Glenn Beck: Fills emotional voids at reasonable rates. (Image by Gage Skidmore.)

Glenn Beck: Of course I regret calling Obama a racist. I have a big, fat mouth.

Decoder: Also my ass, stomach and neck are really big and fat. Sores on my back and chest fester with pus. My brain is damaged from drug and alcohol abuse. I have sinister eyes on my gigantic, stupid head. My breath stinks with decay. My soul is soaked in tarantula piss. I have viscous fluid emanating from my ears. It’s likely a mixture of dog vomit and vampire snot. My bowels produce green feces. I eat them with a spoon and crap them out again. But mostly, I have a big, fat mouth.

Glenn Beck: The story of America is the story of humankind.

Decoder: Except for all that boring shit that occurred on Earth prior to 234 years ago. Maybe some of that stuff departs from America’s story, but who gives a fuck.

Glenn Beck: [The early American settlers] didn’t have the right to worship God as they saw fit. So they got down on their knees and they didn’t want to come to this land, they did just because that was what God wanted them to do. With malice towards none, they got into their boats and they came.

Decoder: Luckily, it was a really long trip and they were able to build up a lot of malice along the way. It was a really nice big fucking bowl of malice, which was good because there were many, many people that needed slaughtering.

Glenn Beck: I have been going to Mt. Vernon. I went to the National Archives, and I held the first inaugural address written in his own hand by George Washington.

Enjoy some complimentary gunfire, new friend. No malice intended.

Decoder: Unfortunately, Mother Jones looked into this boast and called bullshit on me. I “didn’t lay a finger on any precious documents, much less George Washington’s inaugural address. That would be a major violation of policy. Those kinds of treasures are only handled by specially trained archival staff.”

Glenn Beck: Today America turns back to God. For too long this country has wandered in darkness.

Decoder: I like to pretend that at some point in the distant past America was greater. The country was actually nowhere near as great during its founding. Women were second-class citizens, people of color were treated as property and voting rights were limited at the time. But if I can feed some Americans’ nostalgic need for a utopia that never existed, I can create an emotional bond with them that will help me sell them crappy hardcover books and substandard gold bullion.

More Decoders:

• Glenn Beck’s comments prior to the “Restoring Honor” rally.
• Barack Obama discusses the importance of fatherhood.
• Glenn Beck claims he may lose his sight in a year.
• BP CEO Tony Hayward murders an ocean.
• Ted Nugent praises the Tea Party.
• Rand Paul defends his ludicrous positions.
• Thomas Sowell compares Obama to Hitler.
• Republicans defend Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.
• Sharron Angle decries cocaine research on monkeys.
• President Obama criticized for appearing on The View.
• John Boehner is a lying bag of horsecrap.
• Larry King interviews Lady Gaga, world nearly ends.
• Eric Massa really, really loves tickling.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discusses nuclear progress in Iran.
• Jon Voight shares his enlightened positions.
• Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly speak about the importance of prayer.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck insults Erin Andrews.
• Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity talk about Arizona’s immigration law.
• Rachel Maddow interviews Rand Paul.
• Rep. Mark Souder resigns in disgrace.
• Linda McMahon thinks she should be a Senator.
• Newt Gingrich pretends he’s running for President.
• Read all the Decoders.