Inscribed by Stern: "Yo--let's do lunch. Howeird."

I haven’t heard a word of Howard Stern’s show since he moved to satellite radio nearly five years ago, but I was pleased to briefly get my hands on an autographed copy of his 1982 record, 50 Ways to Rank Your Mother, which Stern recorded for Wren Records during his pre-Booey Washington D.C. days, when he  was billed as “Howeird” and was very into playing “rank-outs” with listeners.

The radio host (not yet dubbed a “shock jock’) is pictured on the cover dressed in all black, wearing a dog collar and a brandishing a bullwhip. A middle-class mom, straight out of central casting, kneels and cowers before him. The visual is a play on the title song, which, of course, spoofs Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” The whole album is just as crass and tasteless, and despite being recorded before Stern really fully developed his act, it still has its moments.

Hairy Howard: muh-muh-mustache.

Howard did a record signing to get rid of the surplus LPs when he first moved to NYC, and he and Robin were among the inner circle of loons who were on hand to put ink on covers. Robin signed, “Love ya. You’re the best and you can tell your friends I said so.” Howard went with a simple, “Yo–let’s do lunch.” Howard offered a special thanks to “My first wife, Alison,” which was probably a lot funnier when he was still married to his first wife, Alison. Or maybe it’s funnier now. I don’t know. Here are the titles of the album cuts, which lay low everything from Neil Young to Leave It To Beaver:

Side 1

•50 Ways to Rank Your Mother
•Unclean Beaver, Part I
•I Shot Ron Reagan
•Barry Off-White’s Ode to Howit

Side 2

•Havana Hillbillies
•Unclean Beaver, Part II
•John’s Revenge
•Nail Young’s Cat
•Family Affarce
•Bruce Springstern

More Miscellaneous Media: