Santa: poll taxes, McMansions, corporate welfare.

You probably had a hectic Black Friday and so did Santa Claus. He was busy overseeing his new automated workshop in the North Pole. The elves can go fuck themselves. Robots work for free and they’re not a bunch of sassy little bitches. Good luck in the world of fetish porn, you tiny ingrates.

But don’t think Santa is giving your asshole children those toys for free. You’ll pay retail. You see, Santa has been working with Goldman Sachs to prepare Christmas Inc. for an IPO. He wants Bezos money. In fact, the big guy has gone right-wing like David Mamet and his interests now include making wealth inequality worse and spending like a Koch brother to prevent Obama from winning a third term. (Yeah, I know, but don’t tell him.)

Santa’s actually feeling pretty good these days. Thanks to those occasionally useful Tea Party dipshits, conservatives now run the House and Senate and are only a Mitt Romney Presidency from making America a corporatocracy. Santa is very happy that Romney is considering running again in 2016, though he thinks ol’ Mitt should probably keep his creepy-eyed kid in the attic until all the votes have been counted.

You don’t like Santa’s vision? Well, he thinks you should go scratch your ass with a broken eggnog bottle. Santa’s a pimp and you’re a ho ho ho!

When Father becomes Emperor, all the squirrels shall be my minions.