Yet to lose a patient.

Charlie Sheen held a press conference this weekend not to announce that he’s entering rehab but to reveal that he’s been attending a Los Angeles medical school, hoping to become one of America’s foremost pussy doctors.

“I’m not entirely abandoning show business,” announced an earnest, pantless and clearly inebriated Charlie Sheen, “but I can’t stress how important it is to me that I dedicate most of my time to treating pussy and pussy-related illnesses.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that the term for a doctor who treats women’s reproductive organs is actually “gynecologist,” the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

Most people are shocked that Charlie Sheen is still alive let alone attending medical school, but he’s clearly impressed his fellow students. He’s an unorthodox rebel who rails against the rigid, uncaring traditions of the medical establishment and has set up a free clinic for unwed mothers in a Malibu condo. He’s pretty much become the Patch Adams of pussy.

Armed with only a speculum, a video camera and a bowl of cocaine, Sheen treats women as they gyrate around the stripper pole he’s installed in his examining room. He even throws in a free breast exam, though he hasn’t yet formally studied tit medicine.

Charlie Sheen’s rebellious streak isn’t only directed at the powers that be in the medical world but also at the gender politics that oppress women. He decries the inequality that females face in society.

“Because of the sick, misogynistic world we live in,” Charlie Sheen said, “all women are forced to become either porn stars or prostitutes. And those professions can be particularly tough on the pussy.”

When a member of the press pointed out to Charlie Sheen that all women are not in fact either porn stars or prostitutes, the actor stared blankly for a moment and then returned to discussing pussy.

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