“She Doesn’t Like Trees, So It’s Just Normal Sex Most Of The Time”

April 17, 2012 in Excerpts, Science/Tech, Urban Studies | Permalink

"Boom!"

I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that some people are sexually aroused by trees. (If anyone has a time machine that will return me 301 seconds into the past, please let me know.) Apparently it’s a real thing called dendrophilia. An excerpt from an Ask Me Anything on Reddit by someone who claims to be a tree hugger (and far, far worse):

“[–]FABULOUS_fo_sho 17 points  ago

Do you have sex with women/men?

[–]TreesMakeMeHappy123[S] 21 points  ago

I have a girlfriend and I have sex with her. But she doesn’t like trees, so it’s just normal sex most of the time, which I’m okay with. But I really like nature themed sexual adventures.

[–]Lilcheeks 59 points  ago

Sounds like you need to get her a little drunk… can you say “TREE-WAY”?

[–]chickendodo 24 points  ago

How has being a dendrophiliac affected your life? Have you ever tried to/succeeded in having intercourse with said trees? Splinters?

[–]TreesMakeMeHappy123[S] 49 points  ago

It hasn’t affected me in any serious ways. I just spend a little extra time in my garden than most other people. I like to sand down one side of a tree to make it smoother and then I oil up that side and my penis and I hump it. I also wrap leaves around my penis and masturbate by stroking it like that. Haha no, I don’t get splinters. The sanding down/oiling up process is intended to prevent that.

[–]Ghostshirts 45 points  ago

i had a feeling it wasn’t a tree disease leaving those markings on my beautiful maple. i need a fence.

[–]whisperedzen 50 points  ago

A wooden fence?? beware of all the necrophiliac dendrophiliacs out there…. 

[–]armedrocker 5 points  ago

Boom!”