That pardon isn’t for free. We need you to work with us.
In his final Thanksgiving in the White House, President Obama continued a cherished tradition yesterday when he pardoned two turkeys, Paulie and Frankie. In order to secure the reprieves, the brothers agreed to help the Feds bring down their family’s racketeering operation. Paulie turned state’s evidence and Frankie wore a wire. They tried to play it cool, but word leaked that they’d flipped, so they had to be taken out. You know how it is when you go against the family, boys. Nothing personal, it’s just business.
A bullet in the neck for you, Paulie.
You lived like scum, Frankie, and that’s how you’ll die.
I promise I’ll never re-watch Goodfellas during a holiday week again. Remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay, except for most types of white-collar crime. Oh, and stealing an entire nation from indigenous peoples. That can also pay off!
We shouldn’t let Native Americans come into our country.
Good luck, bitches.
Happy Thanksgiving, U.S. Afflictor readers!