Mr. Trump: Paint those tits green, ASAP. (Image by Michele Sandberg.)

I think we can all agree that gorgeous women in skimpy bikinis and high heels is neither sexy enough nor classy enough in this advanced day and age. They need to whip out their breasts and slap some paint on those hooters.

Thankfully, a first-class individual like Mr. Trump has remedied this problem. Mr. Trump and NBC own the Miss Universe pageant, and they recently released a series of photos and videos that have contestants posed topless with their bare breasts painted a variety of colors, which is a blatant rip-off of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It caused an uproar, but it really is tough to tell which woman is the most beautiful unless you’ve seen her funbags when they’re maroon.

A lot of people thought the stunt was just more of the same crass, stupid, egotistical hoopla that Mr. Trump engages in, which allows him to create faux controversies and get publicity for his mediocre entertainments and garish buildings and casinos. But they don’t understand how classy Mr. Trump is.

Anyhow, breast-painting is just the start of the changes that will make the Miss Universe pageant even classier. Contestants will also be required to hump a stripper pole, have their beavers shaved on live television and go down on a cucumber. “The contestants who compete at Miss Universe are diverse and they represent more than 82 countries around the globe,” said a representative for Mr. Trump and NBC, defending the contest’s changes. “Many of their cultures embrace the idea of nasty ho’s with bald pussies. We have to be culturally sensitive and respect that.” To this point, fisting and genital mutilation have been discussed, but no final decision has been made.

Miss Chloe needs to get her hoo-haa vajazzled. (Image by Pleple2000.)

Improvements instituted in this year’s Miss Universe pageant may even make it to the world of show dogs if a rumored sale of the Westminster Kennel Club is finalized, and Mr. Trump and NBC gain control of the canine contest. The deal is apparently very close to fruition and everyone is hoping for the best. Westminster is a fierce competition held each year at Madison Square Garden, but it lacks the sizzle and sex appeal it needs if it is going to be the kind of first-rate contest that someone like Mr. Trump demands. Preliminary reports say that from now on beagles will be forced to have their nutsacs pierced and that cockapoos will be dressed in bondage gear. It will be very classy indeed.

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