Decoder: Rep. John Boehner’s Speech To Congress After The Health-Care Reform Bill Was Passed

John Boehner: So angry that he is orange in the face.

John Boehner: Have you read the bill? Hell no, you haven’t!

Decoder: But you really probably should have. It was kind of a big deal, and it is sort of our job and all.

John Boehner: Can you go home and tell your constituents that this bill respects the sanctity of all human life?

Decoder: I know I couldn’t tell them that when I voted to authorize military action in Iraq, even though there were no terrorists or WMDs there. I knew that through no fault of our soldiers, thousands and thousands of civilians would die from unavoidable collateral damage, many of them children and infants.

John Boehner: I rise tonight with a sad and heavy heart.

Decoder: That’s just a metaphor. I’m not getting all Dick Cheney on you.

John Boehner: We have failed to reflect the will of our constituents

Decoder: You know, our constituents who lobby for the health-care and the pharmaceutical industries.

John Boehner: Millions of Americans lifted their voices [about the health-care issue].

Decoder: Oddly, I only heard the ones who agreed with me. The other ones were kind of nasal and whiny,

John Boehner: What [Americans] are seeing today frightens them.

Decoder: But there’s not much I can do about my big orange head. I went to a dermatologist. It is what it is.

John Boehner: Americans are struggling to build a better life for their kids.

Decoder: And now they’ll have to somehow accomplish that without a lack of health care.

John Boehner: Shame on each and every one of you who substitutes your will and your desires above those of your fellow countrymen.

Decoder: Well, either way you voted you would have been putting your will above some of your fellow countrymen, since people don’t agree on the issue.

John Boehner: I ask each of you to vow to never let this happen again.

Decoder: Again: I’m talking about my big orange head. Get me help. Do not let this continue to occur. I’m like a pumpkin.

John Boehner: It’s not too late to begin to restore the bonds of trust with our nation.

Decoder: Just follow my example. Like that time I handed out money from tobacco industry lobbyists on the floor of the House during a vote on tobacco subsidies. The strengthened the Congress’s bonds of trust with the people.

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