to run for Mayor of Wasilla, Snooki has just announced she’s throwing her snatch into the ring.

    Snooki has an unusual platform that has nothing to do with improving Wasilla’s primary school education or eldercare services. She plans to woo voters by giving a blowjob in public to a giraffe shipped in from the Alaska Zoo. It might sound strange, but there’s a method to her madness. Wasilla is a hardscrabble town that could use a great mayor to help it cope with the many social problems it’s facing, but short of that the locals need someone to make them feel better about themselves. Snooki blowing a giraffe will achieve that latter goal because it will enable the citizens of Wasilla to feel superior, since they won’t be the ones who’ll have giraffe semen in their mouths. Even though no one asked her to, Snooki has even volunteered to swallow the quadruped ejaculate. People are willing to give her handkerchiefs to spit into, but she won’t hear of it.

    For his part, Levi isn’t giving up without a battle. He’s agreed to finger the house pets (dogs, cats, ferrets, etc.) of any MILF who is willing to throw her vote his way. He has, however, asserted that he will not use his tongue on them. That could hurt him with swing voters, but no one will know for sure until Election Day. The one thing we do know for certain is the people who are considering creating a reality show that has Levi running a sham campaign for mayor of Wasilla are college graduates who should definitely know better. But they care nothing for the welfare of the people in the small Alaskan town.

    There'll also be assplay. (Image by Hans Hillewaert.)

    MTV and its parent company Viacom are being very supportive of Snooki’s mayoral aspirations, because they’re not multi-billion dollar corporations just using the Jersey Shore cast members to make large sums of money before discarding them like trash. People might think that’s what’s happening, but it’s totally not. For instance, if one of the Jersey Shore kids should contract HIV from one of the drunken hook-ups that MTV and its parent company Viacom enables and encourages, the network will no doubt be there for them.

    And MTV and and its parent company Viacom have a sense of responsibility that goes far beyond just the cast, extending to the millions of young viewers who may emulate the disgusting behavior displayed on the show. The program is popular with a very young demographic, and let’s face it, not all of those tweens and young teens who watch have great parental guidance. Should the show inspire some of them to behave promiscuously and get an STD, maybe even AIDS, the corporations will definitely intercede and help them emotionally and financially, especially if they need expensive hospice care. Anything less would be incredibly negligent.

    It’s not easy for executives at MTV and Viacom these days because they all keep having the same recurring nightmare. It goes something like this: After cashing their paychecks for Season 3, the Jersey Shore cast members realize they’re going to be replaced by cheaper dummies the following year anyhow, so they decide to not put their health at risk for what is actually a small amount of money. They all conspire to give up drinking and behaving like pigs and instead go to libraries and do charity work for people in need. MTV and Viacom execs all wake up in a panic just as the kids become good citizens.

    More Entertainment and Sports News:

    Tags: ,

    Decoder: Republicans Campaign To Extend The Bush Tax Cuts For The Wealthy

    August 12, 2010 in Humor, Politics

    Sarah Palin: Recently outwitted by a salmon. (Image byTherealbs2002.)

    Sarah Palin: You don’t take money from the private sector and grow government with it and that’s exactly what Obama has in mind with this expiration of Bush tax cuts proposal of his. His commitment to let previous tax cuts expire will lead to even fewer job opportunities for Americans.

    Decoder: If these tax cuts for the wealthy, which have been around for nearly ten years, are so good at creating jobs, why has job creation declined during that time? Before they existed, during the Clinton years, job creation was much better.

    Sarah Palin: [Letting the Bush tax cuts expire] is going to result in the largest tax increase in U.S. history and again it’s idiotic and my palm isn’t large enough to write all my notes down on what this tax increase will result in. [I've written on my hand that it will raise taxes] 3.8 trillion over the next ten years so I didn’t say 3.7 trillion and get dinged by the liberals saying I didn’t know what I was talking about.

    Decoder: Of course, the liberals could say that I’m a lying, resentment-filled jackass who has a cheat sheet written on her hand like a small child.

    Sarah Palin: [The more] job creators are taxed, the fewer dollars they have to reinvest in their own businesses and hire more people the worse it is for more Americans.

    Decoder: Most of the people who will lose these tax cuts for the wealthy aren’t job creators, they’re bankers and brokers. If you give bankers and brokers extra spending money, most of the jobs they will create are in the cocaine and prostitution sectors.

    Bush tax cuts: Creating jobs. (Image by Tomas Castelazo.)

    John McCain: I think the worst thing we can do to the American people during these tough economic times is raise taxes which is what the effect of the expiration of the Bush tax cuts would be.

    Decoder: But this is what I said about these same Bush tax cuts in 2001: “I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief.”

    Senator Mitch MocConnell: The only way you narrow the deficit is to get the private sector moving again.

    Decoder: Or you could let the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy expire. That would reduce the deficit by roughly 30%. That would work, too.

    Rep. John Boehner: The only way we’re going to get our economy going again and solve our budget problems is to get the economy moving.

    Decoder: I was supposed to say the same thing as Mitch McConnell, but I’m such a moron I can’t even deliver rehearsed lines.

    Rep. John Boehner: What we have to do is we have to get our arms around the spending spree that’s going on in Washington, D.C.

    Decoder: Like, for instance, tax cuts for wealthy people.

    More Decoders:

    Tags: , , ,

    NFL Rule Changes: Kidnappings Now Permissible

    August 9, 2010 in Fake, Humor, Sports

    NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: I was just really tired of suspending everyone. (Image by Bradley Lail.)

    The NFL Rules Committee recently met and have made some changes to modernize America’s favorite sport and make it even more reprehensible. Commissioner Roger Goodell was tired of reprimanding everyone in football anyhow, so he decided to say fuck the rules to reduce the number of player suspensions and fan arrests. Dogfighting, gun and drug possession, beating up strippers, ticket holders behaving like boxcar hobos and players experiencing brain damage is just the beginning. Shit’s gonna get effed up, people!

    For one thing, kidnapping is now legal. If the other team has a player who’s really making it difficult for your team to win the game, your guys can get some guns and rope and kidnap that player from the opposing sidelines. Then they can have that player beg for mercy before the cameras to psyche out the other team. Fans will not only be able to bet money they don’t have on game outcomes but also on which players will emerge from their kidnappings alive.

    Players will no longer wear helmets. They’re getting brain damaged already anyhow, but it’s happening in a way that’s subtle, gradual and not entertaining. Now they’ll be a chance to literally see some of the damaged brains, should they ooze from a player’s gashed, bloody head. CT scans of the injured skulls will be taken as soon as players are carted off the field, and the head X-rays will be displayed on the scoreboard along with other stats.

    Who wants to pistol-whip the free safety? (Image by Belinda Hankins Miller.)

    Officials will be required to carry firearms, though they will only be able to use them to murder players at non-skill positions. If an official accidentally kills a quarterback or running back, he in turn will also be murdered. These executions will occur at mid-field via lethal injection, which will be administered by the referee the condemned official was least friendly with. Announcers will be encouraged to use profanities and talk trash about former announcers who have recently passed away. Those losers were weak and cowardly and their grieving families should know.

    Only fans have been able to get disgustingly drunk during games in the past, but players will now be permitted to drink booze and smoke weed on the sidelines. The liquor they drink will, however, have to be made by an NFL sponsor. It’s a great way to raise revenue through product placement. Cheerleaders are being replaced by prostitutes, who will provide players and coaches with blowjobs and quickies at halftime. Fans will likewise be permitted to have sex in the stands between halves, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes or purchase prostitutes from the concession stand. Fans who have grown too obese to perform sexually will be able to watch a porno on the Jumbotron so that they can remember what arousal felt like.

    The NFL will be much more interactive since fans will help determine when games are over. The 60-minute playing time will no longer be observed. Games will continue until 100 players and/or spectators have died from cardiac arrest or alcohol poisoning. The team with the most points at that juncture will win, and the deceased will be buried in a mass grave beneath the 30-yard line before carrion can have at them.

    Are you ready for some football?

    More Entertainment and Sports News:

    Tags:

    Decoder: Recent Comments By Nevada GOP Senate Candidate Sharron Angle

    August 5, 2010 in Humor, Politics

    Sharron Angle: Photo fuzzy, as is her reasoning. (Image by Steve Wainstead.)

    Sharron Angle: We need people to really stand for faith and trust, not hope and change.

    Decoder: By telling people to not vote for change, I seem to be encouraging them to support my opponent, the incumbent Harry Reid. That can’t be good for me.

    Sharron Angle: Harry Reid is a consummate politician.

    Decoder: Unlike me. I’m a total stumblefuck.

    Sharron Angle: And these programs that you mentioned–that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward–are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment.

    Decoder: Why wait to see if I’m elected before blurring the line between church and state?

    Sharron Angle: I know people are very frightened about what’s going on in this country.

    Decoder: Most of them are frightened of me.

    Sharron Angle: Harry Reid’s plan to save the Nevada economy is coked-up stimulus monkeys.

    Decoder: I’m trying to twist a legitimate university drug-research project that involves monkeys into a scandal for my political gain. According to the Washington Post: “Bonnie Davis, a spokeswoman for The Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, told ABC the ‘small grant has helped protect very important research that will have significant impact on public health in regards to cocaine addiction and the issue of relapse.’”

    Please do not stop your cocaine research. I love science so very much. (Image by Jorge Perez.)

    Sharron Angle: [Harry Reid] reinvents himself at each one of his elections.

    Decoder: This time he’s running as the person who’s not the crazy lady.

    Sharron Angle: We know that once we have a majority that are dependent upon the government, we will lose our freedom.

    Decoder: But think of all the extra time we’ll have. We won’t have to rush around when buying cocaine for our monkeys.

    Sharron Angle: We need to have the press be our friend. We want them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.

    Decoder: The press will probably never be my friend, but Harry Reid seems to like me more every time I open my mouth.

    More Decoders:

    Tags: ,

    Exclusive: Huge Changes Ahead For America Idol

    August 3, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Gen. Petraeus: You sing like Cher after she's been to a Taliban dentist.

    The news is everywhere that a shakeup has gone down behind the scenes at American Idol. With ratings starting to decline and Simon leaving the program, producers knew that they had to take some drastic measures.

    So, judges Ellen and Kara are out and replacing them will be J-Lo and Steven Tyler. What hasn’t been reported is that General Petraeus will also be joining the show as a judge. Already assigned with the twin burdens of successfully completing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Petraeus will be expected to rescue the disaster that Idol has become.

    Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri: Your pants are on the ground, infidel.

    Some people think Petraeus is too nice like Ellen, but this is a four-star general who is used to talking tough with some of the most evil terrorists in the world. If you sing a song and you sound like a bunch of cats murdering a bird, Petraeus isn’t going to lie to you.

    He’s also up for the ratings challenge. ”We will pursue Dancing with the Stars relentlessly,” Petraeus said at a press conference. “We will target them and their leaders. We will fight hard and with discipline until we reach our achievable goals.”

    In order to further liven things up, Ryan Seacrest has been let go to make room for new host, Al-Qaeda member Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri. Unlike Ellen, this enemy combatant is definitely not too nice. In fact, he’s a terrorist hellbent on destroying Western culture. The banter between Al-Marri and Petraeus will no doubt be deliciously bitchy. Fox has its fingers crossed.

    More Entertainment News:

    Tags: , , , , ,

    Environmental Disaster In Gulf Worsens In July As…Oh Wait, Snooki Just Crapped Her Pants!

    July 26, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Snooki: The turlet was all the way over there. (Image by Amy Nicole Waltney.)

    Something really bad was happening to the environment recently, but then Snooki crapped her pants. She’s the best! It happened either on a boardwalk or in a parking garage–there are conflicting reports. It wasn’t an accident if that’s what you’re thinking. Snooki can control her bowel movements; she just chose not to. Having been rewarded handsomely for sub-literate, antisocial behavior, she feels like she needs to constantly up the ante. And anyhow the bathroom was about 40 feet away, so why not just use her clothes as a toilet and do something to entertain her many fans.

    According to eyewitness accounts, Snooki had downed some booze and a veal parm a few hours earlier and felt she needed to evacuate her intestines, so that she could be light on her feet during a planned broken beer bottle fight with another woman. Despite her diminutive size, Snooki craps like a herd of alpacas. Her thong couldn’t catch the poop, and it oozed out onto the ground. The Smithsonian has called about it; they’d like to acquire the stool and permanently keep it floating in one of the museum’s toilets. It’s just like when they acquired Fonzie’s leather jacket if Fonzie’s leather jacket had been made of feces.

    Only losers use them. (Image by Downtowngal.)

    Everyone has been tweeting about Snooki dropping a deuce in her pants and fans are making a pilgrimage to the Jersey Shore to see it for themselves. The dung has been roped off to protect it from being stolen, but the masses can get close enough so that they can take photos in front of it.

    People who watch her TV show claim to like Snooki, but it’s unlikely they would ever want to trade places with her. It seems they just enjoy laughing at someone who makes them feel superior. But what kind of message does that send to children who might think they can thrive by acting like pigs rather than developing their minds. Democracy can’t survive without an informed citizenry and …oh wait, The Situation just pissed himself! There are conflicting reports, but it happened either on a bar stool or in a bowling alley. He’s the best!

    Tags: ,

    Decoder: Glenn Beck’s Comments About Potentially Losing His Sight In A Year

    July 23, 2010 in Humor, Politics

    Glenn Beck: Breathes through his ass. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

    Glenn Beck: A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes.

    Decoder: He was a podiatrist, so he threw me out of his office.

    Glenn Beck: I went to the best doctor I could find while I could still go to the best doctor I could find.

    Decoder: This remark is intended to disparage health-care reform. I’m suggesting that there will be no good doctors to go to once there is universal health care. That’s complete bullshit.

    Glenn Beck: He did all kinds of tests and he told me I have macular dystrophy. He said, “You could go blind in the next year or you might not.”

    Decoder: But he said I’d definitely get even dumber in the next year. That’s guaranteed.

    Glenn Beck: That day, honestly…[trying to make himself cry]…

    Decoder: I’m trying to force myself to well up with tears to make it seem like I’m a sympathetic figure. But I haven’t always shown sympathy for others. Remember that time when I was a radio host, according to Salon, that I made fun on-air of woman who had just had a miscarriage? I bet she didn’t have to pretend to cry. Also: I’ve made fun of the blind in the past.

    Glenn Beck: I know what my wife looks like, I know what my children look like, I have a great imagination, I know what colors look like [trying to make himself cry], but I love to read.

    Decoder: Yet I’m still a complete fucking assclown. Books must be overrated.

    Glenn Beck: What a blessing…because I know God.

    Decoder: He’s the one who vomits when he looks down on me from heaven. Usually, he vomits Mexican food on me. I don’t know why he likes Mexican food so much. He’s very mysterious.

    J.C.: That breakfast burrito isn't sitting right, Glenny. (Image by Jack Merridew.)

    Glenn Beck: After I stopped feeling sorry for myself…

    Decoder: I will never stop feeling sorry for myself.

    Glenn Beck: …I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing: Lord if you need my eyes, they’re yours. They were yours the whole time, anyway.

    Decoder: I like pointing out stuff to God because he needs a genius like me doing the thinking for him.

    Glenn Beck: Thank you for letting me see as long as I have. That’s a blessing.

    Decoder: I’ve wasted every blessing I’ve ever had in life. If anything, I’ve used them to make the country worse.

    More Decoders:

    Tags:

    Lindsay Thinks She’s In A Really Lousy Airport

    July 22, 2010 in Fake, Humor

    Lindsay: I'd like a window seat.

    Lindsay doesn’t know she’s in jail, so you probably shouldn’t mention it to her if you happen to wind up in the cell next to hers. She just thinks she’s in a very bad airport, like, the worst one she’s ever been in. Her lawyers didn’t want to bum her out, so they didn’t really tell her the whole truth and stuff. Maybe they should have.

    Lindsay thinks the plane must be very delayed. Perhaps there was a bad storm or something. And to make matters worse, this crappy airport has no magazine stand where she can buy an Us Weekly and a Red Bull. It’s odd that all the Passenger Service Agents have guns and handcuffs and the Ground Crew gives her strip searches, but in this age of terrorism, you can’t be too careful.

    The plane will be here soon, pumpkin. (Image by Glenn Francis.)

    Lindsay thinks it’s good of the airline to give her free food and a place to sleep while she waits for her plane, but the meals and accommodations are pretty subpar. She hopes the plane will get here soon because waiting around is such a drag. Lindsay isn’t sure where the plane she’s waiting for is going, but she hopes it’s someplace really cool. Maybe she’ll be making a movie there or hosting a party or something.

    Sometimes Lindsay wishes she could fly without an airplane. Then she wouldn’t have to wait around for anyone. She would just flap her arms and soar into the sky where everything is quiet and peaceful and blue. There would be birds to talk to and she could get close enough to the rainbows to touch them. And it would be just completely great and make her really happy if all the clouds she flew into were made of marshmallows and vanilla ice cream and crystal meth.

    Tags:

    « Older entries