Decoder: Congressman John Boehner’s Recent Comments To The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

John Boehner: Strange orange hue.

John Boehner: The American people have written off the Democrats. They’re willing to look at us again.

Decoder: They’ve forgotten what complete creeps members of the GOP are. Of course, we’ll remind them almost immediately. And they might eventually recall that I’m the sack of shit who handed out campaign checks from the tobacco industry to Representatives on the House floor who were in the process of deciding whether they should cut a tobacco subsidy.

John Boehner: They’re snuffing out the America that I grew up in.

Decoder: An America where untalented boobs like myself could use connections to profit inordinately from my position.

John Boehner: Right now, we’ve got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history.

Decoder: The Tea Party protests were tiny compared to Civil Rights protests and anti-Vietnam protests, but it sounds good when I say that, and it’s unlikely that journalists will call me on my bullshit.

John Boehner: There’s a political rebellion brewing, and I don’t think we’ve seen anything like it since 1776.

Decoder: Again: idiotic hyperbole from someone who’s full of crap.

Boehner from the neck down. (Image by QuinnHK.)

John Boehner: We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this [Health Care Reform] law never really takes effect.

Decoder: I will do everything in my power to ensure that there is never affordable health care for poor and working-class people. Only a lying bag of horsecrap like me who puts lobbyists before citizens deserves health care.

John Boehner: This [Wall Street reform] is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.

Decoder: An ant that nearly led us into another Great Depression–and still might.

John Boehner: We need to look at the American people and explain to them that we’re broke. If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you’re retired, why are we paying you at a time when we’re broke? We just need to be honest with people.

Decoder: Dismantling Social Security would be almost as great as denying health care coverage. And we need the money for wars I want to support that we don’t necessarily need to wage.