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Santa: Corporate welfare, trophy wives, poll taxes.


You’ve probably had a hectic Christmas season and so has Santa Claus. He’s been busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates. Hope your miniature mouths don’t get too tired from all the sucking.

Santa couldn’t be happier about the incoming Trump Administration. Thanks to those intermittently useful white working-class dipshits, conservatives can now make the U.S. a complete kleptocracy and turn the population the color of snow. No more immigrants, labor unions, Medicare or capital gains tax.

In fact, the big guy has gone full-on predatory capitalist and his interests now include masturbating to Cavuto: Coast to Coast, making wealth inequality worse and drinking the blood of the young like a parched Peter Thiel at the finish line of a 5K. 

Oh, and he isn’t giving your asshole children toys for free this year. You’ll pay retail, bitches.

You don’t like Santa’s vision for Making America Great Again? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!•

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dolly after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Nana -2015)

Nana (1936-2016)

Fuck you, popular vote!

That pardon isn't for free. We need you to work with us.

That pardon isn’t for free. We need you to work with us.

In his final Thanksgiving in the White House, President Obama continued a cherished tradition yesterday when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the reprieves, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word leaked that they’d flipped, so they had to be taken out. You know how it is when you go against the family, boys. Nothing personal, it’s just business.

A bullet

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and that's how you'll die.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and that’s how you’ll die.

Paulie (2016-2016)

Frankie (2016-2016)

America (1776-2015)

America (1776-2016)

I promise I’ll never re-watch Goodfellas during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay, except for most types of white-collar crime. Oh, and stealing an entire nation from indigenous peoples. That can also pay off!

09TRUMP2-blog480

We shouldn’t let Native Americans come into our country.

Good luck, bitches.

Good luck, bitches.

Happy Thanksgiving, American Afflictor readers!

Happy Thanksgiving, U.S. Afflictor readers!

hulkhoganguitar

trump4-1 (1)

kim-kardashian-butt-problems

Today is a special day when Americans eat too much, drink too much and blow stuff up. That’s right, it’s Monday.

Oh, and it’s also July 4th, the anniversary of when we decided in 1776 to wax those British father-rapers who were taxing us and then using that money to supply us with basic services we desperately needed. I mean, we would have died. The English were so upset about our Declaration of Independence that they impulsively decided to commit suicide just 240 years later.

Yes, it’s the birthday of the U.S.A., the greatest nation in the history of the world. If you forget that America is the best country ever, don’t worry, we’ll remind you every five minutes. That’s because we’re enormous and wealthy yet deeply insecure, much like Donald Trump, who hopes to become President mainly so that he can masturbate in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Luckily, other countries are far worse than we are, so they can’t say shit. Yes, Turkmenistan, I’m looking at you. Suck it, weirdos! And if any of you talk trash about us, we’ll know right away because we’re listening in on all your private conversations. We can’t help it: Spying on you, sexy world, gets us really, really hard.

Anyhow, enjoy a safe and happy holiday!


A special performance of “America the Beautiful” by Meat Loaf and Mitt Romney.

'Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

And all through the house / Not a creature was stirring

Not even a louse

Not even a louse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Jonathan_G_Meath_portrays_Santa_Claus

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

Lets visit the biggest liar since President Nixon

Let’s visit the worst jackoff since President Nixon

Santa, why did you put a lump of coal in my fist?

Hey Santa, why did you put a lump of coal in my fist?

Because it said you were a fuckface when I was checking my list

Because it said you’re a fuckface when I was checking my list

I hope you brought something for my daughter or that would be wrong

I hope you brought something for my daughter, or that would be wrong

I gave her what she asked for, my big, fat, red schlong

I gave her what she asked for, my big, fat, red schlong

How dare you! Thats disgusting, but it gives my an idea. Everyone wait while I go change my gear

How dare you, that’s disgusting, but it gives me an idea / Everyone wait while I go change my gear

Santas back, my darling, and my passion is strong / I havent a condom, but what could go wrong?

Santa’s back, my darling, and my passion is strong / I haven’t a condom, but what could go wrong?

A couple months passed and then there was joy!

A couple months passed, and then there was joy!

The President would be grandfather/father to a new baby boy!

The President would be grandfather/father to a new baby boy!

I hope hes handsome like me, what a wonderful sight!

I hope he’s handsome like me, what a wonderful sight!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

donald trump make america great

Santa: Corporate welfare, McMansions, poll taxes.

You’ve probably had a hectic Christmas season and so has Santa Claus. He’s been busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates. Hope your mini mouths don’t get too tired from all the sucking.

Santa also purchased a pharmaceutical company and he’s going to gouge patients who need AIDS drugs like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, those Wu-Tang albums ain’t gonna pay for themselves. In fact, the big guy has gone full-on capitalist and his interests now include making wealth inequality worse and spending like a Koch brother to prevent Obama from winning a third term. (Yeah, I know, but don’t tell him.)

Santa’s actually feeling pretty good these days. Thanks to those intermittently useful evangelical dipshits, conservatives run the House and Senate and are only a Ted Cruz Presidency from making the U.S. a complete corporatocracy. 

Oh, and he isn’t giving your asshole children toys for free this year. You’ll pay retail, bitches.

You don’t like Santa’s vision? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!•

Don't cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dollie after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Don’t cry, Abigail. You would have gotten tired of that new dolly after a few years anyway. Oh, and did I mention Grandma passed?

Nana -2015)

Nana (1935-2015)

Laid-off elf: Jaw weary from so much fellatio.

That pardon isn't for free. We need you to work with us.

That pardon isn’t for free. We need you to work with us.

President Obama continued a Thanksgiving tradition yesterday when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the reprieves, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word leaked that they’d flipped, so they had to be taken out. You know how it is when you go against the family, boys. It’s just business, not personal.

A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.

You lived like scum, Frankie, and you died like it.

Paulie (2015-2015).

Frankie (2015-2015).

America (1776-2015)

America (1776-2015)

I promise I’ll never re-watch Goodfellas during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay, except for most types of white-collar crime. Oh, and stealing an entire nation from indigenous peoples. That can also pay off!

09TRUMP2-blog480

We shouldn’t let Native Americans come into this country!

Happy Thanksgiving, American Afflictor readers!

Happy Thanksgiving, U.S. Afflictor readers!

trump-heckler-birmingham-fb

After approving of his supporters beating a Black Lives Matter protester in Birmingham, Donald Trump had another altercation with the group.

Uh oh, one of those Black Lives Matter thugs has me cornered. Think fast, Donnie.

Uh oh, those Black Lives Matter thugs have me cornered.

Want to buy some Thin Mints, Mister?

Shes vicious! Ill speed away in that car to escape!

They’re vicious! I’ll speed away in that car near the cliff to escape!

ccra

Wow, St. Peter, that's some tan you've got.

Wow, so this is heaven. Hey, St. Peter, that’s some tan you’ve got!

St. Peter?!? I mean, duh, I’m wearing horns.

And I'm wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is some piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

And I’m wearing the kind of underpants that mutes farts. Hey, this is a big piece of real estate. Have you ever thought of developing it?

How so?

We class up the joint, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, European women who've "modeled," and my name in big letters everywhere.

We class it up, Pete. Casinos, golf courses, Eastern European models and my name in big gold letters everywhere.

That sounds hideous! It would actually make this place even worse. You’ve got a deal.

Great. But first we have to install some air conditioners. I'm burning up in this place.

Great. But first we need to install some air conditioners. I’m sweating like Rubio in this dump.

Not happening, Hamburglar.

48017699.cached

trumpmessage

 

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Mr Brown, what were you doing purchasing heroin in Canarsie?

Mr. Brown, what were you doing with a crack pipe in Jersey City?

I will throw blood all over this courtroom.

I will pour blood all over this courtroom.

The court orders you to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

The court orders you to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

I had chili for breakfast.

I had chili for breakfast, Jeb.

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Show me your panties, Grandma Lucy.

I want your panties, Grandma Lucy.

I'm calling the police, you pervert!

I’m calling the police, you pervert!

It's still me, Nana.

I’m going to need your panties as evidence, Nana.

Pregnant, my ass. I saw her stuff a whole chicken in her shirt.

Pregnant, my ass. I saw her stuff a whole chicken up her shirt.

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How did you get that garden gnome in your hoo-haa?

How did that garden gnome get in your hoo hah?

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Not in the face!

Not in the face!

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That sex spell U sold over the Internet will bring unhappiness to the whole world.

That sex spell I sold over the Internet will bring unhappiness to the whole world.

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  • Man Fatally Assaults Baby Who Urinated On Him: Police
  • Grilled Cheese Lovers Have More Sex And Are Better People
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  • Bra-Wielding Burglar Thwarted By Woman Wielding Ceramic Chicken: Cops
  • Ownership Of Penis-Shaped House Up For Grabs
  • Here’s Why Human Penises Are So Big
  • HuffPost Interviews Obama

huff_2925784b

obama-upset-1

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My social security check is wet.

You got my social security check wet.

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Lick my boots, dog.

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Ken's penis is filthy and uncut.

Ken’s penis is uncut.

I will never love you the way I love meth.

I will never love you the way I love meth.

I strangled a male prostitute.

I just strangled a male prostitute.

m

My ancestors were Nazi sympathizers.

Fran Lebowitz joined One Direction.

I’m Fran Lebowitz, and I’ve joined One Direction.

Wow, I missed by a mile.

Wow, I missed by a mile.

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You have dolphin gonorrhea.

No, I have no idea how dolphin semen got into my lungs.

putindolphins123

 

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I need a smoke. My wife will saw off your diabetic leg.

I need a smoke. My son will handle your surgery.

I dont have diabetes.

Is he a good doctor?

No, but neither am I.

Uh, sure.

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Son, the Uber driver is here. Stop farting or hell punch me in the face.

Son, the Uber driver is here. Don’t fart in the car or he’ll punch me in the face.

Even if I could stop I wouldn't.

Even if I could stop, I wouldn’t.

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We love you, Puddles, but you have a problem.

We love you, Puddles, but you need to get help.

I can stop anytime I want to.

I can stop drinking anytime I want to.

You're a friggin' mess, Puddles.

You’re a friggin’ mess, Puddles.

Youre not even a real doctor.

You’re not even a real doctor.

You're liver is diseased, Puddles. You will die if you don;t stop drinking.

But I am. Your liver is diseased. Quit drinking or you’ll die.

My name is Puddles, and I’m an alcoholic.

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