Newt Gingrich: Stole his head from an owl. (Image by Pete Souza.)

Newt Gingrich: What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]? That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.

Decoder: I’m mentioning the word “Kenyan” to feed the paranoia displayed by the Birthers. I’ve also just oddly criticized someone for being anti-colonial. In this day and age, who exactly believes that colonialism is a good thing?

Newt Gingrich: This is a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now President.

Decoder: My con–the one where I pretended to be an expert on family values despite my many marriages and extramarital affairs–didn’t go quite as well.

Newt Gingrich: I think he worked very hard at being a person who is normal, reasonable, moderate, bipartisan, transparent, accommodating–none of which was true. In the Alinksy tradition, he was being the person he needed to be in order to achieve the position he needed to achieve…He was authentically dishonest.

Decoder: No matter how hard I try to paint Obama as some sort of scary black radical, it will never stick because he is so obviously a very middle-of-the-road guy.

Newt Gingrich: [Obama] is in the great tradition of Edison, Ford, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates–he saw his opportunity and he took it.

It looked better on me. (Image by Resident Professor.)

Decoder: I’ve just compared Obama to some of the biggest capitalists in American history, which really muddles my argument. Also: What’s wrong with someone seizing an opportunity? That’s sort of the American way.

Newt Gingrich: I think Obama gets up every morning with a worldview that is fundamentally wrong about reality. If you look at the continuous denial of reality, there has got to be a point where someone stands up and says that this is just factually insane.

Decoder: You know what really was factually insane? Prior to Obama, we had eight years of a President who thought that Jesus rode around on a dinosaur. That never seemed to bother me then, so maybe I should shut the fuck up now.

More Decoders:

• Glenn Beck’s comments at the “Restoring Honor” rally.
• Barack Obama discusses the importance of fatherhood.
• Glenn Beck claims he may lose his sight in a year.
• BP CEO Tony Hayward murders an ocean.
• Ted Nugent praises the Tea Party.
• Rand Paul defends his ludicrous positions.
• Thomas Sowell compares Obama to Hitler.
• Republicans defend Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.
• Sharron Angle decries cocaine research on monkeys.
• President Obama criticized for appearing on The View.
• John Boehner is a lying bag of horsecrap.
• Larry King interviews Lady Gaga, world nearly ends.
• Eric Massa really, really loves tickling.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discusses nuclear progress in Iran.
• Jon Voight shares his enlightened positions.
• Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly speak about the importance of prayer.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck insults Erin Andrews.
• Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity talk about Arizona’s immigration law.
• Rachel Maddow interviews Rand Paul.
• Rep. Mark Souder resigns in disgrace.
• Linda McMahon thinks she should be a Senator.
• Newt Gingrich pretends he’s running for President.
• Read all the Decoders.