Word has arrived that there will be no Christmas this year because Santa Claus got a job at Goldman Sachs and is involved in all sorts of dishonest shit. It was time for him to look out for number one, and now he’s insanely wealthy. The only snow Santa will see this season will be the lines of coke he does off a ho ho ho’s belly. You’re not getting gifts from him, so fuck your needy kids and your filthy fucking chimney. If you’d worked harder, you’d be able to buy your own. If Santa drops by your house at all on Christmas, it will be to raise your credit card rates. But he’ll probably just go directly to Hooters and check out the tail. Occupy that, bitches.
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Happy holidays to all of you, no matter what bullshit religion or culture you subscribe to. They’re all stupid and none of it makes you any better than anyone else, so get over yourself. And if you’re the kind of twat who has some sort of personal sense of exceptionalism, if you believe that life is a perfect meritocracy and people get what they truly deserve, remember to stand under the mistletoe and bite yourself really hard. Oh, and a special “fuck you” to anyone who buys magazines that fetishize food when there are starving people in the world. I mean, you should be ashamed. Enjoy the holidays!